matters of

my head decides

but my heart refuses

my mouth talks me out of it

my shoulders shrug

and my toes tap

arms cross

my stomach starts to knot

all because

my heart

and my head

can't be friends

4am dream

i guess that i was

looking for magic

its happened too many times

with all the wrong guys

they always want a love

that stays static

but love's the only movement

that i recognize

...but i shouldn't

expect better

at this rate

i'd be lucky

if someone

wanted me

forever...

Rain

rain

i fell asleep with you
&
woke up with you
if i had a boyfriend
i'd consider this an affair

but since i don't
can we do this again?

i am porcelain

treat me fine
treat me with care
i'm not sure how much more
of this weight i can bare

bare
my heart is bare
this emptiness i feel
the nothingness within
isn't fair

fair
what is fair?
love and war
which one to die for?
sometimes i wish
i didn't care
so much

so much
for happiness
paying for
my innocence
all of these
heavier things
can make me feel like

porcelain

Julie of my own heart.

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

- Julie Delpy as Marion in 2 Days in Paris

You've Been Bleeding

bare feet on
broken glass
you have stolen
my heart
and left me
without saying goodbye

it hurts me
to know you're
hurting
and though you
haunt me
you're long,
long gone

you've been bleeding

deny me
one more time but
i'll still hold on tightly
to a glimmer of hope

i've memorized you
and do i have to remind you
that you're always in my mind

you've been bleeding

should i have
tried to make you change your mind
a hidden wound i couldn't find
try to get a message through
still you left me all too soon

you've been bleeding

did i do this to you?

Stars

who needs sleep
when you have the stars
with 10 other bodies
to keep you warm

for i gaze at stars
as if i'm gazing into the eyes
of someone who knows me
better than i know myself

Ramona and Julian know
the secret to it all
the higher you go
the closer you are

so we reach for them
spend all night counting them
lose track of time
but at least it was
time well spent

if every day
could be like that night
i would dream all day
and count stars
all night

We Dreamers

we dreamers
we go unloved
dreaming up more
than we can have
we dreamers
we go unloved
all cause dreams
can't love you back

but we dreamers
we accept our fate
we're not angry
or irate
only content
what is meant
to be
will be

we dreamers
we may not have
arms to hold us
or lips
to kiss us
but in our dreams
we find the
greatest love
ever
and we never
let go

we dreamers
we go unloved
dreaming up more
than we can be
we dreamers
we go unloved
but we know
what we can't have
can be dreamed

Hi I'm Homebody

i leave my house
everyday
well...
almost everyday
and
i enter
into the world

i enter into
car horns
people's glances
mistakes
wrong turns
boys
and other things
not all bad

when i finish the day
and walk through
the front door
i walk into safety
or at least i hope to

sometimes this is why
i want to live
all alone
cause when you're alone
no one else affects you

their bad days
don't cause your days
to worsen
and their opinions
don't cause yours
to shrivel up
their actions
don't cause you to
feel unsafe

these things don't happen
cause you live alone

i don't live alone

so when i come through
my front door
sometimes
well...
most of the time
i go straight to my room
and close my door

cause in my room
with my door closed
i am safe
and i am
home

Suit Up

i catch myself when i'm falling
i have to protect what's mine
one step too far
and i might actually fall for you
and we both know
that's not what I do

see these scars?
i've fallen one time too many
you may know more than me
but i know you can't be
all too good for me
no matter what time says
there's no good time
for bloodshed

there's always a war in my heart
to give in
or fight back
i trust my instinct
but i still wear my armor

you're coming closer
so i'll suit up for you
you're coming closer
my arms are ready
to catch me
as I fall

Inside the Mind of an Artist

"Creative people live in a heightened reality," says Gallagher. "The good times feel extra good and the bad times feel extra bad. However, there are plenty of creative people who find other, healthier ways to deal with their emotions."

"Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, Jim Morrison, Johnny Cash, Eric Clapton, Sly Stone, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jerry Garcia, Bob Marley, Eddie Van Halen, Cobain, Eminem, members of the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith and Metallica, and many others who heavily influenced their art used drugs and/or alcohol regularly during their creative peak."




I read this article:

http://www.mercurynews.com/entertainment/ci_12846398?nclick_check=1

and it made me think.
i could kind of relate.
but only in some aspects.

you try.

Why I Love Lyrics.

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood....

Mr. Shaw

I can be
pretty
ugly
tall
short
fat
thin
nice
mean
big
small
little
huge
fine
good
bad
brave
harsh
hot
cold
I can be
a lot of things
to a lot of people

but I

I just want to be anything but commonplace.

"Some men see things as they are and say why - I dream things that never were and say why not."
- George Bernard Shaw

Instantaneously

every now and then
i want to see things
happen
the minute they start
i want to see
the result
before it gets hard

But life--
it just doesn't work
that way

does it?

I mean
after all...
Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was him

If there ever was a man
who listened to the way he felt
over the way he thought
or the way others thought

it was him.

no dance moves
no music
like his
could ever come from the head

only the heart

my childhood spent
in a car seat
in the backseat
of my mom's minivan
singing to his tapes
even if I didn't get the words

watching him on tv
wanting to dance
at the age of 3
he's the reason why
i spent hours
in the afternoons
with a remote control hitting
rewind
play
rewind
play
rewind
fast foward
play

watching thriller
when i was in first grade
scared to watch
but still
couldn't take my eyes off

let's remember him for his art
his beautiful
amazing
crazy
out there
uncoverable
art

Slow Motion Scars

no one taught me how to fall

so i'm learning now
i'm finding out it's difficult
to let go
and know

you're gonna crash

but there's that moment
when you've already let go
and you realize
you're mid air
and everything moves so slow
you see everything clear
knowing you've done
the damage
you close your eyes
and await the fate

that moment is my favorite

even if in the end

it leaves me
with a scar

Knees

i need
to say
whatever i'm feeling
my knees
are red
from constant kneeling
below you
i was
but words
pulled me out

these words
are my shoes
walk around
if
you're afraid
i understand
here
take my hand
i'll never save
you
but words
will pull
you out

Just A Bunch of Words

I really don't know what I want.

This guy that I know, he used to always get angry with me. I won't get into the details of our relationship but he used to ask me, "What do you want?!" Actually, he'd ask me all the time. And i'd never have an answer. Which in turn, made him upset. Mostly because I really didn't know what I wanted from him.

Sometimes what I want is super clear. If I have a craving for chocolate or which color shirt to wear or which movie I want to watch.

But when it comes down to the deeper and bigger decisions in life, I really have no idea.

This reality has become a lot more depressing over the years. Especially because I've always been the type of girl who knew what she wanted. Or so I thought.

I'm beginning to realize that maybe it was just a bunch of words.

One Last Hike

I was feeling the sadness slowly creeping up on me the last few days I was at Fume Bake (F is H and B is L). I was kind of angry and frustrated to be indoors on my last full day.

Eric sent me out to get a mini DV tape that cost 10 bucks at the general store so I didn't get one. Instead I bought a gatorade and walked toward the lake.

Travis was there.

We decided to take a walk around the lake. I had never done that before. It made my week's end so special. Travis is special. Good guy. I got a biology lesson from a certified botanist and biologist. Not to mention the spontaneous 3.5 mile hike around the lake.

It was a good day.

Now i'm home. I can barely see the stars. I miss the smell. I want the trees back and the blue sky. I wish I could have bottled it up.

But then I think...

If it was always within my reach, would it be as special as it is to me now?

No.

So now I wait for another opportunity to make it back up the hill. If I don't, then i'm perfectly happy with the memories I have. Many many memories.

Hume Blog 9: Shhhh....