This Blog Confuses Me.

I would say the highpoint in my 20 (almost 21) years of life would be when I was 8. Yup. The biggest responsibility I had was making my bed in the mornings and finishing my homework. I had just started a new school, I was skinny, I was dancing every week, I still had the baby face working for me, and I had a New Zealand trip waiting for me in december. Life was good. AMAZINGLY good. Compare that life to right now and it makes me feel like shit.

I dreamt a fantasy world to find that real life sucks. My room is honestly 10x10, i'm broke and praying this job interview goes well, i've had about 3 terrible roommates, i've got ACTUAL responsibilities like rent and bills and waking up on time with the alarm clock, and i'm trying to stay a good citizen, friend, and daughter.

Then, I started thinking of what was going wrong in my life when I was 8 years old. First off, about a year and a half before I turned 8, my parents split. I was 6. So my mom and I moved into an apartment. When I was eight the relationship with my dad was deteriorating faster than you could say 'Dead Beat Dad.' I moved again when I was 8. I actually liked moving. It was fun for me. But another critical thing happened to me when I was 8. Besides being pants-ed by Wendy Williams in the school playground, I was also faced with a decision that was way beyond my maturity level.

At the time, I was dancing ballet in a company called Ballet East and the director put us all in groups by age and dance level. I was in the 8-12 (that's a guesstimate) group. I was the youngest that's all I remember. The director wanted to put us on pointe. For those not familiar with pointe, it's when you wear those shoes where you can stand on your toes (shown in the picture on the right). Normally, you're not supposed to go on pointe until you're 13 or 14. When you're younger, your bones are still soft so the shoes will actually damage your feet. Being 8 caused a problem. I loved ballet. It made me stronger, determined, and focused. Plus, I loved the costumes. My mom left the choice up to me. If I didn't go on pointe, i'd be stuck with the 4 year olds. I tried pointe for a while but I followed my gut and quit ballet altogether. I decided to try my hand at other forms of dancing instead. Broke my heart though.

So when I look back, my highest point in my life still had its hardships. I mean, my 20th year has been well, not bad I guess. I got the best grades I have ever gotten in my entire life. I have friends! Like, real ones! I've gained a new sense of my own artistic capabilities which doesn't only include dance--but also music and visual media.

Every year we begin another cycle of life which includes a variety of highs, lows, goods, bads, and in betweens. How can I compare one point in my life to another when i'm constantly growing and constantly gaining some sense of the world? When I was 8 the worst thing that happened was quiting ballet. In my 20th year, the worst thing that happened were the fires that hit san diego. That was a nightmare! You just can't compare those.

I'm not sure what conclusion i've come to with this blog. I think I might have just confused myself but sitting here today and waiting for something to come to me, this is what came. I look back on just a year ago and I feel like I had it better then but truth is, comparing myself to my old self doesn't logically make sense. Things change. You change. Life goes on.

All i've got are memories now and some lessons learned along the way.

ADOPT DOGS!

I'm watching the Oprah Show and i'm honestly in tears. It's the episode on puppy mills and I can't believe how inhumane people can be. And the fact that dogs are being put down every day because there's not enough people adopting and neutering and spading their animals. It's just not fair. Those dogs don't deserve the fate they've been given. Most dogs at the pet store are from puppy mills. PLEASE ADOPT!

I am going to adopt one day. My Sutton or Norbert is out there...

Sweet Tooth Stop

white cup makes the world a better place.

Doodle-loo

So I like doodling. And I just thought i'd post the ones I did during class this past semester. I get inspired by little sayings or just something I see in real life or in my mind's eye. Enjoy.

Sarah's B-Day Update

We're hot even with bibs on! @ dick's last resort! The waiters here are actually dicks!

You know what i've realized?

I lean toward the quiet side a lot. One minute I'm talking excitedly then the next thing you know I'm somewhere in my head.

The human brain weighs 3 pounds but it's so complex. It's a home. I'm in my head contantly and it's a sheltering sort of place. Physically I can't be sheltered from everything aorund me but sometimes its like a out of body experience. You get into this place inside your head where everything surrounding you can seem invisible.

Maybe i'm not making any sense. But I just realized that i've been going in and out and in and out of this place. Can't really stop myself and it's not at all a bad thing. Just an interesting concept-- you can go in and out of yourself.

Or maybe it's my overly active imagination.

On another note:

I'm on 8 cups of coffee and i've been awake for over 13 hours. Happy birthday sarah!

On anothernother note:

I wish I had a car right around now. I would love to just head out somewhere. Anywhere. That's a freedom I wish I had.

Now I am growing quiet.

LOVELOVE.

Sarah's B-Day Update

panikin is the shiz! Birthday girl loves it here!

Memorial Day Update:

i lit all the candles at my friend gusta's house. Preeeeettttyyy!

iLike these tunes

As of right now, I'm diggin these tunes:


I have never been crazy about Death Cab for Cutie. The first time I heard 'I Will Possess Your Heart' I automatically fell in love with it. Then I saw the music video and fell in love with it even more. I relate so much to the girl int he video.


The city on film is not very big and sparkly. He leans toward the mellow and sort of emo side of things. But I love the concept of this album. I'm not sure if it's a concept album per se, but it's still a great record. I love his lyrics and the cd is one of those cds you can keep playing in the background over whatever you're doing or whatever is going on. It's honest. Sounds like a soundtrack to a movie or just real life. 'I'd Rather Be Wine Drunk' is my fav song. Hands down.


Didn't get into these guys until recently. I like jammin to them. It gets me away from the singer/songwriter music i've been stuck on for the past few months. Menos El Oso I guess means 'Except the Bear' according to the Spanish to English translator online. But when you use common sense, i'm pretty sure it means Minus the Bear. Smart.


I was on the train and listening to My Morning Jacket's Chocolate and Ice EP and I swore I was in a Cameron Crowe movie. Something like Elizabethtown where i'm the cooky mysterious girl on her way to who knows where and while on her journey she bumps into some lost soul who just happens to look a lot like Orlando Bloom and together they find that they are lost in their so called lives. But everyone knows that two lonely people make one couple found. Yup, that's what this cd made me feel. Intense eh?

I absolutely love this chick. I can't help but gravitate toward the singer/songwriters. 'Love Song' is only the beginning. The rest of her album is even more amazing than her single. The less known songs are always the best ones anyways. That goes for any album... well... I take that back... I guess it depends on what you would consider being a good song. I love a good melody, lyrics, and potential for a good shower belt. This cd has it ALL. mhmm.



Justin Nozuka... he is a gutsy hapa boy. He's a fusion of Ray Lamontagne and Lauryn Hill. He's got soul and a heart of an old folk singer. His lyrics are somewhat like an angst-y horny teenager but some songs are way beyond his maturity level. Turns out this guy is related to Kevin Bacon. His mom is Keira Sedgwick's sister. He's the 5th of 6 children and he and I both have dead beat Japanese fathers. I think we'd have pretty amazing conversations. Plus, he's a libra. Not like that means anything...

I still have a few cd's on my wish list. I want Coldplay's new album and I'm also interested in Matt Nathanson... Brett Dennen too. I also heard that Rachael Yamagata just came out with an EP. But I am still waiting for her actual album to come out. She's promised one so long ago. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! I NEED MORE RACH!

I'm tuned out... get it? Payce.

Multimedia message

i just figured out how to send blogs from my phone! This picture is during sound check in pamona on friday.

SURRENDER!

I'm not sure if it's the weather or if the moon is in some weird position within its orbit but people have been acting very weird lately. And not in a good way. I shall explain:

Yesterday I was with E in the Trader Joe's parking lot and this old lady in this awesome old car backs up and taps a toyota that was stopped behind her. The man jolts his breaks and steps out of his car angrily and yells, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? YOU IDIOT!" His first mistake was stepping out of his house in those neon colored MC Hammer pants and second, he should have never called an older woman an idiot. That's just wrong.

Today, my mom and I were browsing the target parking lot for a parking space and saw a mother with a baby walking towards their car after putting their shopping cart into it's designated return area . When she walked away from her cart that she had thought was secure, it broke loose and started slowly rolling down the isle of cars. A man next to her car was watching the cart move down the isle as it was starting to gain speed. We all saw that it was headed towards the woman's rear bumper and I thought for sure the man was going to stop it before it hit her car. I was wrong. He watched it as if he were amused or found it funny. The cart hit the bumper very lightly but she started backing up and it would have caused a serious accident if a another pedestrian hadn't flagged her down. I couldn't believe that the male bystander just stood there without trying to help the situation.

What happened to the love? I'm positively sure that we as humans have the potential of doing good. I've got faith in humanity--even in those who feel like making everyone else's lives as miserable as theirs. Surrendering to sadness and hatred is so easy. Let's surrender to the love in our hearts.

(insert Switchfoot's LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT chorus here...)

Life's HAVE TOs

I had the best day dream ever and I've decided to make it come true.

One day, before I grow up and have a solid life, I want to go on my own solitary road trip. I know i've had this fantasy for a long time but it just seemed so real when I dreamed it right now. I had this map and there were no specific courses that were carved out in highlighter ink. Just a map and an agenda: to go places I've never been. Sedona would be an exception. Have to go there.

I guess that's all I wanted to say. There are somethings in life you just HAVE TO DO. And this is one of them.

SUMMER

The summer has come and I have some goals. And I want to see every single one of these goals accomplished by the time school starts back up.

1. Move! I have to move to another casa. Can't stand it here anymore and I really need a change of scenery.

2. I must get a summer job. Hopefully the one that I applied to follows through. If not, I need to get something and SOON.

3. I need to lose weight!

4. I MUST HAVE FUN! I didn't work my ass off during the year for nothing... I want to go to the beach and hang with friends. I want relax and get a tan. Being young shouldn't be taken for granted. This is my last summer of being under age! This is a big deal! haha...

Summer is always something new for me. There's always a new adventure just around the corner. This summer shouldn't be any different. It'll be better than imagined!

peace.

Easy Street Is A Hard Living

Today was an interesting morning. The first few thoughts of my day were pretty intense that I couldn't help share. Actually, there was only one thought that I thought was pretty intense and the rest were normal. Things like "I should probably wake up" and "I need a new toothbrush" are going to be skipped over.

This morning, out of my lethargic state, I thought to myself "it's so easy to dislike something about yourself." Wow. Intense right? Well, for an early morning thought, I kind of felt like Aristotle or some big shot motivational speaker. Well, along with that also came "it's easy to fear" and "it's easy to do wrong."

Easy. That's the common word in all of these morning discoveries. It's funny when you know things deep inside but just fail to notice them on a daily basis. EASY. Easy is what i've always tried to avoid but whose arms I always run back into. When I was younger my mom always told me "Bad things are easy to do but hard to live with. Good things are hard to do but easy to live." I guess I do a lot of things the hard way because I started out doing things the easy way. And when I thought of all these easy things that i've been doing to myself, I realized that i'm experiencing the hardship now. Cause these past few days, weeks, months-- I haven't been myself to the fullest extent. There's a lot of things on my mind that I can't explain. And there's a lot of things inside of me that can't be expressed. But yet, I am blessed to be the way I am. To know myself the way I do. That even though I can pick out the flaws and weaknesses before any of the good qualities in myself, I am still pretty blessed to be here and to be living my life the hard way.

The way I am is complicated and I'm never sure about it one hundred percent. But I know i'm in this life for the long run. I don't give up easily and when I want something, I'll get it fair and square. Even if someone tells me NO, it won't stop me. When I love, i'll love the hard way. And right now as I live, I choose the hard way. I mean, who has ever heard of people on E! True Hollywood Story with an easy life.

This morning I realized a valuable lesson: Surrender is EASY.
But I also made a valuable decision today: I don't like EASY.

Pros and Cons of My Ongoing Affair With Solidarity

I'm frustrated right now. Almost to the point of a depressed frustrated. I happen to feel this way every once in a while. I think i've explained before that I love being alone way too much. But there are pros and cons that come with my excessive love for solidarity.

Pros include: time to think, play guitar, write, watch movies, spend time in my world...

Cons are not exactly the actions in which I am spending my time doing (like the pros). But rather, they are the consequences that come of them.

See, I like time alone. I love thinking about things, dreaming about things, playing with ideas, and coming up with stuff. But thinking too much leads to over thinking which leads to over analyzing. And boy do I do that way too much.

Lately I've been thinking about my purpose. No one really knows what their purpose is in life. I think a person's purpose is known even after they pass on. But this bugs me! Why can't I know what I'm supposed to be doing now instead of roaming around aimlessly trying to figure it out. I understand that figuring it out is part of the process but for me, it's like this--I've always known that my future was going to be in the creative arts. I've known this-- I've ALWAYS KNOWN THIS. But what is it in this field am I going to be doing? Creating? Performing? As what? With who? It's all just frustrating.

I just want to know where I belong already. Is that too much to ask?

Feeling FAT

I need to lose weight.

But i'm hungry.

Perception

The picture you’ve painted inside of your mind
Isn’t the same as the one inside mine
We look at each other dead in the eyes
But the pureness inside of a heart cannot lie

Your pencils are sharpened and lined in a row
You scar up the page with your hand full of charcoal
You close your eyes to focus your sight
To keep drawing your world of black and white

I love you or I love you not
It’s what you learn or what you’ve been taught
I am wrong and you are right
All in your world of black and of white

And then it hit me straight to the heart
A kind of pain that could tear me apart
A light that appeared amidst a dark night
A slight change of mind not a pencil could write

Never will you see me the way that I do
You draw my skin white and you know that’s not true
My heart is a red, full of love and of life
But you drew it in shades of grey, black, and white

I love you and I love you more
Learn through mistakes, that’s what they’re there for
I am wrong but forgiveness is right
That’s what I see in my colorful sight

This is such a valuable lesson
All about what we can see through perception
So I urge you to carefully look at your sight
And let’s all put some color into our pallet of life

After all…

The picture you’ve painted inside of your mind
Isn’t the same as the one inside mine
But as long as you can open your heart
You will make the most beautiful, colorful art

Lovely Thoughts

Fantasies. I have them. A lot of them. I apologies for osunding like yoda there. But I was thinking a lot about what I fantasize about. And my childhood and my upbringing left a lot of room for such imginations. I remember when I was young, I would get dropped off at home after school and my mom wouldn't be home for about another four hours and I would put on my favorite CD's of my favorite singers and bands at that time and sing at the top of my lungs using my brush or a water bottle as a mic. I would spend hours pretending I was Julia Roberts or Michelle Branch. I pretended I was doing an interview like the ones I saw on tv. My imgintation would run wild for those precious 4 hours I got to myself everyday.

I spent a lot of time by myself. Being the only child with a single mother really created a specific enviornment. To this day I feel very comfortable being alone. Of course there's a longing to belong. To feel affection. To be wanted. But I feel most comfortable when I'm alone in my room. It's a sense of security. A time to be in my head, to get a feeling of what I'm feeling-- a time to just sit back and look at the big picture. think of things that have been, could have been. might have been. Just ponder and wonder. To sink into a world where every breathe is another realization. I love it. Now and then, i'll pick up my guitar and write something. But i write most of my stuff when i'm awake till 3am. When deliriousness has passed through my body and i'm too exhausted to notice that i'm exhausted, that's when the words come. That's when the truth pours out. Or so I have experienced...

It's just weird that I am unafraid to be alone. I've known so many people in my life where people have been so scared of spending time alone. And i've always wondered why. I've always seen it as an insecurity and I haven't figured it out yet. But I think my sense of alone-ness and loving it too much is a cause for so many of my fantasies and even dreams and goals that I have.

I want to travel. EVERYWHERE. And I want to do that alone. Actually, I would love to do a lot of things on my own. But that's just me.

I still have fantasies to this day of becoming a musician. Performing at coffeeshops. Joining a dance company. Doing a show in New York. Doing a movie or tv show. Dating John Mayer. Recently i've had fantasies of having kids. That scared me a little. Can't imgine that happening any time soon. But one day... definitely. But if I think about my kids and how I would raise them, I'm hoping it'll be different from how I was. But most definitely, I would want them to dream and fantasize. I wouldn't want them to be afraid of being by themselves. I want them to live life without limits.

I think that's the point of this blog isn't it? No one should be told to live their life with limits or dream with limits. Dreams and fantasies are supposed to be a source of freedom. An artform all in itself. People, kids especially, shouldn't be told to supress those lovely thoughts for lovely thoughts make the world a better place.

Lethargic Blog: Art and Misunderstanding and Magnetic Hearts

Art. The only thing I've ever been good at is art. Never had straight A's, never could pay attention in class, never studied all that hard because i'd be in my own little world (population 1) dreaming about my next dance move, my favorite artist of the moment, scripts, choreography, music, or lyrics for my next big hit. Basically, my mind is a big production waiting to happen. The more I think about how I am, how my mind works, who I am, what my temperament is, I realize how different and how similar people can be.

Sometimes I meet people that I'm positive that I connect with. There's a special connection that only that little place in my heart knows of and it magnetizes me over to those who feel it too. Then sometimes I meet people who I just don't understand--which is most of the time. And the feeling is mutual. And when I expand on this thought, that means there are people out there in the world that connect with me on my artistic plane who I haven't met yet. Isn't that amazing? I can also use the example of having a favorite artist or musician or actor or whatever your medium. At least for me, I have to be able to relate to them in order to really consider them as a favorite. People wonder why I like Rachael Yamagata over Feist. I'm not insinuating that Feist isn't a great singer/songwriter. I honestly think she's great. Yeah, she's on VH1 and has sold a lot of records and had more songs on the radio. Those are just numbers. But Rachael... she punctures me deep into my chest and makes me want to cry. See, that's what i'm talking about. That deep gut feeling where you just KNOW. You just... know.

The only thing about encountering people who don't get you is that you're most likely being seriously misunderstood. I think it's vise versa. I don't think the way they do. My mind doesn't think business or science or whatever else there is in the world. My mind is strictly artistic.

Being misunderstood is tricky, though. People feel it all the time but it isn't always the case. I'm a victim to this. So basically your thought of being misunderstood is a misunderstanding. But I also think that misunderstandings are the best way of understanding who you are. In the end, everything evens out. It's sort of like learning from mistakes but rather its learning through misunderstanding.

I'm not sure if that makes sense...

Where was I going with this...

I'm not sure, but I guess what i'm trying to say is that it all comes down to personal perspective. Your own individual mind's eye and your own magnetic place in your heart.

I'm not sure if i'm making sense anymore... it's late and i'm growing quiet.

Let's just promise this world and ourselves that we'll listen to our hearts and guts more often. I'd rather think with my heart than my head any day.

Let's color this world with art.

update...

it went well. really well. and i don't want to jinx it for tomorrow's show.

i have the greatest friends in the world. friends who would drive 2 hours to come see me. eat with me. and then go back home.

and then i have another group of amazing friends who would just make my other friends who they've never met before feel like they've always been around.

tomorrow is a new day. my adrenaline is coming down so i'm off to take a shower and get to bed. I have work in the morning...

wish me luck! =)

Day of...

I'm not sure what I am right now. The show starts in three and a half hours. Am I ready? Am I prepared? Am I nervous? Am I excited? Am I confused? (well, yes.)

I think i've hit the point where i'm on the edge of exhausted and delirious. So I guess that could count as a hybrid of ready, prepared, nervous, excited, and confused.

You spend hours and hours on choreography, coming up with meanings, themes, finding props, costumes, and cleaning. You put all of this time and energy and effort into show but only a small amount of this time is spent on what truly counts. Cause the parts that count come and go so quickly. Like the day that you had to learn how to do a lift and after so many times of trying and not succeeding, you come back a few days later and on the first try, you ace it. And it feels like you've done it like that all your life. Or the day that you felt defeated cause the piece was looking like a big jumbled mess. Then in one swoop of an hour the whole piece is basically finished.

And right now i'm missing those moments. I'm glad that we've come to the end, but i'm honestly looking back on the past few weeks and wishing that I hadn't looked over those little moments.