Pent Up[date]

I pretend a lot and I think it's catching up to me.

This summer was set aside to work and make money and find a new place. I've been trying to do what I can from home. There's craigslist and most jobs don't carry paper applications but instead tell you to apply online. A lot of time has passed and i'm feeling less and less confident in myself. I end up spending a lot of down time at home. the first week or two at home was nice. I got myself the rest I deserved and had time to go for runs and catch up on movies and tv shows. Now i'ts just ridiculous. I spend too much time at home and I feel like i'm just wasting time now. So I just pretend nothing is wrong. Forget about the reality of things and just watch hours pass, days pass, and think "everything will be okay."

The truth is... I have to find a job to pay rent. But I can't keep the job longer than 2 months because when school starts, I have a job again. No one wants to hire me for 2 months. My options are also limited. Being carless, I can only apply to places where the bus or the sprinter can take me. And because of the economy and the stupid gas prices rising, so are the fares for public transit. I've checked out 2 new places to live through craigslist. One of which I can't take because I have no job. The second place I checked isn't right for because i'd be living with a married couple, a mormon man, and the occasional 9 year old son from another mother. Just... not my cup of tea when it comes to homelife. And I would love to stick around here for a little longer. I like it here. But the love birds are getting married in october, and they are fighting a lot (lots of yelling, crying, hitting, leaving, clamming doors, etc...) which leads to make up sex. Yes, my life right now is depressing.

And I'm not sure which is a priority but it looks like, the job is ruling out. Does anyone know how to go about this? I'm afraid to walk out my door now and I feel like if I get on a train, I might be tempted to just keep sitting there while going back and forth, passing the same stations over and over again. Cause I feel like that's how my life is right now. Just at some kind of moving stand still. I know that my life is moving foward, I know time flies, and I know there's more to the story than what i've seen some more-- but I feel like I am at a standstill. Just wasting days like it's nothing, like it's all pretend.

Bottled up emotions are soon to explode. I want to be hopeful and I know that sadness is surrender. All I feel right now is anger and i'm angry at myself for feeling this way.