Rain

rain

i fell asleep with you
&
woke up with you
if i had a boyfriend
i'd consider this an affair

but since i don't
can we do this again?

Julie of my own heart.

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

- Julie Delpy as Marion in 2 Days in Paris

You've Been Bleeding

bare feet on
broken glass
you have stolen
my heart
and left me
without saying goodbye

you've been bleeding

did i do this to you?

Stars

who needs sleep
when you have the stars
with 10 other bodies
to keep you warm

for i gaze at stars
as if i'm gazing into the eyes
of someone who knows me
better than i know myself

Ramona and Julian know
the secret to it all
the higher you go
the closer you are

so we reach for them
spend all night counting them
lose track of time
but at least it was
time well spent

if every day
could be like that night
i would dream all day
and count stars
all night

We Dreamers

we dreamers
we go unloved
dreaming up more
than we can have
we dreamers
we go unloved
all cause dreams
can't love you back

but we dreamers
we accept our fate
we're not angry
or irate
only content
what is meant
to be
will be

we dreamers
we may not have
arms to hold us
or lips
to kiss us
but in our dreams
we find the
greatest love
ever
and we never
let go

we dreamers
we go unloved
dreaming up more
than we can be
we dreamers
we go unloved
but we know
what we can't have
can be dreamed

Suit Up

there's always a war in my heart
to give in
or fight back
i trust my instinct
but i still wear my armor

no matter what time says
there's no good time
for bloodshed

you're coming closer
so i'll suit up for you
you're coming closer
my arms are ready
to catch me
as I fall

Inside the Mind of an Artist

"Creative people live in a heightened reality," says Gallagher. "The good times feel extra good and the bad times feel extra bad. However, there are plenty of creative people who find other, healthier ways to deal with their emotions."

"Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, Jim Morrison, Johnny Cash, Eric Clapton, Sly Stone, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jerry Garcia, Bob Marley, Eddie Van Halen, Cobain, Eminem, members of the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith and Metallica, and many others who heavily influenced their art used drugs and/or alcohol regularly during their creative peak."




I read this article:

http://www.mercurynews.com/entertainment/ci_12846398?nclick_check=1

and it made me think.
i could kind of relate.
but only in some aspects.

you try.

Why I Love Lyrics.

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood....

Mr. Shaw

I can be
pretty
ugly
tall
short
fat
thin
nice
mean
big
small
little
huge
fine
good
bad
brave
harsh
hot
cold
I can be
a lot of things
to a lot of people

but I

I just want to be anything but commonplace.

"Some men see things as they are and say why - I dream things that never were and say why not."
- George Bernard Shaw

Instantaneously

every now and then
i want to see things
happen
the minute they start
i want to see
the result
before it gets hard

But life--
it just doesn't work
that way

does it?

I mean
after all...
Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was him

If there ever was a man
who listened to the way he felt
over the way he thought
or the way others thought

it was him.

no dance moves
no music
like his
could ever come from the head

only the heart

my childhood spent
in a car seat
in the backseat
of my mom's minivan
singing to his tapes
even if I didn't get the words

watching him on tv
wanting to dance
at the age of 3
he's the reason why
i spent hours
in the afternoons
with a remote control hitting
rewind
play
rewind
play
rewind
fast foward
play

watching thriller
when i was in first grade
scared to watch
but still
couldn't take my eyes off

let's remember him for his art
his beautiful
amazing
crazy
out there
uncoverable
art

Slow Motion Scars

no one taught me how to fall

so i'm learning now
i'm finding out it's difficult
to let go
and know

you're gonna crash

but there's that moment
when you've already let go
and you realize
you're mid air
and everything moves so slow
you see everything clear
knowing you've done
the damage
you close your eyes
and await the fate

that moment is my favorite

even if in the end

it leaves me
with a scar

Knees

i need
to say
whatever i'm feeling
my knees
are red
from constant kneeling
below you
i was
but words
pulled me out

these words
are my shoes
walk around
if
you're afraid
i understand
here
take my hand
i'll never save
you
but words
will pull
you out

Just A Bunch of Words

I really don't know what I want.

This guy that I know, he used to always get angry with me. I won't get into the details of our relationship but he used to ask me, "What do you want?!" Actually, he'd ask me all the time. And i'd never have an answer. Which in turn, made him upset. Mostly because I really didn't know what I wanted from him.

Sometimes what I want is super clear. If I have a craving for chocolate or which color shirt to wear or which movie I want to watch.

But when it comes down to the deeper and bigger decisions in life, I really have no idea.

This reality has become a lot more depressing over the years. Especially because I've always been the type of girl who knew what she wanted. Or so I thought.

I'm beginning to realize that maybe it was just a bunch of words.

One Last Hike

I was feeling the sadness slowly creeping up on me the last few days I was at Fume Bake (F is H and B is L). I was kind of angry and frustrated to be indoors on my last full day.

Eric sent me out to get a mini DV tape that cost 10 bucks at the general store so I didn't get one. Instead I bought a gatorade and walked toward the lake.

Travis was there.

We decided to take a walk around the lake. I had never done that before. It made my week's end so special. Travis is special. Good guy. I got a biology lesson from a certified botanist and biologist. Not to mention the spontaneous 3.5 mile hike around the lake.

It was a good day.

Now i'm home. I can barely see the stars. I miss the smell. I want the trees back and the blue sky. I wish I could have bottled it up.

But then I think...

If it was always within my reach, would it be as special as it is to me now?

No.

So now I wait for another opportunity to make it back up the hill. If I don't, then i'm perfectly happy with the memories I have. Many many memories.

Hume Blog 9: Shhhh....

Hume Blog 8

This was blog worthy. We just made some espressos for everyone. Actually Teej and Tam are making espressos for everyone and i'm watching. The machine at the cabin here is about $1500. It's amazing. And it foams the milk. It's so so so good.

Hume Blog 7

live each day up to its fullest. that's what i'm trying to do. at lease i'm trying to do. went for a little hike this morning. i took a bath and watched sound of music. listened to the boys play some more.

yesterday was a good day. really good. finally got those tapes.

i'm soon gonna head out to the studio to watch TJ work with some students.

i've been on a camera spree. here's my favorite from yesterday. TJ at the drums.

Hume Blog 6

I have more blogs than days i've been here. Funny.

Yesterday afternoon/evening, I hung out with TJ. I saw him sitting by himself. So I just joined him. I got to see where he lives. He made me coffee. GOOD COFFEE. And he gave me a new toothbrush because E used mine. Gross.

Later on the guys hung out by the fire pit at the snack shop and talked. It's so awesome just to listen to them. I love that they are comfortable enough to joke around me. I love hom i'm comfortable enough to just laugh. I love listening.

I was sitting there thinking that I wasn't at Hume Lake Christian Camps. It felt like I was at a band retreat. Right now, it's like a time where we all get to have a chance and feel like family. To get to know each other a little better. To encourage. To work. To inspire.

Hume Blog 5

Hello from my office! Or otherwise known as the bathroom. We're having real food made by Tam today. I'm so happy to have Teej around more now. Everything is so much better when he's around. He's a genious. Seriously. He can play EVERYTHING.

We hung out with Chris Simning last night. It's crazy cause he was the speaker my freshman year. I remember him so well. He was my favorite speaker out of all 4 years. He's speaking this week so i'm gonna go listen some of the days. There was a girl who went up to him at the snack shop and said "Hey! you were my speaker at Meadow Ranch 6 years ago! I have a picture with you!" After that Chris turns around to Ben and I and says, "It's weird how people have pictures with me." And I said, "I have a picture with you!" He laughed really hard!

It was awesome.

Here's another funny story. Hanging out with the guys and some of the staff yesterday, I met a girl who does video for the camp. She was desperate for someone who does video. I guess they're short staffed. Teej just blurts out "Christina does our video!" and then she offered me a job at Hume Lake Christian Camps. I turned it down unfortunately. Hah. But I'm gonna buy some tapes off of her.

I'm short on everything. I have to do laundry because I only packed for 3 or 4 days-ish.

OH! I woke up at 9 this morning. SO nice to sleep in. But my eyes were huge. Allergies.

Listening to Rachael Yamagata with the faintness of Teej on the taiko drums in the background.

Hume Blog 3: I'm on a Boat!

As you can see, my favorite room in this house is the main master bedroom bathroom. There's a shower and a HUGE tub. I like to dream that... "I'M ON A BOAT!"

Hume Blog 2

I spent some time on the lake yesterday. Went to hear the band play at chapel and then spent some time by the lake without any of the crazy loud noises from the campers. It's just as beautiful as I remembered.

Hume Blog 1

Hume is beautiful as always.

Boys: 3
Girls: 1
Instruments: a gazillion

MUSICA!!

Haven't posted a music blog lately. Here's what's on my playlist right now:


Meiko

I saw her on youtube and thought 'well, that's cool.' Her album is kinda slow at the beginning but I love Boys with Grilfriends and Under my Bed. Her voice sometimes reminds me of Nina Persson of The Cardigans. They have that high low airiness to their voice. I like it.


Urban Rescue

These boys are awesome. Sometimes I just like to sit in my room and listen to them. Good guys. www.myspace.com/urbanrescue


Kings of Leon

First off, I love the man's voice. Second, he sings the words 'dance' and 'dancing' a lot. Third, I love love love the drums. Fourth, try playing it at night in your pajamas and just DANCE! It's exhilarating.

Damien Rice

What can I say about Damien Rice? I love this album. Nice to wind down. Sometimes if i'm angry, I like to play the angry ones but otherwise, everything else is classic Damien. Love it. I love the song about the girl who does yoga.


Camille

This chick is my favorite right now! She's the reason why I want to pack up and move to France. Most of the background music is done with sounds she makes with her own voice. I listened to it on the way to Norther Cali. The time passed by really fast becaus you're just completely intrigued.


Mandy Moore

I think Mandy is on to something. No more bubblegum pop. She married Ryan Adams and BAM! she is trying out all these different folky sounds. I loved her last album cause she worked with the Weepies and Rachael Yamagata. This one hasn't grown on me like Wild Hope cause it has more of a oldies orchestral sound. Definitely like Wild Hope better.

Hume Lake

8 years makes me feel old. It was this side of 8 years ago that I knew my life had changed. Now i'm headed back up the mountain not as the audience before them, but as a friend beside them.

I've been thinking about this a lot. It occured to me that i've thought i've been sure of a lot of things in my life. I've made decisions thinking they were right. But when I look at the full circle coming to its close, it makes the rest of my life seem so unsure.

8 years ago I saw them and I didn't question or doubt the feeling I had. It's the only solid thing i've ever been sure of in my life.

Woodstock

I bought the "craziness is like heaven" poster.

Heart Talk.

I love listening to the heart. I've said it before but i'll say it again-- Every time my heart and my head get into an argument, i'm almost certain that my heart will win 99.9% of the time.

Today I had this moment where my heart surrendered. It was the craziest moment. All I heard it say was "Use Me."

It got me thinking.

I hate being used in any relationship. I hate using people. I try not to do it as often as possible. I like relying on myself. I'm the most reliable person I know. But when it comes to USING someone I think a lot of people try to stay away. When you use each other, especially in closer relationships, it always ends up complicated and knotted up.

However.

The only relationship i'd want to be used in is the one I have with God. I want to be used by God to do a lot of things. I can only imagine that He can make amazing things happen.

I don't know.

I was just thinking about it and in my head. The thought of Him using me just seems like a privlege. Something that my heart just yearns for right now.

A Morning Glimpse

This is love. Waking up with a great song. Listening to the soft piano. Folky guitar. Airy voice. Laying in bed. Staring up at the ceiling. Watching my fan slowly spin. Feeling the soft touch of air on my body. As the light slowly creeps through my window. Not a worry. Comfortable. Nowhere to be. Just me. A great song. And my ceiling.

Post Tour Reflection

I look at that picture and I feel so privileged. I admire every one of those boys for what they do. I feel so lucky to be able to travel with them but also to be a part of the audience and listen to what they've created. I feel so blessed to be a part of the FoF Team and I hope that I can keep touring with them.


Before the tour, I was in a state of insanity. My mom had just been laid off and had to get major abdominal surgery. I can't even tell you how hard it is to be an only child of a single mother. Most of the time its easy but now that i'm older i'm seeing things evolve. So, before the tour I had my mom, my classes, work, plus a dance performance. Never had I felt so alone-- It was like all the strength was sucked out of me.


Once I finished school, I went straight on the tour and it saved me. The change of people, of rhythm, of scenery, of everything helped me to remember that God provides. I felt as if I hit the point where I couldn't do anything but surrender. And when I did, God gave me this tour. Never did I feel uncomfortable (i'm not counting the time when that guy asked for my number...) and I always felt safe. I never thought i'd be a part of something so special.



From my perspective, every person in the band is different and they all mean something special to me.


BenJammin (top left), me, Logan, E, & Teej. Liz is there in spirit. Urban Rescue toured with us too. I'm glad they did.

Now i'm at home. I'm deep in my thoughts and all I can think is-- some people say that high school or college was the time of their life. I can proudly say that I hated high school and college is hard. But the time of my life? The time of my life was spent on the road with FoF. And i'm pretty sure that there will be more to come.