Bulletproof... I wish I was

I'll keep this short.

Try to have a pure moment as often as you can.
You and your thoughts and your surroundings.
It's limited, this time here on earth.
Spend some time just realizing what you have.

Thoughts are bulletproof. Ideas are bulletproof.

Only you can make them die.

[Nothing like some Radiohead to soundtrack this moment-- The Bends album. My favorite.]

Music Appropriately

A modern version of Dancing Cheek to Cheek sountracking this moment right now. Nice female jazz vocalist with a piano riff that caught my ear.

Music. It's brilliant isn't it?

Today we were driving north through these rolling green hills and there was this moment where we turned the bend and the vast ocean shore just appeared. And it just made you want to lose your breathe for a second. Moments that take your breath away need a song. And the first song that I wanted to hear was Clarity by John Mayer.

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
That it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to

(Preach it Johnny)

Now it's just a memory.

One of these days, I'm going to go on a road trip on my own and just let those moments come to me. Have pure moments and accept them and appreciate them as they are. I'll write them down in my journal, write a song, poem, anything. And then I won't be a girl with a ton of memories. I'd be a girl with a ton of a memories and a notebook full of art.

"Everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music."
-Claire Colburn, from the movie Elizabethtown

Willie Nelson and Norah Jones just came on. And this blog is now the memory of Grandpa Willie singing Dreams Come True.

Appropriate. Very Appropriate.

Day 1: San Simeon Spring Break

I've never felt so right before.
San Simeon, CA is beautiful.
Wish I could show you a 4x6 of what you're missing.
But I guess you're just going to have to come with me next time.

This boutique hotel has a coffee shop feel.
Folk music in the lobby where i'm sitting at a desk.
Wish I could be here longer than 4 days.

Wonder why everything amazing has a timer set to it?
Counting down the seconds in the back of your mind.
Keeping you depressingly conscious.
I think that's why I never wear watches.
I hate time.

I wish I could stay somewhere long enough till I get sick of it-- oh wait,
been there, done that.

Anywho,
long day of traveling has come to an end.
& get this!
Breakfast is getting sent to my room =)

Sick Cylces

There's a certain helplessness you feel while you're sick. My body is a slave to my heart and my head. Wherever they tell it to go, it goes. Whatever it tells it to do, it does.

Then your body just says, "NO!" So simple of a remark and everything just goes downhill. Your mind says, "you're lying! get up! you're good!" But my body says, "NO!"

And then you realize how helpless you feel. A certain inability, vulnerability, weakness-- subjection to this fragile body. Everything hangs on how your body feels or reacts. And there's a certain reliance on your head and heart to keep the faith. Cause good health is only a few days away.

Isn't it funny how alone you feel when you're sick. At least I do. No one here. Just me. Trying to listen to my body.

Silence is loud when all you hear is your heart.

When Your Voice Fails; Use Post Its

I have a sore throat today. And I've been trying to experiment with post its. This is the outcome. It's not very good cause I took it with my digital camera and I had to diminish the volume of the song at the end... but you get the basic idea of what I was trying to do...

I hope.

You've Been Forewarned

Love Is Letting Go

Whoever coined those words knew what they were talking about.

I fancy myself to be one who is in control of her life. I've got my hands on the steering wheel and though the road is extremely shaky most of the time--i'm satisfied with knowing that the wheel is in my hands. However, I have never been in love before and i'm pretty sure that when I do, I'm going to have to share that wheel.

So this a forewarning to those who want to try and pursue me in the near future or the not so near future:

If you want me, you're gonna have to pry my hands off the steering wheel in order to win me over. I'm a force of nature that not many want to reckon with.

Don't say that I didn't warn you.

Home Body

I just picked up a copy of The Pride, my school's weekly independent student newspaper. I don't usually pick up a copy unless I'm in it, I know someone featured in it, or if I hear the art section is exceptionally good. Today, though, was different. I happened to read the headlining news titled 'Spring Fling Halted Early- Night under the stars takes terrible turn' and I was hooked.

Well, I kept reading on. I never read, but who can turn down a title so unexaggereated and unvarished. Well, it turns out that the Spring Fling was supposed to be a night under the stars on a yacht in the San Diego Harbor. Most people i'm guessing were under 21 and were already visibly inebriated. This is when it gets good. Picture a line of people in costly clothes, people with dates, people without dates, some high, some people who have a little buzz going on, some completely sober-- all waiting and anxious to have a great time. Then picture one person, boy or girl (you pick) and he or she turns pale in the face and vomits all over some innocent by standers.

Oh yeah. What a blast.

Then it goes on. The security lets these minors onto the boat where they are free to play at poker tables and dance on the dance floor. It so happens that the boat hadn't been out to sea for very long when the security said to head back to shore. He procalimed "this thing is over" after seeing a couple having sex in the middle of the poker room next to a dealer. Then someone decides to jump off the boat. Yes, that's right people... I go to Cal State San Marcos.

In a way, I kind of wish I was there. Not to be a part of the mayhem but to just be a fly on the wall for amusement's sake. On the other hand, I am so glad that I am the way I am and that I surround myself with people who when I start doing something completely ludicrous and absurd will say "Christina, stop--you look like an idiot."

I love to have fun, don't be mistaken. A few drinks, music, dancing... that is all fine by me! I am up for a good time. But when you're looking like a fool throwing up and jumping off boats in the middle of the night-- I think i'd have a lot more fun just sitting at home watching a Jane Austen inspired movie and making a little home inside my bed.

In that way, I am definitely a home body. Never thought i'd say that since i'm all about traveling and looking for a new world that i've never seen before.

However, this is an exception.

Home body I am. Yeah...

The Hurt

I’m a good man
in a dark room
in a big town
under a full moon
it’s a friday and I’m almost home

I’m in a good place
full of head space
got a brand new pack in my suitcase
but it’s dinner and then it's bed alone
How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do

I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn't, doesn’t deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

Gonna make it, like I need her
gonna miss her the moment I meet her
and it’s only gonna get worse from there

I’ll be rappin' there in the shower
she’ll be here by the end of the hour
I can do better
but I can’t do better now

How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do

I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

So long is over
nice to skip the chance you get to know you
why did I think this was true?
Because I wanted to

I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

I wanna fall
I wanna kneel
I wanna laugh, cry, say goodbye
beg, lie, cheat and steal

There is something about these words that makes my heart clench. Clench so hard.

Yup, I've been there. And i'm not sure if those feelings ever go away until well.... until they do.

The Big Wake

"I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun."
- Jane Austen

It's not even about time anymore is it? I know that time flies. Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds pass without even being permitted to wave goodbye to them. But it's more than time. It's about paying attention. Not to be confused with being vigilant or circumspect. Those traits are so gaurded. I'm talking about an open alertness. These days I feel like i've been asleep. Actually, I feel like i've been asleep all of my life. I've been living life in the most comatose sense and I'm tired of it.

In other words, the alarm clock of my life has rung and i've finally pulled the covers off of my head and started opening my eyes to see things in a different light. It turns out that i've started something big and I was too blind to notice. Slowly this life reveals itself to me and I see that it's bigger than big--it's colossal and there's no way I can see past a certain point. But it's better to be awake to see it then to be asleep and miss out on all the fun.

My name is Caprice

I wanted to write something of great importance and profoundness here today. Out of my capriciousness i've deleted about one, two, oh... a good three blogs.

I guess all I want to say is that when I fall in love, I want to be in sheer agony when he goes away. When he returns I want to feel the most limitless joy I have ever felt in my life. I want my world to function only because he's in it while still maintaining my independence. I want to be able to be myself however stubborn and lazy I am and vice versa--whatever his temperament. I have to able to argue with him but also admit my wrongs. And lastly, and quite possibly the most important, I don't want to take the small things for granted, for they matter just as much as the hugest doings.

I think a lot about my future relationships and like I said, i'm stubborn. In some ways, that also means that I am picky and exacting. I guess i'm at a turning point with LOVE. If it is not true love, then I don't want it at all.

I'm just waiting around for my Mr. Darcy. I must admit that I am a little impatient but what the hell... I'm young. I've spent most of my life alone. What's new. It's more exciting to indulge myself in the mystery of not knowing who my Mr. Darcy is. And when he finally comes around, I believe he will have been worth the wait.

Home- ish

Dear Acquaintance,

You keep asking when I'm coming home but you're the one who told me 'home is where the heart is.' Where do you go when your heart longs to be in fifty different places? I've got two feet and I'm not afraid to use them. I believe that if I suffer it doesn't mean defeat. As you have figured out already, I'm gone. There's a chance that I may be off my mark but at least I know how to listen to my heart. I left and I have no intention of looking back on the past. I guess this much about me can't be found on the back of your hand.

Christina

P.S.: I miss you.

Videotape

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape
When Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me
This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in red blue green
You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
This is my way of saying goodbye

Love this Radiohead song.

Blogging Once Again

It's another one of those days at school. Pretty normal. Pretty dull. Ready and waiting to get back home to my bed, my guitar, my food, my life. But all the while knowing that I won't be back until around 8:30 tonight. Seems like forever. Technically it's another four and a half hours.

But i'm back here again. Here in front of one the many computers I could have chosen at this school. And i'm back at this blog.

I've started listening to John Mayer again and i've stumbled upon a few interviews. One of them being done by Rolling Stone Magazine. We don't even need to read articles/interviews anymore. We can listen to them via podcast.

I have a point.
I swear.

During the interview he talked about songwriters. Real songwriters. Like himself. And he said that any person can say they write songs, but when you ask to hear one of them and they reply, "they're unfinished" or "I haven't finished them yet" then what kind of songwriter does that make you? Well, it doesn't make you one. A songwriter writes songs. Leave the unfinished art to those german romanticists in the 1800's.

I started this blog and I intend to keep it updated. It's not like anyone reads this. But I feel like unfinished business is a problem that can be solved. Unfortunately, blogs are constant, ongoing projects that never really have an end until you delete it out of world wide web history. So until then, It's just a matter of facing this blog and saying, "YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!"

I guess i'm in a phase of my life where i'd like to see things through from beginning to the end. Whether it be projects, essays, papers, songs, dances, movies, conversations, friendships, etc... I'd like to see things full circle. In some ways it's a little bit OCD-ish, but i'm looking at it from a broader view.

I don't want to be the girl with a notebook of unfinished songs. I want to be the girl who made something happen. Someone who started a mini revolution in this crazy world that i'm living in. Population 1.

So there.

That's all I have to say about that.

Till next time--
Littlewings.