A woman who lives with chronic pain said to my mom the other day, "You can't sit around and wait for the storm to be over. You've got to learn how to dance in the rain." That's a perfect description of living with depression, or any chronic illness.
-Therese J. Borchard
I love that.
Yesterday, the universe took a huge piss on me. Huge. I realized that I try so hard to help people, or do things for people, and I don't really have to try. I actually LIKE doing it. I like getting cakes and cards for people's birthday. I like helping people who ask me questions about dance. I like helping someone up. All of which I did yesterday. But the world took no consideration on my sensitive heart.
By midday, my only thought was f*ck. I was trying not to cry. Really trying hard. Then I realized people suck. And then I spend time alone in a piano room banging keys and balling. And then you go home and roommate just makes you feel a lot better.
I felt so selfish yesterday. It was like I didn't want people to pity me cause I was having a bad day. I mean after all, there are starving children in the Sudan. So I tried to hide the anxiety and all the emotions running around in my insides but then it builds and builds and builds to the point that there's nowhere for it to go except to just explode out of you. And that's what it did.
So it rained on me yesterday. But thankfully I love to dance.
I tried my hardest, universe. I tried.
9.19.2008
9.17.2008
Unselfish USED
Dear Baby,
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it.
-excerpt from the movie Waitress
Someone once told me that 2 people in love are 2 people who USE each other. It hurt to hear that. Me being the inexperienced and he being the experienced, it turned me away from him. I see where he was coming from, though. It makes sense. You use each other for affection, for a 20 minute hug, a kiss, for a shoulder to lean on, for a pillow to yell into, for a ear to hear you out. I get it. But to USE someone is so selfish-- so self-serving, narrow, asocial, or any other synonym for selfish. That's where he went wrong. Love--true love--should be unselfish right? It should be a two-way street rather than some small one way downtown. And if that isn't so, then it's not love. It can't be.
You can't compare feeling USED to feeling LOVED. Love wins every time.
I guess I've just had this on my heart for a while. Kinda came out when I watched Waitress last night.
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it.
-excerpt from the movie Waitress
Someone once told me that 2 people in love are 2 people who USE each other. It hurt to hear that. Me being the inexperienced and he being the experienced, it turned me away from him. I see where he was coming from, though. It makes sense. You use each other for affection, for a 20 minute hug, a kiss, for a shoulder to lean on, for a pillow to yell into, for a ear to hear you out. I get it. But to USE someone is so selfish-- so self-serving, narrow, asocial, or any other synonym for selfish. That's where he went wrong. Love--true love--should be unselfish right? It should be a two-way street rather than some small one way downtown. And if that isn't so, then it's not love. It can't be.
You can't compare feeling USED to feeling LOVED. Love wins every time.
I guess I've just had this on my heart for a while. Kinda came out when I watched Waitress last night.
9.16.2008
9.13.2008
Must See!
These are the concerts I would love to go to in the upcoming months:
Sept. 25th- My Morning Jacket
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 3rd- The Swell Season, Iron & Wine
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 28th- Matt Nathanson and Jessie Baylin
House of Blues (21+) (and i'll be 21 by then!)
Oct 31st- Jason Mraz
SDSU Open Air Theater
SDSU has some awesome show this time around.
There's a show at the Belly Up with Joshua Radin ( Zack Braff's best friend) and MISSY HIGGINS! but I can't go. Have a required performance to go to. Bleh.
I made be awkwardly handicap in the mobility department but I really really really want to go to The Swell Season at least! C'mon Once fans! Let's unite!
Sept. 25th- My Morning Jacket
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 3rd- The Swell Season, Iron & Wine
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 28th- Matt Nathanson and Jessie Baylin
House of Blues (21+) (and i'll be 21 by then!)
Oct 31st- Jason Mraz
SDSU Open Air Theater
SDSU has some awesome show this time around.
There's a show at the Belly Up with Joshua Radin ( Zack Braff's best friend) and MISSY HIGGINS! but I can't go. Have a required performance to go to. Bleh.
I made be awkwardly handicap in the mobility department but I really really really want to go to The Swell Season at least! C'mon Once fans! Let's unite!
9.12.2008
Never Not Myself
Would you want me when i'm not myself?...
When i'm someone else?
I was thinking about relationships the other day. Real relationships.
When you meet someone and you get along but you basically have almost nothing in common, is it okay to change? For some odd reason, I don't feel comfortable with that. I love a relationship where you can learn new things from each other mutually. I just have a problem of listening to comments like "you should do this and you should do that." I guess it basically comes down to yes, I would love to do that... I always wanted to... but don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.
I was watching Penelope the other day. It's a great movie. I loved it. It had many different themes and such subtle touches of social satire that you couldn't help but relate to it. In Penelope's case, she just had to realize that she liked herself the way she was in order to break a curse. Her personal life and thoughts weren't in the way she looked. She had to take a deeper look inside her heart to realize that that's where her personal feeling, thoughts, and life dwelled. I think a better analogy is in the life of a celebrity. They are haunted by paps and you see what they are doing on magazine covers and who they are dating. But is that REALLY their personal life? I don't think it is. I don't know who Julia Roberts is or who Brad Pitt is. I don't know their thoughts or what their heart pursues. That's their personal life.
I think that's what happens when you first meet someone. You know that you get along but you really don't have any idea of what they do or what they think. And all you have are impressions.
So... I guess what i'm saying is that I like myself the way I am. And I have no problems of learning new things. But I don't want to become a different person just for someone to like me. I think I come with a fair share of warning labels... but I do come with a bunch of surprises too. I just never want to change because of someone. I want to change because I see the changes I need to make in myself. I want to be one of those people on the street that is basically another plain jane but you can tell that she's sure of herself.
I'm a far ways off from that. I've yet to start my life. I just wanted to get that stright.
I'm not changing for anyone. I'll change on my own time.
When i'm someone else?
I was thinking about relationships the other day. Real relationships.
When you meet someone and you get along but you basically have almost nothing in common, is it okay to change? For some odd reason, I don't feel comfortable with that. I love a relationship where you can learn new things from each other mutually. I just have a problem of listening to comments like "you should do this and you should do that." I guess it basically comes down to yes, I would love to do that... I always wanted to... but don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.
I was watching Penelope the other day. It's a great movie. I loved it. It had many different themes and such subtle touches of social satire that you couldn't help but relate to it. In Penelope's case, she just had to realize that she liked herself the way she was in order to break a curse. Her personal life and thoughts weren't in the way she looked. She had to take a deeper look inside her heart to realize that that's where her personal feeling, thoughts, and life dwelled. I think a better analogy is in the life of a celebrity. They are haunted by paps and you see what they are doing on magazine covers and who they are dating. But is that REALLY their personal life? I don't think it is. I don't know who Julia Roberts is or who Brad Pitt is. I don't know their thoughts or what their heart pursues. That's their personal life.
I think that's what happens when you first meet someone. You know that you get along but you really don't have any idea of what they do or what they think. And all you have are impressions.
So... I guess what i'm saying is that I like myself the way I am. And I have no problems of learning new things. But I don't want to become a different person just for someone to like me. I think I come with a fair share of warning labels... but I do come with a bunch of surprises too. I just never want to change because of someone. I want to change because I see the changes I need to make in myself. I want to be one of those people on the street that is basically another plain jane but you can tell that she's sure of herself.
I'm a far ways off from that. I've yet to start my life. I just wanted to get that stright.
I'm not changing for anyone. I'll change on my own time.
9.11.2008
All I Wanna Do Is Walk
You remember that scene in Forest Gump when his mom dies and then Jenny leaves him and he just keeps running from one side of the US of A to the other? Do you remember? I remember. I know how he feels.
Today is one of those days where I wouldn't necessarily run but if you pointed me in one direction I think I could keep walking and walking and walking.
Last night I felt the anxiety creeping up on me. It's not like this day is difficult. I think it's more of a mixture of things. Sleeplessness, perfectionism, stress... on top of other things... just makes my heart cringe and my head hurt.
And I know what the majority consensus is: you'llsurviveit'sjustaflukeyou'llbefinejustremembertobreathe.
I would like for one person to just say... "let's go take a walk."
But instead, it's 8:30 in the morning. I feel like i'm gonna cry. And all I want to do is walk. I don't want to do anything but take a really really long walk.
yeah yeah... i know...
Today is one of those days where I wouldn't necessarily run but if you pointed me in one direction I think I could keep walking and walking and walking.
Last night I felt the anxiety creeping up on me. It's not like this day is difficult. I think it's more of a mixture of things. Sleeplessness, perfectionism, stress... on top of other things... just makes my heart cringe and my head hurt.
And I know what the majority consensus is: you'llsurviveit'sjustaflukeyou'llbefinejustremembertobreathe.
I would like for one person to just say... "let's go take a walk."
But instead, it's 8:30 in the morning. I feel like i'm gonna cry. And all I want to do is walk. I don't want to do anything but take a really really long walk.
yeah yeah... i know...
9.10.2008
...pfff...
I
am
so
weird.
Sometimes I don't get why I act the way I do.
Today in class I actually volunteered to answer a question. IN JAPANESE.
I never speak up in class. NEVER.
Even so...IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Today, I fear, I am someone else other than myself.
Someone save me.
I
am
so
weird.
am
so
weird.
Sometimes I don't get why I act the way I do.
Today in class I actually volunteered to answer a question. IN JAPANESE.
I never speak up in class. NEVER.
Even so...IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Today, I fear, I am someone else other than myself.
Someone save me.
I
am
so
weird.
9.07.2008
Photoshop fun
I like taking quotes or old pictures and printing them out and putting them on my wall.
...
...
9.05.2008
9.03.2008
When Bored at Work...
Write about your favorite actors!
I have 5 favorite actresses. In no particular order:
Lauren Bacall
Meryl Streep
Juliette Binoche
Julia Roberts
Gwyneth Paltrow
If anyone has watched a Bogie and Bacall movie, you know why I love Lauren Bacall. Gosh! To be so womanly, so strong and not really have to try so hard to do so… that’s a trait I’d love to have. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure you’re born with a presence such as Mrs. Bogie’s rather than gaining it.
Meryl Streep, oh yes. She is fierce isn’t she? I have a ton of her movies in my queue on Netflix. I want to watch all of her movies. I watched The Hours which was a very well made movie. Slightly depressing but many movies with a strong feminist view tend to lean toward that way. Meryl is one of those ladies who are so wise. I look at Meryl and I want her to tell me something I don’t know. I want her to tell me it’ll all be okay and I’ll believe her.
Juliette Binoche. If I were to pick one actress I would love to be like, Juliette would be it. She’s smart. She studies. She has lived life. I watch her in movies and I’m stuck. Not because she good and certainly not because she’s the main character. It’s because she’s sincere. She’s so honest. Every part she plays, she brings this innocence to it. It’s like she’s been there before but yet it’s her first time. I watched her in Paris, Je T’aime the other day and she didn’t even have to say anything and I knew. I knew her pain and sadness. She just looked and I knew. I admire that.
I have adored Julia Roberts forever. Queen of romantic comedies. I think I like her because she makes me feel like it can happen to me. And maybe Julia really sparked my interest in movies. I take movies literally. And I blame that on Julia. She makes me feel like if it can happen to her it can happen to me too. There’s a personable factor about her that I love.
The reason why I love Gwyneth is because I always forget that she’s American. I always picture her as Emma or Viola in Shakespeare in Love or Maud in Possession. She makes me believe she’s actually British.
So that’s enough movie blabber for now.
I have 5 favorite actresses. In no particular order:
Lauren Bacall
Meryl Streep
Juliette Binoche
Julia Roberts
Gwyneth Paltrow
If anyone has watched a Bogie and Bacall movie, you know why I love Lauren Bacall. Gosh! To be so womanly, so strong and not really have to try so hard to do so… that’s a trait I’d love to have. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure you’re born with a presence such as Mrs. Bogie’s rather than gaining it.
Meryl Streep, oh yes. She is fierce isn’t she? I have a ton of her movies in my queue on Netflix. I want to watch all of her movies. I watched The Hours which was a very well made movie. Slightly depressing but many movies with a strong feminist view tend to lean toward that way. Meryl is one of those ladies who are so wise. I look at Meryl and I want her to tell me something I don’t know. I want her to tell me it’ll all be okay and I’ll believe her.
Juliette Binoche. If I were to pick one actress I would love to be like, Juliette would be it. She’s smart. She studies. She has lived life. I watch her in movies and I’m stuck. Not because she good and certainly not because she’s the main character. It’s because she’s sincere. She’s so honest. Every part she plays, she brings this innocence to it. It’s like she’s been there before but yet it’s her first time. I watched her in Paris, Je T’aime the other day and she didn’t even have to say anything and I knew. I knew her pain and sadness. She just looked and I knew. I admire that.
I have adored Julia Roberts forever. Queen of romantic comedies. I think I like her because she makes me feel like it can happen to me. And maybe Julia really sparked my interest in movies. I take movies literally. And I blame that on Julia. She makes me feel like if it can happen to her it can happen to me too. There’s a personable factor about her that I love.
The reason why I love Gwyneth is because I always forget that she’s American. I always picture her as Emma or Viola in Shakespeare in Love or Maud in Possession. She makes me believe she’s actually British.
So that’s enough movie blabber for now.
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About Me
- I am Christina.
- The day my mother gave me wings was the day I started learning how to fly. I'm now realizing that it takes a lifetime to learn how to soar. This is my journey. Well, a part of it.