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in the van! Wish forestry a good trip!

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long long soundcheck. Hungry!

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waiting at the station at o-side. Here for the 3rd time in one week. I must be trying to tell myself something.

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i can't finish my breakfast! Go to goody's on las tunas! World famous peaches!

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steph and jamie with my heart shaped nugget.

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jonny rockets with claire! It's been too long!

On Going North

I admit it. I've been home sick. Home sick for all that I used to know. Sick and tired of being so far away from my closest friends and not remembering what it was like to just enjoy the company of people that I have grown up with.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been friendless. Loneliness is the best way to describe it. There was no excitement in hello's or goodbye's or even plans in the near future. I've been so alone.

So finally I decided to do something about it and came up to San Gabriel; my hometown (and proud of it even if its whole entire contents of when I first started living here has been swapped out with asian plazas and well... asian everything). I got to see one of my best friends AC perform his singing stuff. I got hang with Andy. I got to see a ton of other people who randomly started showing up slowly and slowly. I guess it happens on a normal basis... evone was used to it but me. OH! And Edgar and I won a round a beer pong against AC and Andy! woot. PLUS! Today I get to see Claire, Jamie, and Steph which I can't really describe how happy that makes me feel.

It's good to remember where you came from. I'm stilla firm believer is going out and exploring life. But sometimes, you just need a weekend to go to a place where people really know who you are and are excited to see you and vise versa. I feel loved.

I've made a lot of good decisions in my life. I've made a whole lot more bad ones too. But the decision to come here, I must say, has been one the best decisions i've made in my life. I don't say this often but...

I'm proud of myself.

I need to do this more often. Seriously.

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i'm gonna ride the train to the beach and back. I like pretending that im going somewhere.

Pent Up[date]

I pretend a lot and I think it's catching up to me.

This summer was set aside to work and make money and find a new place. I've been trying to do what I can from home. There's craigslist and most jobs don't carry paper applications but instead tell you to apply online. A lot of time has passed and i'm feeling less and less confident in myself. I end up spending a lot of down time at home. the first week or two at home was nice. I got myself the rest I deserved and had time to go for runs and catch up on movies and tv shows. Now i'ts just ridiculous. I spend too much time at home and I feel like i'm just wasting time now. So I just pretend nothing is wrong. Forget about the reality of things and just watch hours pass, days pass, and think "everything will be okay."

The truth is... I have to find a job to pay rent. But I can't keep the job longer than 2 months because when school starts, I have a job again. No one wants to hire me for 2 months. My options are also limited. Being carless, I can only apply to places where the bus or the sprinter can take me. And because of the economy and the stupid gas prices rising, so are the fares for public transit. I've checked out 2 new places to live through craigslist. One of which I can't take because I have no job. The second place I checked isn't right for because i'd be living with a married couple, a mormon man, and the occasional 9 year old son from another mother. Just... not my cup of tea when it comes to homelife. And I would love to stick around here for a little longer. I like it here. But the love birds are getting married in october, and they are fighting a lot (lots of yelling, crying, hitting, leaving, clamming doors, etc...) which leads to make up sex. Yes, my life right now is depressing.

And I'm not sure which is a priority but it looks like, the job is ruling out. Does anyone know how to go about this? I'm afraid to walk out my door now and I feel like if I get on a train, I might be tempted to just keep sitting there while going back and forth, passing the same stations over and over again. Cause I feel like that's how my life is right now. Just at some kind of moving stand still. I know that my life is moving foward, I know time flies, and I know there's more to the story than what i've seen some more-- but I feel like I am at a standstill. Just wasting days like it's nothing, like it's all pretend.

Bottled up emotions are soon to explode. I want to be hopeful and I know that sadness is surrender. All I feel right now is anger and i'm angry at myself for feeling this way.

CK's Running Music

I've been running a lot lately. If the rest of my summer is dull, at least I know that I'm actually doing something to lose a little weight. But never did I think I would be running this much and I think it's because I started taking my ipod with me. There's something about music that makes me keep going. It sends some kind of message to my brain and it makes me think that I actually can go the distance. It wasn't till yesterday though, that I realized in which order my music should make its way into my racing heart.

There's about 12 songs that play from the time I leave my house till the time I get back. Three of these songs reflect the three major levels that occur during my run.

First, I like to start of with some good drums. Not trans-y or punk rock. No. I like jazz. Full of rhythm and soul. I'd like to introduce you all to my favorite drummer-- Steve Jordan. He is the drummer for the John Mayer Trio and also for some of John's solo stuff. There's something about his drumming that makes me want to move. I guess it's safe to say that his beats are a movement in itself.

After that I just let the shuffle take over. It gets me started. Nothing mellow though. I have a good mix of hip hop, pop, rock, jazz, acoustic, etc...

Then you get to the part of the run where your legs just want to give up. You start feeling winded and tired. You feel the sweat on your face, legs, back, well... everywhere. Stopping is the only thing that is on your mind! Gravity is just torturing you with its weight! The world is on your shoulders and....

Sara Bareilles' Many the Miles comes on. A sweet little piano medley with very appropriate lyrics:

There's too many things that i haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when i was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again i lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and i'll be happy to follow you Love

Like I said, appropriate lyrics to boost the ol' self esteem when the hard gets harder.

During the song I like to picture someone special waiting for me at the finish line. Like... I don't know... Mr. Darcy or John Mayer. OR both for that matter. The more the merrier.

After that little confidence booster, things start getting easier and the finish line is almost there. I shuffle the songs once more. THEN! there it is... I see the finish.

Find the song...... scroll down.... THERE!

You and I- Future of Forestry. The big finale. I love these guy... but that's not why I play the song. There's something amazingly triumphant about this song. It makes me want to set up one of those finish lines when get home so that when the chorus strikes I can stretch my arms up and run through the tape. Yeah-- there's just something about the song that makes me feel accomplished and when I come home I feel good. Then I have the song stuck in my head for a few hours after that but... totally worth the feeling.

So that's all i've gotta say on that. Anyone wanna go for a run? There's a lake right near my house and there's a trail that goes all around it.

Love is the movement yo! Let's dance!

Nothing Left To Do

I've been feeling kind of useless these past few days and I'm not sure what else there is for me to do. I really need a job and the one that I really wanted is now up in limbo--I won't find out what position I got until Tuesday. So for the past few days I've been basically the biggest loser in the world. I've watched every episode of Ellen and Oprah and i've watched every gilmore girl episode that comes on ABC Famil twice a day. I do however go on runs which is definitely a nice change in the schedule but otherwise, I have nothing to do.

I'm not used to this nothing to do business. Having something to do or rather, something on the schedule that doesn't consist of me being at home would be nice. I thought of starting a project. I've cleaned my room and the bathroom. I've watched movies, listened to music, found all the books I want to sell on amazon, and threw away a bunch of crap I didn't need. I even reorganized my 'important documents' into one filing folder.

There is always the option of going to starbucks and reading a jane austen novel. Sounds nice, but boring. I need something phyiscal. Something like swimming or wall climbing or getting a job!

I'm going crazy. I need something to do. Maybe I should start learning how to paint. But I don't have paint. Maybe i'll do a collage with all the papers that i'm throwing away. Why would I do that? I'm out of ideas. I can play my guitar again. That always passes the time, but I played it so much yesterday my fingers were black. Maybe i'll dust. Or vaccuum. Learn another language. I wish I had a puzzle. Like a million piece puzzle. I could probably finish it by tomorrow. Very possible. The last thing I want to do is eat. That's how i'll get fat.

I tried finding jobs online today and I found those secret shoppers and opinion poll things. You basically have to pay 20 bucks to get paid for shopping. I don't get it. They all seem like scams. But I honestly would love to get 100 bucks for a survey. Just seems a little scam-ish to me.

I have no idea what else there is for me to do. As you can see, I'm trying to pass time with this blog. I'll probably end up playing some Myspace Pool and then go for my run, take a shower, eat my left over noodles and Co., and well... that's it. I won't and can't do anything more cause THERE'S NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!!

barking at nothing

There's this dog next door that sits all day in the patio and barks at nothing. Sometimes I open my blinds all the way up and peek at it. It's a small dog. Looks like a Maltese Poodle mix. And honest to God-- it barks at nothing. Just sits there and barks.

Then I realize that I bark at nothing all the freakin time.

Today I had job interview and it went terribly. I was so nervous cause I really wanted this job. I feel like I have A.D.D when it comes to answering questions. They ask me a question and my words come out all jumbled. Then when the next person is asking the next question, i'm thinking of how badly I answered last question and all the while i'm completely panicking inside and freaking out because these 3 people are sitting and staring at me with blank faces.

I left the interview today with low self esteem and a dire need for a bucket of chocolate ice cream to drown my woes with. I called friends to vent to and walked home like the world just crashed down on me. I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I got home that dog was still barking at nothing. Still yapping away.

I think I make a bigger deal than things ought to be. I have to stop barking at nothing.

I Dream Intensely

I had this insane dream last night. INSANE!

Here we go. We were in an auditorium and I was there with my old friend Jamie. My mom was hosting a concert or showcase of some sort and she invited me up to sing the national anthem. I was really nervous and I did horribly. So horribly that I actually had to back track the words and redo some of the song because I wasn't singing the right notes. I also started it too low. But I went back and sat down in complete embarrassment. People were telling me how good it was but I knew they thought it was crap. Then I had to go grab my bag from the lockers in the dressing room but instead I got distracted by old friends. Sarah and I dashed out because we saw chuck on the prowl. Chuck is a man of creepiness and you don't want to start a conversation with him because you'll never be able to get out of it. So we bolted and we headed over to a a middle school. We were hanging out with some of the student teachers and then chuck came to pick up his daughter. So sarah and I bolted out of there but we could find her car. There was a huge parking lot and we couldn't find her car. So Sarah starts panicking and thinks it got towed to the lot across the street. We're walking around and then BAM! my old friend William is dressed in all black bumps into me. We hug and I didn't want to let go for some reason. The hug felt really good. But he had to go to work. So we said goodbye and I went on trying to find Sarah's hatchback scion. Finally found it. There was tape on it and I thought my stuff was stolen except my pride and prejudice book. But then I remembered that I didn't grab my bag from the lockers in the dressing room. So we headed on our way back home but then the roads were really bumpy and full of gravel. And we were going really fast and bam! the road broke away and we started falling.

That's where it ended.

oh lord.