Heart Talk.

I love listening to the heart. I've said it before but i'll say it again-- Every time my heart and my head get into an argument, i'm almost certain that my heart will win 99.9% of the time.

Today I had this moment where my heart surrendered. It was the craziest moment. All I heard it say was "Use Me."

It got me thinking.

I hate being used in any relationship. I hate using people. I try not to do it as often as possible. I like relying on myself. I'm the most reliable person I know. But when it comes to USING someone I think a lot of people try to stay away. When you use each other, especially in closer relationships, it always ends up complicated and knotted up.

However.

The only relationship i'd want to be used in is the one I have with God. I want to be used by God to do a lot of things. I can only imagine that He can make amazing things happen.

I don't know.

I was just thinking about it and in my head. The thought of Him using me just seems like a privlege. Something that my heart just yearns for right now.

A Morning Glimpse

This is love. Waking up with a great song. Listening to the soft piano. Folky guitar. Airy voice. Laying in bed. Staring up at the ceiling. Watching my fan slowly spin. Feeling the soft touch of air on my body. As the light slowly creeps through my window. Not a worry. Comfortable. Nowhere to be. Just me. A great song. And my ceiling.

Post Tour Reflection

I look at that picture and I feel so privileged. I admire every one of those boys for what they do. I feel so lucky to be able to travel with them but also to be a part of the audience and listen to what they've created. I feel so blessed to be a part of the FoF Team and I hope that I can keep touring with them.


Before the tour, I was in a state of insanity. My mom had just been laid off and had to get major abdominal surgery. I can't even tell you how hard it is to be an only child of a single mother. Most of the time its easy but now that i'm older i'm seeing things evolve. So, before the tour I had my mom, my classes, work, plus a dance performance. Never had I felt so alone-- It was like all the strength was sucked out of me.


Once I finished school, I went straight on the tour and it saved me. The change of people, of rhythm, of scenery, of everything helped me to remember that God provides. I felt as if I hit the point where I couldn't do anything but surrender. And when I did, God gave me this tour. Never did I feel uncomfortable (i'm not counting the time when that guy asked for my number...) and I always felt safe. I never thought i'd be a part of something so special.



From my perspective, every person in the band is different and they all mean something special to me.


BenJammin (top left), me, Logan, E, & Teej. Liz is there in spirit. Urban Rescue toured with us too. I'm glad they did.

Now i'm at home. I'm deep in my thoughts and all I can think is-- some people say that high school or college was the time of their life. I can proudly say that I hated high school and college is hard. But the time of my life? The time of my life was spent on the road with FoF. And i'm pretty sure that there will be more to come.

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Cleaning up. Tired. Rough gig. Hopefully tomorrow's is better. Its the last show.

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E and liz and i are here at starbies. relaxing morning. Chill.

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once and a tea-cino.

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Balboa park. The great outdoors. Breathe it in!

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I Won't Let You Know

Alright. It's been a while since I've written. I can't explain how rough of a semester it has been. There have been a lot of curve balls and unexpected circumstances that I couldn't have seen coming. I'm worn out. I'm tired. And i'm relieved to feel the end creeping near. I'm on my last week of classes and I only have one final. My days vary in happiness. Today is not much of a happy day. I think I just failed my Japanese test and I figured out that I can only go on one part of the FoF Tour. But it's wednesday and tomorrow is thursday which is one day closer to a weekend of fun & music.

Life is certainly a sequence of events that force you to grow. However, I think my life has been a sequence of events that have forced me to deal with circumstances far beyond my maturity level. What's funny about it all is that i'm always in search for a new adventure. An enjoyable adventure with little known hardships along the way. It doesn't work that way, of course.

Now, I will leave you with the wise, wise words of Rachael Yamagata. This is how I feel. Verbatim.

"Would you please get out from under my skin cause I can't begin this yet. And I don't know what my intensions are. They're speaking in a different tongue. Deep inside i'm not as tough as I seem but, I won't let you know. Until it's right i'm gonna stay my distance and you should go."