Lovely Thoughts

Fantasies. I have them. A lot of them. I apologies for osunding like yoda there. But I was thinking a lot about what I fantasize about. And my childhood and my upbringing left a lot of room for such imginations. I remember when I was young, I would get dropped off at home after school and my mom wouldn't be home for about another four hours and I would put on my favorite CD's of my favorite singers and bands at that time and sing at the top of my lungs using my brush or a water bottle as a mic. I would spend hours pretending I was Julia Roberts or Michelle Branch. I pretended I was doing an interview like the ones I saw on tv. My imgintation would run wild for those precious 4 hours I got to myself everyday.

I spent a lot of time by myself. Being the only child with a single mother really created a specific enviornment. To this day I feel very comfortable being alone. Of course there's a longing to belong. To feel affection. To be wanted. But I feel most comfortable when I'm alone in my room. It's a sense of security. A time to be in my head, to get a feeling of what I'm feeling-- a time to just sit back and look at the big picture. think of things that have been, could have been. might have been. Just ponder and wonder. To sink into a world where every breathe is another realization. I love it. Now and then, i'll pick up my guitar and write something. But i write most of my stuff when i'm awake till 3am. When deliriousness has passed through my body and i'm too exhausted to notice that i'm exhausted, that's when the words come. That's when the truth pours out. Or so I have experienced...

It's just weird that I am unafraid to be alone. I've known so many people in my life where people have been so scared of spending time alone. And i've always wondered why. I've always seen it as an insecurity and I haven't figured it out yet. But I think my sense of alone-ness and loving it too much is a cause for so many of my fantasies and even dreams and goals that I have.

I want to travel. EVERYWHERE. And I want to do that alone. Actually, I would love to do a lot of things on my own. But that's just me.

I still have fantasies to this day of becoming a musician. Performing at coffeeshops. Joining a dance company. Doing a show in New York. Doing a movie or tv show. Dating John Mayer. Recently i've had fantasies of having kids. That scared me a little. Can't imgine that happening any time soon. But one day... definitely. But if I think about my kids and how I would raise them, I'm hoping it'll be different from how I was. But most definitely, I would want them to dream and fantasize. I wouldn't want them to be afraid of being by themselves. I want them to live life without limits.

I think that's the point of this blog isn't it? No one should be told to live their life with limits or dream with limits. Dreams and fantasies are supposed to be a source of freedom. An artform all in itself. People, kids especially, shouldn't be told to supress those lovely thoughts for lovely thoughts make the world a better place.