12.31.2008
12.30.2008
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12.29.2008
12.28.2008
12.27.2008
New Additions
Babies always make blogs cuter. You just want to release a huge "AWWWW...." don't you?
Her name is Kalea (Kuh-Lay-Uh). The newest addition to the Tokunaga family. They've been our family friends forever and i've spent most of my Christmases with them and their family. I think I was 6 when they first met me. It's 15 years later and now the house is bursting with new little ones such as Kalea.
I think she's my favorite. SO CUTE!
12.26.2008
12.24.2008
The Story of THE PATCH!
I was going to wait until I posted the video but apparently people are really curious as to why I have a huge patch on my face in some of my pictures...
Here's the story. The full story.
Somewhere closer to the beginning of the second half of the Future of Forestry Christmas Tour we had to drive from Simi Valley to Surprise, AZ. However, it took us 4 hours to get from Simi Valley just to Fontana which usually should only take maybe 2 hours tops. So you could imagine what kind of boredom we were feeling. So somewhere in like the Monterey Park/Montebello area I started filming Dave in the "confessional booth" scene. That's when something flew into my eye. I was convinced it was an ant but no one believes me. Apparently Teej thinks a bird punched me in the eye. And there's a small yet unsurfaced rumor that Boom punched me. But I guess all of them are untrue. Something flew into to my eye and my eye started crying. I thought it came out but it still felt like something was in there. Imagine what it would feel like if a toothpick was stuck in your eye. That's what it felt like.
Anywho...
We drove to AZ and my eye was in pain. I went to bed that night and I woke up with my eye the size of a golf ball. I looked like the hunchback of notre dame. Most of the poofyness was due to the non stop weeping. I couldn't look out my left eye so cossing the street was hard. I even wore a toilet paper roll around my neck because my eye would just keep crying. I made the guyssome pizzas but after that I just stayed in bed because it's amazing how much life can be drained out of you by ONE EYEBALL. So Tam decides that it's time for urgent care. I had never been to urgent care before.
This part was cool though...
So first the doctor put these numbing drops in my eye. Hurt like hell. But I didn't feel anything after that. Then he put some kind of glow in the dark stuff in my eye and he turned off the lights and put a blacklight over me. Told me to move my eye around and he found 2 scratches. One big one and one little one. So he gave me some drops to put in my eye and he put a patch on me. Now, this patch was no ordinary patch. It was about 20 gauze strips thick and was bound to my face with these huge pieces of some kind of masking tape. It was RIDICULOUS. But thankfully the only people who would see me with it on was the guys...
NOT! 24 hours of that stupid eye patch. Little kids were running behind their mommys asking what was wrong with me. I also ran into many walls at first and eating was really hard. I had a depth perception deficiency for about 5 hours. I finally got used to it though.
But by sunday it was all better. I was able to enjoy being able to see with both eyes.
I'm all better now. Good memories.
12.22.2008
It's Quiet. Too Quiet.
I just came back from the FoF Christmas Tour. I feel weird in my own house. There's no one here, no noise, no music, no TJ and his jingles, no Prince Travy and Boom. No Tam and E snuggling everywhere.
I put on the first tape from the tour and it feels like it was about a month ago but in reality it was only about a week ago. Actually, yeah. Exactly a week ago that we were at the epicentre.
I feel so blessed. I felt safe, I had so much fun, and it feels as if i've been surrounded by music and good company that will last me for months. This past week has been one of the most awesome adventures of my life and hopefully I get to tag along on another tour. Hopefully next years Christmas tour =)
I have so many stories and 6 hours of footage that I'm currently watching. Hopefully i'll get to them soon enough and be able to put them on Forestry's YouTube site.
Anyways, i'm looking at myself in the mirror and my eyes look beat and tired. It might be partially due to the fact that my eyes have cried so much over this past week not of sadness but because of a stupid little speck (or because Boom beat me up). However, I'm tired. I have to do laundry and pack up again.
As a parting adieu, here are some awesome sites you need to check out.
www.myspace.com/futureofforestry
www.myspace.com/saltwatermerchants
www.myspace.com/kokuaonline
www.myspace.com/urbanrescue
laters!
I put on the first tape from the tour and it feels like it was about a month ago but in reality it was only about a week ago. Actually, yeah. Exactly a week ago that we were at the epicentre.
I feel so blessed. I felt safe, I had so much fun, and it feels as if i've been surrounded by music and good company that will last me for months. This past week has been one of the most awesome adventures of my life and hopefully I get to tag along on another tour. Hopefully next years Christmas tour =)
I have so many stories and 6 hours of footage that I'm currently watching. Hopefully i'll get to them soon enough and be able to put them on Forestry's YouTube site.
Anyways, i'm looking at myself in the mirror and my eyes look beat and tired. It might be partially due to the fact that my eyes have cried so much over this past week not of sadness but because of a stupid little speck (or because Boom beat me up). However, I'm tired. I have to do laundry and pack up again.
As a parting adieu, here are some awesome sites you need to check out.
www.myspace.com/futureofforestry
www.myspace.com/saltwatermerchants
www.myspace.com/kokuaonline
www.myspace.com/urbanrescue
laters!
12.21.2008
12.20.2008
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12.19.2008
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12.18.2008
Those Feelings
There's a band called Urban Rescue that opened for Forestry a few times on this Christmas tour. E is producing their album and these guys are raw talent. They are definitely sitting on something unique and intriguing. I had a chance to hear some their newly recorded stuff and it's good. Real good. I didn't really get a chance to get to know them. There's this automatic seperation that occurs somehow when you're "with" a band. I think it comes with the responsibilities you're in charge of and have to do... in my case... anything E tells me to do.
I can tell these guys are good guys. But there's one thing that I sort of regret besides not being able to spend much time with them. Jordan is the lead singer of the band. Great voice. Kind of has this jon foreman-esque thing going on. Really sweet guy. Everyone says how he's probably one of the nicest and kindest people they have ever met. His girlfriend is super nice too.
Well, he came up to me yesterday and asked me if I was going on the rest of the tour with Forestry and I told him I was. Then he asked me "how"? I pointed to the van, naturally. But that wasn't the answer he was looking for. He wanted to know how as in, how the heck can I afford it or how the heck did I ever get an opportunity like this. I told him the lamest answer ever. I told him that everything is basically free. Except on days off. Then we have to pay for our own food.
So I felt completely stupid last night for saying that. I blame the exhaustion. I thought about it a lot and i've come up with the only answer that really makes sense. So I take back that last answer and I would like to tell Jordan... if I ever talk to him again... that God provides.
There comes a certain point when the big things don't seem that big anymore. Money is just money. Food is just food. I think God has provided me more than that. He's given me opportunities. He has put these people in my life at such a young age and they have been probably the most influential people that have ever come into my life (besides my mom of course--I love you mom.)
I guess it's a huge deal to be riding in the band van and knowing some stuff about the process of touring and business of being a band. Actually, I never thought I'd be able to ever ride in the band van. But then again, I never thought I'd know these guys. I never thought that they'd want me around. I never thought that i'd be here with them. I never thought these things. And if someone told me that i'd be doing all these things, meeting all these great people, and being surrounded my music, love, and craziness... I would have freaked out. Actually, I probably wouldn't have believed them.
All I know is that for some reason God has surrounded me with these amazing people. And being here right now doesn't seem like a big deal. So right now...right at THIS MOMENT... I want to see through Jordan's eyes. I want to sit here in E's parents home and think "this isn't happening!!!!!" for just a second. I just want to remember what it feels like.
...
Feels good to remember that feeling.
It's funny how you get caught up in the now or even just the little bits of darkness more than you sit and remember those good times and feelings.
It's funny how I came up with all that just from Jordan's question.
www.myspace.com/urbanrescue
Travis just woke up. We've got 2 and a half hours. Forgot about the time change. We'll be getting there at 11:30 ish. Goody. Glad TJ is here. He can make me laugh all the way. We need to make a TJ quote book. I'm still filming the documentary... off i go.
I can tell these guys are good guys. But there's one thing that I sort of regret besides not being able to spend much time with them. Jordan is the lead singer of the band. Great voice. Kind of has this jon foreman-esque thing going on. Really sweet guy. Everyone says how he's probably one of the nicest and kindest people they have ever met. His girlfriend is super nice too.
Well, he came up to me yesterday and asked me if I was going on the rest of the tour with Forestry and I told him I was. Then he asked me "how"? I pointed to the van, naturally. But that wasn't the answer he was looking for. He wanted to know how as in, how the heck can I afford it or how the heck did I ever get an opportunity like this. I told him the lamest answer ever. I told him that everything is basically free. Except on days off. Then we have to pay for our own food.
So I felt completely stupid last night for saying that. I blame the exhaustion. I thought about it a lot and i've come up with the only answer that really makes sense. So I take back that last answer and I would like to tell Jordan... if I ever talk to him again... that God provides.
There comes a certain point when the big things don't seem that big anymore. Money is just money. Food is just food. I think God has provided me more than that. He's given me opportunities. He has put these people in my life at such a young age and they have been probably the most influential people that have ever come into my life (besides my mom of course--I love you mom.)
I guess it's a huge deal to be riding in the band van and knowing some stuff about the process of touring and business of being a band. Actually, I never thought I'd be able to ever ride in the band van. But then again, I never thought I'd know these guys. I never thought that they'd want me around. I never thought that i'd be here with them. I never thought these things. And if someone told me that i'd be doing all these things, meeting all these great people, and being surrounded my music, love, and craziness... I would have freaked out. Actually, I probably wouldn't have believed them.
All I know is that for some reason God has surrounded me with these amazing people. And being here right now doesn't seem like a big deal. So right now...right at THIS MOMENT... I want to see through Jordan's eyes. I want to sit here in E's parents home and think "this isn't happening!!!!!" for just a second. I just want to remember what it feels like.
...
Feels good to remember that feeling.
It's funny how you get caught up in the now or even just the little bits of darkness more than you sit and remember those good times and feelings.
It's funny how I came up with all that just from Jordan's question.
www.myspace.com/urbanrescue
Travis just woke up. We've got 2 and a half hours. Forgot about the time change. We'll be getting there at 11:30 ish. Goody. Glad TJ is here. He can make me laugh all the way. We need to make a TJ quote book. I'm still filming the documentary... off i go.
12.17.2008
Missy/Following
This blog is a day late. I really wanted to write about Missy Higgins. Now I want to talk about a lot more so I'm ust gonna keep writing and see where that ends up.
Now, Missy Higgins' concert last last night was probably one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I'll tell you why. There's not many girl singer songwriters that can actually play both guitar and piano and still sound like the cd. NO, note even like the cd... BETTER THAN THE CD. Her Recordings don't do her justice. I told the girls last night that missy should really think about cutting a live album. The arrangements of some songs are just wonderful. They honestly made me cry. some of them. Or at least I wanted to. She played old songs as well as new ones. One I haven't ever heard before. I think what really made good was her ability to just talk to the audience. She just becomes so honest with everyone and makes everyone laugh. I think that's a unique quality. If you're up on stage and you don't say anything I always think it's a boring show. Unless you're like sigur ros or something. But when an artist is able to take time between a song and say something witty, I think it shows something about their character and gives us the illusion that we're having a conversation with them--getting to know them better even.
So I am on a Missy high at the moment. I listened to her on the train ride to Oceanside and I'm going to listen to her a lot more in the das to come.
Oh, and I grabbed her set list! Nice long list of songs...
So, what else do I have to talk about? Oh yes, I remember...
Future of Forestry. They are on their Christmas tour right now and I heard it live for the first time last night. These guys continue to surprise me. Eric continues to surprise me. The Christmas set up is different from the rest of the year. Dave and Travis come and join the band with their trombones and guitars and vocals. It's really nice. Tj is trying his hand at drums and he's really super good. That guy is so talented... it's insane. Ben is there and E is too. So it's a 5 man band during Christmas. What I love about the Christmas tour is that there's this feeling of 'As long as the music is playing, Forestry just wants you to draw near.' Near to what? Anything your heart desires. I sat there listening to them yesterday and just thought to myself how far E has come and how good they all sound and why the heck God has really kept them around in my life. Then I got this nostalgic feeling. The kind of feeling I remember feeling when I was at hume and a lot of concerts after that. That little tug at my heart that said 'You're gonna know them.." or "Go get to know them..."
Sometimes I think this weird following Forestry around has got to end at some point. But I don't think it ever will. I mean, everything has an end, but music never dies. And I didn't get teased in high school for being obsessed with them just to find out that I was never going to know them in my future. I think we have moments every day that you find a person, a place, or thing that you have a connection with. I think most of the time we drop the connection, hang up the phone, and leave it behind never to remember it again. But sometimes, you find the connection and you have no idea why. But you follow it and it gets you somewhere you never thought you could end up. That's my relationship with Eric and Tam and everyone else I've known over the years. I'm greatful and I still have faith that all of this following them around everywhere isn't for nothing.
So i've been elected to follow them around with cameras and that's what i'm doing. I want to do what I think I do best. Following them. I have no idea why... but I just follow.
Never thought myself to be a follower. I always wanted to lead. But I think the whole leader and follower thing is old. I just want to be in my own entity. Following Forestry but leading my own life. That is what i've learned.
(I just typed and typed until I found a clear conclusion. I didn't even realize that's what i've learned. Blogs are amazing. Sorry for the chatter.)
Now, Missy Higgins' concert last last night was probably one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I'll tell you why. There's not many girl singer songwriters that can actually play both guitar and piano and still sound like the cd. NO, note even like the cd... BETTER THAN THE CD. Her Recordings don't do her justice. I told the girls last night that missy should really think about cutting a live album. The arrangements of some songs are just wonderful. They honestly made me cry. some of them. Or at least I wanted to. She played old songs as well as new ones. One I haven't ever heard before. I think what really made good was her ability to just talk to the audience. She just becomes so honest with everyone and makes everyone laugh. I think that's a unique quality. If you're up on stage and you don't say anything I always think it's a boring show. Unless you're like sigur ros or something. But when an artist is able to take time between a song and say something witty, I think it shows something about their character and gives us the illusion that we're having a conversation with them--getting to know them better even.
So I am on a Missy high at the moment. I listened to her on the train ride to Oceanside and I'm going to listen to her a lot more in the das to come.
Oh, and I grabbed her set list! Nice long list of songs...
So, what else do I have to talk about? Oh yes, I remember...
Future of Forestry. They are on their Christmas tour right now and I heard it live for the first time last night. These guys continue to surprise me. Eric continues to surprise me. The Christmas set up is different from the rest of the year. Dave and Travis come and join the band with their trombones and guitars and vocals. It's really nice. Tj is trying his hand at drums and he's really super good. That guy is so talented... it's insane. Ben is there and E is too. So it's a 5 man band during Christmas. What I love about the Christmas tour is that there's this feeling of 'As long as the music is playing, Forestry just wants you to draw near.' Near to what? Anything your heart desires. I sat there listening to them yesterday and just thought to myself how far E has come and how good they all sound and why the heck God has really kept them around in my life. Then I got this nostalgic feeling. The kind of feeling I remember feeling when I was at hume and a lot of concerts after that. That little tug at my heart that said 'You're gonna know them.." or "Go get to know them..."
Sometimes I think this weird following Forestry around has got to end at some point. But I don't think it ever will. I mean, everything has an end, but music never dies. And I didn't get teased in high school for being obsessed with them just to find out that I was never going to know them in my future. I think we have moments every day that you find a person, a place, or thing that you have a connection with. I think most of the time we drop the connection, hang up the phone, and leave it behind never to remember it again. But sometimes, you find the connection and you have no idea why. But you follow it and it gets you somewhere you never thought you could end up. That's my relationship with Eric and Tam and everyone else I've known over the years. I'm greatful and I still have faith that all of this following them around everywhere isn't for nothing.
So i've been elected to follow them around with cameras and that's what i'm doing. I want to do what I think I do best. Following them. I have no idea why... but I just follow.
Never thought myself to be a follower. I always wanted to lead. But I think the whole leader and follower thing is old. I just want to be in my own entity. Following Forestry but leading my own life. That is what i've learned.
(I just typed and typed until I found a clear conclusion. I didn't even realize that's what i've learned. Blogs are amazing. Sorry for the chatter.)
12.15.2008
12.11.2008
We're Getting Personal Here...
A lot of people have been asking about my personal life lately. Personal as in... who am I dating. It happens to be a common theme around the holidays. I don't know. I guess people are curious.
To ease the curiosity, the answer is... NO. I'm not dating anyone right now. And if anyone asks that question again i'll direct them to this blog.
The reason why i'm not dating anyone is simple yet complex. Small yet complicated. Here we go...
1. No one wants the whole, complete Christina package. They might like part of me or maybe even just the thought of me but not ALL of me.
2. I don't think guys are all that interested in me. Well, that's what I think. If they are... they have a weird way of showing it.
3. I'm very bad at relationships. Never been good at them. Who is? I just seem to have it a little tougher than most. I suck at the whole forever right now thing. I don't really get it.
4. I'm not looking but I am looking. If I fall in love, I want it to be real. I don't want some wishy washy, dilly dally type of bullcrap. I want the REAL THING. I guess if I know that it's nothing much, I just brush it off. On the other hand, when I feel something weird I run away. Told you... I suck at relationships.
5. I think I see guys as more of my brothers rather than anything else. He may be waving a flag but i'm probably not seeing it.
6. I'm in love with John Mayer. At this point, anyone who doesn't live up to John Mayer just can't have me. I may not know him personally and may never meet him (I do have some common sense...) but, I love him. And so far, no one else compares.
So there are my dilemmas. Reasons why no one wants me, no one has me, and why I'm not in a relationship.
I see people who have been together for years and still aren't the right fit but are too afraid to be alone. I've seen too many divorces in my time. I've been through broken hearts from almost every guy i've been close to. I don't use these as excuses. I am stronger than that. I use them as a learning opportunity. I know what I want and what I don't. Of course, as Shakespeare said, "love is blind." I do become stupid when thrown amidst the misery and agony of love love love. But hey, what's the fun without the stupidity? I think it's the balance between falling and out of control. You can fall in love but you can't lose all control. You've gotta bare the bad and find the good.
For now i'll be the 3rd wheel. Even the 5th. Hell... i'll even be the 13th wheel. I'd endure all of those feelings of... "maybe I do want someone now" or "ALL BYYY MYYYSELF!!!" or " screw boys." I just want something real. Give me something REAL.
Is that too much to ask?
To ease the curiosity, the answer is... NO. I'm not dating anyone right now. And if anyone asks that question again i'll direct them to this blog.
The reason why i'm not dating anyone is simple yet complex. Small yet complicated. Here we go...
1. No one wants the whole, complete Christina package. They might like part of me or maybe even just the thought of me but not ALL of me.
2. I don't think guys are all that interested in me. Well, that's what I think. If they are... they have a weird way of showing it.
3. I'm very bad at relationships. Never been good at them. Who is? I just seem to have it a little tougher than most. I suck at the whole forever right now thing. I don't really get it.
4. I'm not looking but I am looking. If I fall in love, I want it to be real. I don't want some wishy washy, dilly dally type of bullcrap. I want the REAL THING. I guess if I know that it's nothing much, I just brush it off. On the other hand, when I feel something weird I run away. Told you... I suck at relationships.
5. I think I see guys as more of my brothers rather than anything else. He may be waving a flag but i'm probably not seeing it.
6. I'm in love with John Mayer. At this point, anyone who doesn't live up to John Mayer just can't have me. I may not know him personally and may never meet him (I do have some common sense...) but, I love him. And so far, no one else compares.
So there are my dilemmas. Reasons why no one wants me, no one has me, and why I'm not in a relationship.
I see people who have been together for years and still aren't the right fit but are too afraid to be alone. I've seen too many divorces in my time. I've been through broken hearts from almost every guy i've been close to. I don't use these as excuses. I am stronger than that. I use them as a learning opportunity. I know what I want and what I don't. Of course, as Shakespeare said, "love is blind." I do become stupid when thrown amidst the misery and agony of love love love. But hey, what's the fun without the stupidity? I think it's the balance between falling and out of control. You can fall in love but you can't lose all control. You've gotta bare the bad and find the good.
For now i'll be the 3rd wheel. Even the 5th. Hell... i'll even be the 13th wheel. I'd endure all of those feelings of... "maybe I do want someone now" or "ALL BYYY MYYYSELF!!!" or " screw boys." I just want something real. Give me something REAL.
Is that too much to ask?
12.10.2008
12.05.2008
The Process of Art Is A Process
I would like to say that my art speaks for itself but since I am still an artist that is growing and learning everyday, I think I should explain myself a little bit.
The video project below was my final project for my dance and visual media class. It had to be based off a poem and had to be less than 3 minutes (I went over by 18 seconds).
My original idea while I was shooting was completely different than the outcome.
Original Idea:
A boy finds a red piece of paper on the floor and looks up. In the distance is a dancer and she drops another piece of red paper. He walks over and in the distance another dancer and she drops... so on and so forth. My friends and I have 3 different styles of dancing. Sarah is the smooth, graceful, flowy one. Gusta is the queen of hips. And I... I just do what I feel like in the moment. In this video i'm kind of a mix of spazzy and smooth. I thought our way of dancing can express 3 different types of relationships this "guy" had been through. Basically it was like "i'm trying to find my one true love" type of thing...
Well, as you can tell, we never got a boy.
So all I had was nice scenery, 4 pieces of a broken heart while there were only 3 dancers, and about 5 minutes of dancing footage for each dancer.
When I sat down to edit, I couldn't. So I took a week and just pondered. I wish you could see my brain when it thinks about ways to polish poop. And that's what I felt like I did. I polished crap and made it into something bittesweet almost.
I wanted a folky acoustic song so I automatically thought ELIZABETHTOWN! and took nancy wilson's music and placed it right onto the screen and it just started to flow. Music is so important for my editing process. People don't edit with it but I NEED MY MUSIC. Music makes my videos what they are.
Editing is like choreography. I have to ask myself, "What do you want to see first?" or "What do you want to see next?" My mood at the time effects the editing too. I think I was pretty calm when I sat down to edit. It all happened so fast. 2 hours.
I thought of it as a puzzle. I scattered all the pieces and then by the end, you kind of get the big picture.
Some people think it's about friendship, some people think we're fighting over the same guy, some people thought we were all seperate stories until the end. It was nice to get people's ideas. Some people loved it. Some people didn't. But I'm glad people related to it.
I just like to think it's about love. Love and hope. Love is lost, love is regained. Love is broken but your heart can be put back together.
So there's that... my process.
With that being said, take a new perspective and watch my video. If you have already, watch it again.
The video project below was my final project for my dance and visual media class. It had to be based off a poem and had to be less than 3 minutes (I went over by 18 seconds).
My original idea while I was shooting was completely different than the outcome.
Original Idea:
A boy finds a red piece of paper on the floor and looks up. In the distance is a dancer and she drops another piece of red paper. He walks over and in the distance another dancer and she drops... so on and so forth. My friends and I have 3 different styles of dancing. Sarah is the smooth, graceful, flowy one. Gusta is the queen of hips. And I... I just do what I feel like in the moment. In this video i'm kind of a mix of spazzy and smooth. I thought our way of dancing can express 3 different types of relationships this "guy" had been through. Basically it was like "i'm trying to find my one true love" type of thing...
Well, as you can tell, we never got a boy.
So all I had was nice scenery, 4 pieces of a broken heart while there were only 3 dancers, and about 5 minutes of dancing footage for each dancer.
When I sat down to edit, I couldn't. So I took a week and just pondered. I wish you could see my brain when it thinks about ways to polish poop. And that's what I felt like I did. I polished crap and made it into something bittesweet almost.
I wanted a folky acoustic song so I automatically thought ELIZABETHTOWN! and took nancy wilson's music and placed it right onto the screen and it just started to flow. Music is so important for my editing process. People don't edit with it but I NEED MY MUSIC. Music makes my videos what they are.
Editing is like choreography. I have to ask myself, "What do you want to see first?" or "What do you want to see next?" My mood at the time effects the editing too. I think I was pretty calm when I sat down to edit. It all happened so fast. 2 hours.
I thought of it as a puzzle. I scattered all the pieces and then by the end, you kind of get the big picture.
Some people think it's about friendship, some people think we're fighting over the same guy, some people thought we were all seperate stories until the end. It was nice to get people's ideas. Some people loved it. Some people didn't. But I'm glad people related to it.
I just like to think it's about love. Love and hope. Love is lost, love is regained. Love is broken but your heart can be put back together.
So there's that... my process.
With that being said, take a new perspective and watch my video. If you have already, watch it again.
12.04.2008
12.02.2008
Skinny Jeans Vs. Heavy Doors
Muscle is 18% more dense than fat.
I realized how much muscle I really do have on my body. I've always compared my body to those skinny girls here in SD who can wear cute things, tight pants, and bikinis and look well... "good" I guess. But lately I've been finding that I am mostly muscle. I mean, I do have fat I'd like to get rid of but I can kick any of those girls' butts. Not that I want to.
I go to a yoga class and the girls can't keep up. They have to cut corners and cheat. But I get the full workout from a few sun salutations. Sure, I wear a size 8... but when you hear a girl say..."This door is heavy..." You start to think... dang... i'm pretty buff for a girl!
Bike rides, dance classes, yoga, and eating healthy.
I promise to keep this my lifestyle from this point on.
(But I will endulge in some chocolate every now and then...and i'll only allow myself one cup of coffee everyday... I say that very loosely...)
I realized how much muscle I really do have on my body. I've always compared my body to those skinny girls here in SD who can wear cute things, tight pants, and bikinis and look well... "good" I guess. But lately I've been finding that I am mostly muscle. I mean, I do have fat I'd like to get rid of but I can kick any of those girls' butts. Not that I want to.
I go to a yoga class and the girls can't keep up. They have to cut corners and cheat. But I get the full workout from a few sun salutations. Sure, I wear a size 8... but when you hear a girl say..."This door is heavy..." You start to think... dang... i'm pretty buff for a girl!
Bike rides, dance classes, yoga, and eating healthy.
I promise to keep this my lifestyle from this point on.
(But I will endulge in some chocolate every now and then...and i'll only allow myself one cup of coffee everyday... I say that very loosely...)
12.01.2008
The Rage In Placid Lake...among other things...
Oh finals. I am sinking into my stress everyday. Tests, exams, finals, oral assessments, and papers. It NEVER ENDS. But as I lay here for a second trying to calm my dancing head, I imagine myself in... well let's see...1...4...7......TEN DAYS! (as I start singing the missy higgins song appropriately titled 10 days...)
I will spend days upon days watching unbearably amazing movies. So many movies to choose from. I haven't seen Chocolat in a while or Eternal Sunshine. I would love to finally see Notes on a Scandal. I'm getting I'm Not There by way of netflix tomorrow but I won't probably get around to it until sometime next week. Bummer eh? My obsession with movies is like boys and computer games. SERIOUSLY. It's gotten that bad.
But the point of this blog is that I watched an amazing movie yesterday. It wasn't anything special. Actually, it was kinda plain. It was called The Rage in Placid Lake starring musician Ben Lee. He was actually REALLY REALLY good. Probably cause I thought he was gonna suck...musicians usually do. His then girlfriend claire danes makes an appearance. It's an aussie flick. I really liked it. I recommend it. I think what appealed to me the most were the characters and their personal journeys. The funny things is, they never went anywhere. They stayed in their home town but learned so much. Funny how that works out eh? It's kind of like when you look back on your old journals and you come across this really profound entry and you just say "I wrote that?!" That's what the movie felt like. Like an old profound journal entry from your past. I think it's ability to surprise me was appealing also. Guh. Just watch it. If you have a pc, it's free on netflix instawatch.
So besides that... the rest of my break will be getting to know my tallulah martin a little better. Playing her and admiring her sound. I'll be sleeping. Very important. Listening to as much John Mayer as I can. If you haven't heard his newest live cd Where The Light Is, you're missing out. I will be enjoying the quite house. Going on bike rides for fun because going ont hem when you have to is not fun. I'll be making funny videos, smelling flowers, cooking, baking, and dancing in my room. Oh, and catching up on all my favorite Disney shows... Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place. OH! and sending in a video to the Ben Lee music video contest!
LOVE LOVE.
I will spend days upon days watching unbearably amazing movies. So many movies to choose from. I haven't seen Chocolat in a while or Eternal Sunshine. I would love to finally see Notes on a Scandal. I'm getting I'm Not There by way of netflix tomorrow but I won't probably get around to it until sometime next week. Bummer eh? My obsession with movies is like boys and computer games. SERIOUSLY. It's gotten that bad.
But the point of this blog is that I watched an amazing movie yesterday. It wasn't anything special. Actually, it was kinda plain. It was called The Rage in Placid Lake starring musician Ben Lee. He was actually REALLY REALLY good. Probably cause I thought he was gonna suck...musicians usually do. His then girlfriend claire danes makes an appearance. It's an aussie flick. I really liked it. I recommend it. I think what appealed to me the most were the characters and their personal journeys. The funny things is, they never went anywhere. They stayed in their home town but learned so much. Funny how that works out eh? It's kind of like when you look back on your old journals and you come across this really profound entry and you just say "I wrote that?!" That's what the movie felt like. Like an old profound journal entry from your past. I think it's ability to surprise me was appealing also. Guh. Just watch it. If you have a pc, it's free on netflix instawatch.
So besides that... the rest of my break will be getting to know my tallulah martin a little better. Playing her and admiring her sound. I'll be sleeping. Very important. Listening to as much John Mayer as I can. If you haven't heard his newest live cd Where The Light Is, you're missing out. I will be enjoying the quite house. Going on bike rides for fun because going ont hem when you have to is not fun. I'll be making funny videos, smelling flowers, cooking, baking, and dancing in my room. Oh, and catching up on all my favorite Disney shows... Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place. OH! and sending in a video to the Ben Lee music video contest!
LOVE LOVE.
11.28.2008
11.16.2008
My Country Music Affair
I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC!
Ever since my freshman year in college, laying in my bed with mono and strep throat, wanting my momma, and thinking my life has come to its end... I flip the channels and find Keith Urban. I will never forget that day. 'Better Life' was blaring out my tv and I had no idea country music sounded so AMAZING. Or looked so amazing, I mean, look at the man-- he's really easy on the eyes! Plus, the lyrics were lifting my spirits.
"Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones and good lucks gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones so hold on, we're heading for a better life."
I don't think the channel changed from channel 72 CMT for months.
Now, I go in and out of my music phases. I love mostly singer/songwriter music among other genres. I usually have a musical conversation with John Mayer (the love of my life), Rachael Yamagata, Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Coldplay, Deathcab, some Chris Brown, and Sara Bareilles and Colbie Caillat. But similar to a lot of other things in life, you leave something alone for awhile and when you experience it again, it's like its the first time. Kind of like relationships or first kisses. I'm in that stage with country music--the first kiss stage.
See, i'm not one of those southern california country wannabes. In some ways I am. I will never be a country girl. I guess i'm a city girl through and through. But I don't and I never will wear cowboy boots and a cowboy hat with a mini skirt and tie my shirt up to show my belly button. Then show up to a concert only knowing the songs they play 24/7 on the radio. I know my country music. I know the oldies... kris, willie, johnny, merle, waylon, george and all 3 hanks. I mean... I am dedicated to studying the history of a genre I have fallen deeply in love with. I listen to both country stations here in the San Diego. 95.7 & 92.1 but I rather listen to my grandpa willie cd's. Yes, I wish Willie Nelson was my grandpa. He was so handsome when he was younger. There's something about a man who still smokes pot at his age that intrigues me.
Country music feels like home. It makes me feel like I should be in front of a fire place, sipping hot cocoa, with blankets and pillows all over the floor and a guitar sitting next to me. It just feels so good to belt out your favorite hits. Not hard to learn on the guitar. And when you go to piano bars you know that "I've Got Friends In Low Places" is gonna be played. I love singing along to that song... and I see faces of people who don't know it and I feel so bad for them. Kind of like how I don't know all the songs to Bohemian Rhapsody... I kind of just make up sounds that sound sort of accurate.
Kenny Chesney just came on my Country Station on pandora. Now he makes me feel like I should be at "Some Beach, Somewhere" haha....
Ever since my freshman year in college, laying in my bed with mono and strep throat, wanting my momma, and thinking my life has come to its end... I flip the channels and find Keith Urban. I will never forget that day. 'Better Life' was blaring out my tv and I had no idea country music sounded so AMAZING. Or looked so amazing, I mean, look at the man-- he's really easy on the eyes! Plus, the lyrics were lifting my spirits.
"Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones and good lucks gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones so hold on, we're heading for a better life."
I don't think the channel changed from channel 72 CMT for months.
Now, I go in and out of my music phases. I love mostly singer/songwriter music among other genres. I usually have a musical conversation with John Mayer (the love of my life), Rachael Yamagata, Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Coldplay, Deathcab, some Chris Brown, and Sara Bareilles and Colbie Caillat. But similar to a lot of other things in life, you leave something alone for awhile and when you experience it again, it's like its the first time. Kind of like relationships or first kisses. I'm in that stage with country music--the first kiss stage.
See, i'm not one of those southern california country wannabes. In some ways I am. I will never be a country girl. I guess i'm a city girl through and through. But I don't and I never will wear cowboy boots and a cowboy hat with a mini skirt and tie my shirt up to show my belly button. Then show up to a concert only knowing the songs they play 24/7 on the radio. I know my country music. I know the oldies... kris, willie, johnny, merle, waylon, george and all 3 hanks. I mean... I am dedicated to studying the history of a genre I have fallen deeply in love with. I listen to both country stations here in the San Diego. 95.7 & 92.1 but I rather listen to my grandpa willie cd's. Yes, I wish Willie Nelson was my grandpa. He was so handsome when he was younger. There's something about a man who still smokes pot at his age that intrigues me.
Country music feels like home. It makes me feel like I should be in front of a fire place, sipping hot cocoa, with blankets and pillows all over the floor and a guitar sitting next to me. It just feels so good to belt out your favorite hits. Not hard to learn on the guitar. And when you go to piano bars you know that "I've Got Friends In Low Places" is gonna be played. I love singing along to that song... and I see faces of people who don't know it and I feel so bad for them. Kind of like how I don't know all the songs to Bohemian Rhapsody... I kind of just make up sounds that sound sort of accurate.
Kenny Chesney just came on my Country Station on pandora. Now he makes me feel like I should be at "Some Beach, Somewhere" haha....
11.15.2008
Puzzle Pieces
I just participated in a week long solo performance workshop. I had a chance to write and perform my own 3 minute monologue. The piece was inspired by the truth inside of me.
"When my mom left my dad she bought me a jigsaw puzzle. This was no ordinary puzzle for a 6 year old. No 50 piece Disney characters or barn yard animals. It was a 750 piece Wyland jigsaw puzzle entitled “
I WAS THAT PUZZLE.
All the pieces were there. I just had to sit down and figure them out. No matter the situation, no matter how scattered life may be, no matter how shattered life may seem—it’s how you pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together… that’s what matters. "
11.03.2008
Escapist
I'm an escapist. I love that I am. I feel like there aren't many out there. But I don't like being one sometimes. There are realists who live day to day in their reality. I'm not sure how they do. They must think a lot with their heads. Not me! Nosiree. I'm a HEART kind of girl. The only thing bad about being a escapist is that the trip back to reality isn't smooth. It's more like a car crash.
I have an itch to leave and a yen for travel.
It's a beautifully tragic combination.
So right now, I'm kind of bandaged up, twiddling my fingers, tapping my toes, trying to be patient. I'm having a hard time sitting still. I want to beg God and ask him "WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TURN?!" but I keep my mouth shut. But inside, all I want is a one way ticket to somewhere i've never been.
If I don't feel something change soon, i'm not sure how i'm going to survive.
I have an itch to leave and a yen for travel.
It's a beautifully tragic combination.
So right now, I'm kind of bandaged up, twiddling my fingers, tapping my toes, trying to be patient. I'm having a hard time sitting still. I want to beg God and ask him "WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TURN?!" but I keep my mouth shut. But inside, all I want is a one way ticket to somewhere i've never been.
If I don't feel something change soon, i'm not sure how i'm going to survive.
11.02.2008
Multimedia message
11.01.2008
10.24.2008
10.20.2008
Shades of Gray...
Alright, there is something just pulling at my heart and I'm not sure how this blog is going to turn out. All I know is that whatever I type here on out is what i'm feeling.
Last night (the picture below) was a chill night. I was hanging out with the band (www.myspace.com/futureofforestry) at a gig for a church in North Park. The church's motto was "Christianity for All." Now, North Park and Hillcrest are areas here in San Diego that are openly open to homosexuality. The pastor of the church was gay. There were men raising their hands while holding each others hands. There was a man dressed as a woman. But they were all there worshipping God and saying "AMEN!" and "Preach it!" Completely enthusiastic about believing in God without anyone making them feel unwanted. The Pastor's message was how God loves you no matter what. God is love and Christianity is about everyone together not just one person.
Do you see where this is going?
There's a weird line between religion and homosexuality.
I hate sides. I don't consider myself an extremely religious person. I consider myself a believer of truth. I feel like that the church we were at last night was a support for those who have felt unwanted, who have felt eyes staring down at them and have gotten the cold shoulder countless times. All they want is to know love--to feel love. If being homosexual has brought them to that church and closer to God then I'm not sure why people have to be so judgemental.
I understand that the argument against my apporach is that in the bible it says that it's wrong. That living a lifestyle like the men and women that we met yesterday is not right in the eyes of God. I get it. But who gives people the right to say that they are wrong and point fingers? I mean... what did you do wrong today? Have you sinned today? Cause I know I have. What makes you so righteous to make people feel like crap and tell them that they are sinners? Is that really the way God would want us to react to homosexuality? Or to any sin in general? Is what you're saying out of love?
Maybe I'm just completely and insanely empathetic. Maybe I was a gay man in another life. I don't know. I don't know a lot about everything. But I know that God isn't standing in all of his glory and saying to all the homosexuals that they are sinners and they are going to hell. I think he's standing there saying "hey, you're mine. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul." If I didn't think God was capable of love than I wouldn't believe in Him. The only reason I write from the standpoint of a believer is because I know that God loves me. No matter who I am, what I do, what I say, or who I support, He made me and I have felt his love.
So when people say "DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON? HOW THOSE TWO MEN WERE HOLDING HANDS IN CHURCH?" yes, i'm gonna get a little peeved. I honestly didn't think i'd get so worked up about it but I feel extremely emotional about this topic.
The thing is... the homosexual lifestyle is becoming part of our culture now. So as much as people want to say it's sin and it's wrong... it's there. It's there and you're gonna have to accept it or look like a hypocrite. Too bad this world couldn't live harmoniously.
Am I allowed to hate hate? If I hate hate, then hate still exists. It's a vicious circle.
Palin wants to convert all homosexuals into God loving individuals. What if they already love God?
My best friend is openly gay. Does that mean God loves her less?
I just can't get my mind around the whole situation. I feel like it shouldn't be so complicated. Is it really just black and white? Or can we just create nice shades of grey?
I'd cry if I weren't at work.
And writing this blog isn't my way of saying how much I dislike a person or a person's opinions. I love all the musicians in Forestry. If anything, I wish issues such as this wouldn't tear them apart. I wish they could set things like this aside and believe in their music. And know tha their music brings people together for God. No matter who those people are... they are coming together though music for God. Isn't that enough? It's enough. I know it's enough.
Last night (the picture below) was a chill night. I was hanging out with the band (www.myspace.com/futureofforestry) at a gig for a church in North Park. The church's motto was "Christianity for All." Now, North Park and Hillcrest are areas here in San Diego that are openly open to homosexuality. The pastor of the church was gay. There were men raising their hands while holding each others hands. There was a man dressed as a woman. But they were all there worshipping God and saying "AMEN!" and "Preach it!" Completely enthusiastic about believing in God without anyone making them feel unwanted. The Pastor's message was how God loves you no matter what. God is love and Christianity is about everyone together not just one person.
Do you see where this is going?
There's a weird line between religion and homosexuality.
I hate sides. I don't consider myself an extremely religious person. I consider myself a believer of truth. I feel like that the church we were at last night was a support for those who have felt unwanted, who have felt eyes staring down at them and have gotten the cold shoulder countless times. All they want is to know love--to feel love. If being homosexual has brought them to that church and closer to God then I'm not sure why people have to be so judgemental.
I understand that the argument against my apporach is that in the bible it says that it's wrong. That living a lifestyle like the men and women that we met yesterday is not right in the eyes of God. I get it. But who gives people the right to say that they are wrong and point fingers? I mean... what did you do wrong today? Have you sinned today? Cause I know I have. What makes you so righteous to make people feel like crap and tell them that they are sinners? Is that really the way God would want us to react to homosexuality? Or to any sin in general? Is what you're saying out of love?
Maybe I'm just completely and insanely empathetic. Maybe I was a gay man in another life. I don't know. I don't know a lot about everything. But I know that God isn't standing in all of his glory and saying to all the homosexuals that they are sinners and they are going to hell. I think he's standing there saying "hey, you're mine. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul." If I didn't think God was capable of love than I wouldn't believe in Him. The only reason I write from the standpoint of a believer is because I know that God loves me. No matter who I am, what I do, what I say, or who I support, He made me and I have felt his love.
So when people say "DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON? HOW THOSE TWO MEN WERE HOLDING HANDS IN CHURCH?" yes, i'm gonna get a little peeved. I honestly didn't think i'd get so worked up about it but I feel extremely emotional about this topic.
The thing is... the homosexual lifestyle is becoming part of our culture now. So as much as people want to say it's sin and it's wrong... it's there. It's there and you're gonna have to accept it or look like a hypocrite. Too bad this world couldn't live harmoniously.
Am I allowed to hate hate? If I hate hate, then hate still exists. It's a vicious circle.
Palin wants to convert all homosexuals into God loving individuals. What if they already love God?
My best friend is openly gay. Does that mean God loves her less?
I just can't get my mind around the whole situation. I feel like it shouldn't be so complicated. Is it really just black and white? Or can we just create nice shades of grey?
I'd cry if I weren't at work.
And writing this blog isn't my way of saying how much I dislike a person or a person's opinions. I love all the musicians in Forestry. If anything, I wish issues such as this wouldn't tear them apart. I wish they could set things like this aside and believe in their music. And know tha their music brings people together for God. No matter who those people are... they are coming together though music for God. Isn't that enough? It's enough. I know it's enough.
10.19.2008
10.14.2008
Movies Are Real
There are different reasons I like a movie. I like some movies because it feels like it's complete. Everything from cinematography to the script to the costumes is in its entirety. Chocolat is my favorite movie EVER. Everything was so well done. I LOVE that movie.
Now, there are other movies that I love not because of its artfulness necessarily. I think it may be more of a sentimental attachment.
I've been realizing that whenever I watch the movie, I place myself in it's world. I really start to feel what the person is feeling and react to what they are saying or doing. My roommates make fun of me cause I talk to the characters. I don't mean to. It just sort of happens. I yell at them and clap and laugh with them and I start observing every detail. It's probably why I can't watch a good movie only once. I have to watch it twice or more.
A movie that has a sentimental attachment to me is a movie that I can relate to. Even if I have never felt it, I feel like I can relate. Empathize. Sometimes, I want to be more like a character. It's the beauty of acting isn't it? Being someone who you wish you could be. Even if that person is evil. When else can you be evil and hateful? I'm not a hater in reality.
I love the movie Mona Lisa Smile. Julia Roberts had her Romantic Comedy reign and then she started portraying real women who once existed (Erin Brockavich, Mona Lisa Smile, Charlie Wilson's War). Autobiographies. The movie isn't really anything spectacular. It's simple. Historical. A period piece but slightly more modern than most. But Katherine Watson made a big difference. Katherine Watson is someone who everyone should model their lives after. Or at least a little bit.
"To Change for others is to lie to yourself."
"Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image."
"Look beyond the paint. Let us try to open our minds to a new idea."
The person who was Katherine Watson, who Julia Roberts only imagined and tried to portray, is the only reason I love Mona Lisa Smile.
I once heard a woman in a video rental store say, "I don't want to watch real life in movies. I watch movies to escape real life."
I love her enthusiasm about movies but I realize now that I disagree. Everything that I see in movies has never EVER happened to me personally. Maybe I can relate to feeling like happiness, betrayal, sadness, anger, love--but I think movies always take us into some other realm of our lives that we will or never will experience. If you don't like real life endings, which are usually sad... than well, that's understandable. It's just a choice of preference.
I think it's a choice to let go and escape into the movie. To open your mind and wander. It's fun to escape once in a while. Or in my case... EVERY DAY.
Now, there are other movies that I love not because of its artfulness necessarily. I think it may be more of a sentimental attachment.
I've been realizing that whenever I watch the movie, I place myself in it's world. I really start to feel what the person is feeling and react to what they are saying or doing. My roommates make fun of me cause I talk to the characters. I don't mean to. It just sort of happens. I yell at them and clap and laugh with them and I start observing every detail. It's probably why I can't watch a good movie only once. I have to watch it twice or more.
A movie that has a sentimental attachment to me is a movie that I can relate to. Even if I have never felt it, I feel like I can relate. Empathize. Sometimes, I want to be more like a character. It's the beauty of acting isn't it? Being someone who you wish you could be. Even if that person is evil. When else can you be evil and hateful? I'm not a hater in reality.
I love the movie Mona Lisa Smile. Julia Roberts had her Romantic Comedy reign and then she started portraying real women who once existed (Erin Brockavich, Mona Lisa Smile, Charlie Wilson's War). Autobiographies. The movie isn't really anything spectacular. It's simple. Historical. A period piece but slightly more modern than most. But Katherine Watson made a big difference. Katherine Watson is someone who everyone should model their lives after. Or at least a little bit.
"To Change for others is to lie to yourself."
"Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image."
"Look beyond the paint. Let us try to open our minds to a new idea."
The person who was Katherine Watson, who Julia Roberts only imagined and tried to portray, is the only reason I love Mona Lisa Smile.
I once heard a woman in a video rental store say, "I don't want to watch real life in movies. I watch movies to escape real life."
I love her enthusiasm about movies but I realize now that I disagree. Everything that I see in movies has never EVER happened to me personally. Maybe I can relate to feeling like happiness, betrayal, sadness, anger, love--but I think movies always take us into some other realm of our lives that we will or never will experience. If you don't like real life endings, which are usually sad... than well, that's understandable. It's just a choice of preference.
I think it's a choice to let go and escape into the movie. To open your mind and wander. It's fun to escape once in a while. Or in my case... EVERY DAY.
10.10.2008
10.09.2008
Wheels and Stalkers.
You know what I would love to do? I would love to just follow someone with a camera. Capture their interactions. Capture their gestures. Find their quirks, things they do when they're nervous, happy, sad. I want to know what they do habitually and what they do in order to pass the time.
Kinda sounds stalkerish. I know. But how cool would that be? Admit it. It'd be pretty cool.
For my last semester at school I have to do a capstone and I've been thinking about what I want to do. A capstone is a final project within your field of study that you must perform or show depending what your major is.
This may sound weird, but I want someone to follow me back to LA. Getting on trains, meeting with old friends, visiting places that I've been to. I want to show things coming full circle. Wheels. It's the wheel of life. Hello's, Goodbye's. New friends, old friends. Leaving, staying. Things in life just keep going. "The circle of life." It's like a wheel. Time keeps moving but with every turn, you've got something ending, something beginning, something happening. Even in relationships. You won't be the last to love him/her. They'll find someone new and someone will love just as hard as you did.
I have no idea when I'm gonna finish school. I'm hoping soon. But with the end of college begins something completely unknown.
In my head, I see this huge, long, vast blank canvas. It looks like it goes on for forever. And there's this wheel. And it's a pretty big wheel. As it rolls over the blank canvas, it leaves it marks. Loves lost, fights won, marks of joy, anger, intensity. But until that wheel makes its mark, I really don't know what's coming next.
Wheels. I've just been stuck on wheels lately. Wheels and Life. Same Difference.
Along with that thought, I've been looking over some older journal entries of mine and I found something sort of pertaining to the vastness of my life that I have not yet accomplished. So I leave you today with this.
"I live for something more than this life that i'm living.
Just like looking out where the ocean meets the horizon.
It's vast.
And ongoing.
But I believe I can touch every part of that vastness.
If only I try.
And do.
Do what I can.
Do EVERYTHING that I can.
Anything is possible.
Even touching every part of my vast, vast life is possible.
And pictures that I see inside my mind are pictures that can one day be framed.
Placed on the walls inside my soul."
Kinda sounds stalkerish. I know. But how cool would that be? Admit it. It'd be pretty cool.
For my last semester at school I have to do a capstone and I've been thinking about what I want to do. A capstone is a final project within your field of study that you must perform or show depending what your major is.
This may sound weird, but I want someone to follow me back to LA. Getting on trains, meeting with old friends, visiting places that I've been to. I want to show things coming full circle. Wheels. It's the wheel of life. Hello's, Goodbye's. New friends, old friends. Leaving, staying. Things in life just keep going. "The circle of life." It's like a wheel. Time keeps moving but with every turn, you've got something ending, something beginning, something happening. Even in relationships. You won't be the last to love him/her. They'll find someone new and someone will love just as hard as you did.
I have no idea when I'm gonna finish school. I'm hoping soon. But with the end of college begins something completely unknown.
In my head, I see this huge, long, vast blank canvas. It looks like it goes on for forever. And there's this wheel. And it's a pretty big wheel. As it rolls over the blank canvas, it leaves it marks. Loves lost, fights won, marks of joy, anger, intensity. But until that wheel makes its mark, I really don't know what's coming next.
Wheels. I've just been stuck on wheels lately. Wheels and Life. Same Difference.
Along with that thought, I've been looking over some older journal entries of mine and I found something sort of pertaining to the vastness of my life that I have not yet accomplished. So I leave you today with this.
"I live for something more than this life that i'm living.
Just like looking out where the ocean meets the horizon.
It's vast.
And ongoing.
But I believe I can touch every part of that vastness.
If only I try.
And do.
Do what I can.
Do EVERYTHING that I can.
Anything is possible.
Even touching every part of my vast, vast life is possible.
And pictures that I see inside my mind are pictures that can one day be framed.
Placed on the walls inside my soul."
10.06.2008
Two Ways
This is my mood study. The assignment: Pick a mood, any mood. Portray that mood through dance, video, and editing.
There's actually a lot that has to go through your mind. What time of day, location, costumes, choreography, props...yadayadayada.
So my mood is anger. To go further I thought stubbornness and frustration and lines being crossed. I saw the two arrows going different directions and I thought PERFECT! And then came the pulling and all the other stuff you see is basically improv.
Enjoy.
PS: I'm not really violent. But when else can you protray someone other than yourself?
There's actually a lot that has to go through your mind. What time of day, location, costumes, choreography, props...yadayadayada.
So my mood is anger. To go further I thought stubbornness and frustration and lines being crossed. I saw the two arrows going different directions and I thought PERFECT! And then came the pulling and all the other stuff you see is basically improv.
Enjoy.
PS: I'm not really violent. But when else can you protray someone other than yourself?
9.19.2008
A Bad Day. Really.
A woman who lives with chronic pain said to my mom the other day, "You can't sit around and wait for the storm to be over. You've got to learn how to dance in the rain." That's a perfect description of living with depression, or any chronic illness.
-Therese J. Borchard
I love that.
Yesterday, the universe took a huge piss on me. Huge. I realized that I try so hard to help people, or do things for people, and I don't really have to try. I actually LIKE doing it. I like getting cakes and cards for people's birthday. I like helping people who ask me questions about dance. I like helping someone up. All of which I did yesterday. But the world took no consideration on my sensitive heart.
By midday, my only thought was f*ck. I was trying not to cry. Really trying hard. Then I realized people suck. And then I spend time alone in a piano room banging keys and balling. And then you go home and roommate just makes you feel a lot better.
I felt so selfish yesterday. It was like I didn't want people to pity me cause I was having a bad day. I mean after all, there are starving children in the Sudan. So I tried to hide the anxiety and all the emotions running around in my insides but then it builds and builds and builds to the point that there's nowhere for it to go except to just explode out of you. And that's what it did.
So it rained on me yesterday. But thankfully I love to dance.
I tried my hardest, universe. I tried.
-Therese J. Borchard
I love that.
Yesterday, the universe took a huge piss on me. Huge. I realized that I try so hard to help people, or do things for people, and I don't really have to try. I actually LIKE doing it. I like getting cakes and cards for people's birthday. I like helping people who ask me questions about dance. I like helping someone up. All of which I did yesterday. But the world took no consideration on my sensitive heart.
By midday, my only thought was f*ck. I was trying not to cry. Really trying hard. Then I realized people suck. And then I spend time alone in a piano room banging keys and balling. And then you go home and roommate just makes you feel a lot better.
I felt so selfish yesterday. It was like I didn't want people to pity me cause I was having a bad day. I mean after all, there are starving children in the Sudan. So I tried to hide the anxiety and all the emotions running around in my insides but then it builds and builds and builds to the point that there's nowhere for it to go except to just explode out of you. And that's what it did.
So it rained on me yesterday. But thankfully I love to dance.
I tried my hardest, universe. I tried.
9.17.2008
Unselfish USED
Dear Baby,
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it.
-excerpt from the movie Waitress
Someone once told me that 2 people in love are 2 people who USE each other. It hurt to hear that. Me being the inexperienced and he being the experienced, it turned me away from him. I see where he was coming from, though. It makes sense. You use each other for affection, for a 20 minute hug, a kiss, for a shoulder to lean on, for a pillow to yell into, for a ear to hear you out. I get it. But to USE someone is so selfish-- so self-serving, narrow, asocial, or any other synonym for selfish. That's where he went wrong. Love--true love--should be unselfish right? It should be a two-way street rather than some small one way downtown. And if that isn't so, then it's not love. It can't be.
You can't compare feeling USED to feeling LOVED. Love wins every time.
I guess I've just had this on my heart for a while. Kinda came out when I watched Waitress last night.
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it.
-excerpt from the movie Waitress
Someone once told me that 2 people in love are 2 people who USE each other. It hurt to hear that. Me being the inexperienced and he being the experienced, it turned me away from him. I see where he was coming from, though. It makes sense. You use each other for affection, for a 20 minute hug, a kiss, for a shoulder to lean on, for a pillow to yell into, for a ear to hear you out. I get it. But to USE someone is so selfish-- so self-serving, narrow, asocial, or any other synonym for selfish. That's where he went wrong. Love--true love--should be unselfish right? It should be a two-way street rather than some small one way downtown. And if that isn't so, then it's not love. It can't be.
You can't compare feeling USED to feeling LOVED. Love wins every time.
I guess I've just had this on my heart for a while. Kinda came out when I watched Waitress last night.
9.16.2008
9.13.2008
Must See!
These are the concerts I would love to go to in the upcoming months:
Sept. 25th- My Morning Jacket
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 3rd- The Swell Season, Iron & Wine
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 28th- Matt Nathanson and Jessie Baylin
House of Blues (21+) (and i'll be 21 by then!)
Oct 31st- Jason Mraz
SDSU Open Air Theater
SDSU has some awesome show this time around.
There's a show at the Belly Up with Joshua Radin ( Zack Braff's best friend) and MISSY HIGGINS! but I can't go. Have a required performance to go to. Bleh.
I made be awkwardly handicap in the mobility department but I really really really want to go to The Swell Season at least! C'mon Once fans! Let's unite!
Sept. 25th- My Morning Jacket
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 3rd- The Swell Season, Iron & Wine
SDSU Open Air Theater
Oct 28th- Matt Nathanson and Jessie Baylin
House of Blues (21+) (and i'll be 21 by then!)
Oct 31st- Jason Mraz
SDSU Open Air Theater
SDSU has some awesome show this time around.
There's a show at the Belly Up with Joshua Radin ( Zack Braff's best friend) and MISSY HIGGINS! but I can't go. Have a required performance to go to. Bleh.
I made be awkwardly handicap in the mobility department but I really really really want to go to The Swell Season at least! C'mon Once fans! Let's unite!
9.12.2008
Never Not Myself
Would you want me when i'm not myself?...
When i'm someone else?
I was thinking about relationships the other day. Real relationships.
When you meet someone and you get along but you basically have almost nothing in common, is it okay to change? For some odd reason, I don't feel comfortable with that. I love a relationship where you can learn new things from each other mutually. I just have a problem of listening to comments like "you should do this and you should do that." I guess it basically comes down to yes, I would love to do that... I always wanted to... but don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.
I was watching Penelope the other day. It's a great movie. I loved it. It had many different themes and such subtle touches of social satire that you couldn't help but relate to it. In Penelope's case, she just had to realize that she liked herself the way she was in order to break a curse. Her personal life and thoughts weren't in the way she looked. She had to take a deeper look inside her heart to realize that that's where her personal feeling, thoughts, and life dwelled. I think a better analogy is in the life of a celebrity. They are haunted by paps and you see what they are doing on magazine covers and who they are dating. But is that REALLY their personal life? I don't think it is. I don't know who Julia Roberts is or who Brad Pitt is. I don't know their thoughts or what their heart pursues. That's their personal life.
I think that's what happens when you first meet someone. You know that you get along but you really don't have any idea of what they do or what they think. And all you have are impressions.
So... I guess what i'm saying is that I like myself the way I am. And I have no problems of learning new things. But I don't want to become a different person just for someone to like me. I think I come with a fair share of warning labels... but I do come with a bunch of surprises too. I just never want to change because of someone. I want to change because I see the changes I need to make in myself. I want to be one of those people on the street that is basically another plain jane but you can tell that she's sure of herself.
I'm a far ways off from that. I've yet to start my life. I just wanted to get that stright.
I'm not changing for anyone. I'll change on my own time.
When i'm someone else?
I was thinking about relationships the other day. Real relationships.
When you meet someone and you get along but you basically have almost nothing in common, is it okay to change? For some odd reason, I don't feel comfortable with that. I love a relationship where you can learn new things from each other mutually. I just have a problem of listening to comments like "you should do this and you should do that." I guess it basically comes down to yes, I would love to do that... I always wanted to... but don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.
I was watching Penelope the other day. It's a great movie. I loved it. It had many different themes and such subtle touches of social satire that you couldn't help but relate to it. In Penelope's case, she just had to realize that she liked herself the way she was in order to break a curse. Her personal life and thoughts weren't in the way she looked. She had to take a deeper look inside her heart to realize that that's where her personal feeling, thoughts, and life dwelled. I think a better analogy is in the life of a celebrity. They are haunted by paps and you see what they are doing on magazine covers and who they are dating. But is that REALLY their personal life? I don't think it is. I don't know who Julia Roberts is or who Brad Pitt is. I don't know their thoughts or what their heart pursues. That's their personal life.
I think that's what happens when you first meet someone. You know that you get along but you really don't have any idea of what they do or what they think. And all you have are impressions.
So... I guess what i'm saying is that I like myself the way I am. And I have no problems of learning new things. But I don't want to become a different person just for someone to like me. I think I come with a fair share of warning labels... but I do come with a bunch of surprises too. I just never want to change because of someone. I want to change because I see the changes I need to make in myself. I want to be one of those people on the street that is basically another plain jane but you can tell that she's sure of herself.
I'm a far ways off from that. I've yet to start my life. I just wanted to get that stright.
I'm not changing for anyone. I'll change on my own time.
9.11.2008
All I Wanna Do Is Walk
You remember that scene in Forest Gump when his mom dies and then Jenny leaves him and he just keeps running from one side of the US of A to the other? Do you remember? I remember. I know how he feels.
Today is one of those days where I wouldn't necessarily run but if you pointed me in one direction I think I could keep walking and walking and walking.
Last night I felt the anxiety creeping up on me. It's not like this day is difficult. I think it's more of a mixture of things. Sleeplessness, perfectionism, stress... on top of other things... just makes my heart cringe and my head hurt.
And I know what the majority consensus is: you'llsurviveit'sjustaflukeyou'llbefinejustremembertobreathe.
I would like for one person to just say... "let's go take a walk."
But instead, it's 8:30 in the morning. I feel like i'm gonna cry. And all I want to do is walk. I don't want to do anything but take a really really long walk.
yeah yeah... i know...
Today is one of those days where I wouldn't necessarily run but if you pointed me in one direction I think I could keep walking and walking and walking.
Last night I felt the anxiety creeping up on me. It's not like this day is difficult. I think it's more of a mixture of things. Sleeplessness, perfectionism, stress... on top of other things... just makes my heart cringe and my head hurt.
And I know what the majority consensus is: you'llsurviveit'sjustaflukeyou'llbefinejustremembertobreathe.
I would like for one person to just say... "let's go take a walk."
But instead, it's 8:30 in the morning. I feel like i'm gonna cry. And all I want to do is walk. I don't want to do anything but take a really really long walk.
yeah yeah... i know...
9.10.2008
...pfff...
I
am
so
weird.
Sometimes I don't get why I act the way I do.
Today in class I actually volunteered to answer a question. IN JAPANESE.
I never speak up in class. NEVER.
Even so...IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Today, I fear, I am someone else other than myself.
Someone save me.
I
am
so
weird.
am
so
weird.
Sometimes I don't get why I act the way I do.
Today in class I actually volunteered to answer a question. IN JAPANESE.
I never speak up in class. NEVER.
Even so...IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Today, I fear, I am someone else other than myself.
Someone save me.
I
am
so
weird.
9.07.2008
Photoshop fun
I like taking quotes or old pictures and printing them out and putting them on my wall.
...
...
9.05.2008
9.03.2008
When Bored at Work...
Write about your favorite actors!
I have 5 favorite actresses. In no particular order:
Lauren Bacall
Meryl Streep
Juliette Binoche
Julia Roberts
Gwyneth Paltrow
If anyone has watched a Bogie and Bacall movie, you know why I love Lauren Bacall. Gosh! To be so womanly, so strong and not really have to try so hard to do so… that’s a trait I’d love to have. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure you’re born with a presence such as Mrs. Bogie’s rather than gaining it.
Meryl Streep, oh yes. She is fierce isn’t she? I have a ton of her movies in my queue on Netflix. I want to watch all of her movies. I watched The Hours which was a very well made movie. Slightly depressing but many movies with a strong feminist view tend to lean toward that way. Meryl is one of those ladies who are so wise. I look at Meryl and I want her to tell me something I don’t know. I want her to tell me it’ll all be okay and I’ll believe her.
Juliette Binoche. If I were to pick one actress I would love to be like, Juliette would be it. She’s smart. She studies. She has lived life. I watch her in movies and I’m stuck. Not because she good and certainly not because she’s the main character. It’s because she’s sincere. She’s so honest. Every part she plays, she brings this innocence to it. It’s like she’s been there before but yet it’s her first time. I watched her in Paris, Je T’aime the other day and she didn’t even have to say anything and I knew. I knew her pain and sadness. She just looked and I knew. I admire that.
I have adored Julia Roberts forever. Queen of romantic comedies. I think I like her because she makes me feel like it can happen to me. And maybe Julia really sparked my interest in movies. I take movies literally. And I blame that on Julia. She makes me feel like if it can happen to her it can happen to me too. There’s a personable factor about her that I love.
The reason why I love Gwyneth is because I always forget that she’s American. I always picture her as Emma or Viola in Shakespeare in Love or Maud in Possession. She makes me believe she’s actually British.
So that’s enough movie blabber for now.
I have 5 favorite actresses. In no particular order:
Lauren Bacall
Meryl Streep
Juliette Binoche
Julia Roberts
Gwyneth Paltrow
If anyone has watched a Bogie and Bacall movie, you know why I love Lauren Bacall. Gosh! To be so womanly, so strong and not really have to try so hard to do so… that’s a trait I’d love to have. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure you’re born with a presence such as Mrs. Bogie’s rather than gaining it.
Meryl Streep, oh yes. She is fierce isn’t she? I have a ton of her movies in my queue on Netflix. I want to watch all of her movies. I watched The Hours which was a very well made movie. Slightly depressing but many movies with a strong feminist view tend to lean toward that way. Meryl is one of those ladies who are so wise. I look at Meryl and I want her to tell me something I don’t know. I want her to tell me it’ll all be okay and I’ll believe her.
Juliette Binoche. If I were to pick one actress I would love to be like, Juliette would be it. She’s smart. She studies. She has lived life. I watch her in movies and I’m stuck. Not because she good and certainly not because she’s the main character. It’s because she’s sincere. She’s so honest. Every part she plays, she brings this innocence to it. It’s like she’s been there before but yet it’s her first time. I watched her in Paris, Je T’aime the other day and she didn’t even have to say anything and I knew. I knew her pain and sadness. She just looked and I knew. I admire that.
I have adored Julia Roberts forever. Queen of romantic comedies. I think I like her because she makes me feel like it can happen to me. And maybe Julia really sparked my interest in movies. I take movies literally. And I blame that on Julia. She makes me feel like if it can happen to her it can happen to me too. There’s a personable factor about her that I love.
The reason why I love Gwyneth is because I always forget that she’s American. I always picture her as Emma or Viola in Shakespeare in Love or Maud in Possession. She makes me believe she’s actually British.
So that’s enough movie blabber for now.
8.27.2008
Rambling Nonsense of My Somewhat Sensible Life
I guess it's about time to update on my life since summer ended.
My class schedule is a little awkward. I have 2 classes that are once a week, 2 classes that are twice a week, and i'm auditing one class. Now, one of my once a week classes is a performance art lab. I'm most excited about this class. It's a compilation of 5 workshops and we're required to take 3 of the workshops. We can take more for extra credit. But here's why that might be stupid for someone with a full schedule like me. Basically, each workshop is a week long, some longer than others, some shorter. Each workshop is differenet, theater, acting for the camera, site specific dance, poetry, and solo performance. Ater the week of workshops is over, there's a performance. So you're basically at school for a week from 5-10 workshopping and getting ready for a performance. I'm doing the poetry, dance, and theater... I really want to do acting for the camera (being into movies and all, I thought it'd be pretty appropriate) and there may be a chance that i'll be doing it.
So that's that.
I'm going to be working 20 hours a week. Crazy? I know. So 5 classes, 20 hours, and 3 or 4 performances? SWEET JESUS! who gave me permission to make my own schedule?
The upside to all of this is that i'm gonna be in tip top shape by the end of the year. Or rather, school year. I've moved a few blocks away from school now and so i'm riding my bike every day. It might get hard when i'm staying at school till 10pm or so. But I am definitely having fun with it. My quads hurt so bad. I can't wait till the temperature goes down too. Riding in the heat is ridiculously draining. I mean, the amount that I sweat everyday could probably hydrate the saltan sea back to it's original water level. Seeing as it's on it's way to complete evaporation soon, I bet if I bottled my sweat I could help with some kind ecological miracle. Like... the migrating of birds or well... the creation of new salt loving bacteria.
I don't know where im going with that.
Anywho, my roomies are awesome, we have fun. I'm going to buy the rest of my furniture this weekend and i'm stoked about it. I haven't fully unpacked yet. I have a few boxes in the garage still. I still have yet to name my bike. It's read and soon to be pimped out with grocery baskets. I was thinking of meryl or julliette. Or maybe something french? Like Vianne? I don't know. I figure I should name it after someone i'm into. At the moment i'm loving Meryl Streep and Juliette Binoche. And Chocolat! I would name it Johnny Depp but I think it would be inappropriate to be riding a male bicycle. Don't you think? "I'm gonna go ride johnny!" ... yeah, definitely no bueno.
Anyways, more later I guess. I had fun writing this blog. =)
My class schedule is a little awkward. I have 2 classes that are once a week, 2 classes that are twice a week, and i'm auditing one class. Now, one of my once a week classes is a performance art lab. I'm most excited about this class. It's a compilation of 5 workshops and we're required to take 3 of the workshops. We can take more for extra credit. But here's why that might be stupid for someone with a full schedule like me. Basically, each workshop is a week long, some longer than others, some shorter. Each workshop is differenet, theater, acting for the camera, site specific dance, poetry, and solo performance. Ater the week of workshops is over, there's a performance. So you're basically at school for a week from 5-10 workshopping and getting ready for a performance. I'm doing the poetry, dance, and theater... I really want to do acting for the camera (being into movies and all, I thought it'd be pretty appropriate) and there may be a chance that i'll be doing it.
So that's that.
I'm going to be working 20 hours a week. Crazy? I know. So 5 classes, 20 hours, and 3 or 4 performances? SWEET JESUS! who gave me permission to make my own schedule?
The upside to all of this is that i'm gonna be in tip top shape by the end of the year. Or rather, school year. I've moved a few blocks away from school now and so i'm riding my bike every day. It might get hard when i'm staying at school till 10pm or so. But I am definitely having fun with it. My quads hurt so bad. I can't wait till the temperature goes down too. Riding in the heat is ridiculously draining. I mean, the amount that I sweat everyday could probably hydrate the saltan sea back to it's original water level. Seeing as it's on it's way to complete evaporation soon, I bet if I bottled my sweat I could help with some kind ecological miracle. Like... the migrating of birds or well... the creation of new salt loving bacteria.
I don't know where im going with that.
Anywho, my roomies are awesome, we have fun. I'm going to buy the rest of my furniture this weekend and i'm stoked about it. I haven't fully unpacked yet. I have a few boxes in the garage still. I still have yet to name my bike. It's read and soon to be pimped out with grocery baskets. I was thinking of meryl or julliette. Or maybe something french? Like Vianne? I don't know. I figure I should name it after someone i'm into. At the moment i'm loving Meryl Streep and Juliette Binoche. And Chocolat! I would name it Johnny Depp but I think it would be inappropriate to be riding a male bicycle. Don't you think? "I'm gonna go ride johnny!" ... yeah, definitely no bueno.
Anyways, more later I guess. I had fun writing this blog. =)
8.20.2008
8.19.2008
Update on Vacay
Only 3 more days of vacation left. I'm bummed but I'm sotked that I get to go to sedona tomorrow. My mom and I got a free jeep tour. Sweet ain't it? Anything free is just divine. I haven't been online because during one of the thunderstorms, lightning hit something and I don't get internet. Funny how that happened. School starts in less than a week.
Yesterday we went to the petrified forest and met an aussie and a new zealander from London who were on a road trip on Route 66 together. They were so nice. Got their contact info so when I do go to either London, Australia, or New Zealand, i'll have place to stay or even just people to show me around. I also got a vocab lesson. Looks like Brisbane is is pronounces bris-ban like.. bun in the oven.. bris-bun. Yeah. They say they'll tease me if I say brisbane... like your so vain...bain... yeah. Or I could just call it brissy... like... "where abouts in brissy are you from?" haha... I think i'll be teased anyways. Trying to be Australian. Hah.
My mom said that she meets people like Tamara and Nicollette and she thinks she raised me in some kind of bubble. But I think that there are so many other people who have grown up in much more of a bubble than I have. I am not a bubble person. Hence the many road trips.
Anywho... i'm off. Mom needs some of this computer action. More pictures and videos to come later when I get internet.
Yesterday we went to the petrified forest and met an aussie and a new zealander from London who were on a road trip on Route 66 together. They were so nice. Got their contact info so when I do go to either London, Australia, or New Zealand, i'll have place to stay or even just people to show me around. I also got a vocab lesson. Looks like Brisbane is is pronounces bris-ban like.. bun in the oven.. bris-bun. Yeah. They say they'll tease me if I say brisbane... like your so vain...bain... yeah. Or I could just call it brissy... like... "where abouts in brissy are you from?" haha... I think i'll be teased anyways. Trying to be Australian. Hah.
My mom said that she meets people like Tamara and Nicollette and she thinks she raised me in some kind of bubble. But I think that there are so many other people who have grown up in much more of a bubble than I have. I am not a bubble person. Hence the many road trips.
Anywho... i'm off. Mom needs some of this computer action. More pictures and videos to come later when I get internet.
8.14.2008
Sipping on some wine, Writing this blog
We underestimated the trip to our destination. We underestimated by about 4 hours. It took us 12 hours on the road. We got lost twice. And we hit rain and thunderstorms.
We stopped in Prescott, Sedona, and Flagstaff. All those places are fantastic. If you haven't been, then you should go. At the moment, we're spending our weeks worth of vacation in Pinetop, AZ. Feels a lot like hume. We're in the mountains 7000 ft high and listening to far off thunder knowing it's coming our way. We're taking a trip to Albuquerque probably on saturday abd we also want to see the petrified forest. Funny isn't that? Petrified forest. reminds me of Harry Potter. Maybe the forest looked into a mirror or a camera and saw the snake... i'm weird, i know.
The music that soundtrack'ed yesterday made me cry. We were climbing the hill to Jerome on the way to Sedona and there were trees and just these scenic views everywhere. The colors were changing and we were riding on this winding road. I put in Damien Rice and listened to Cannonball and I started to tear.
"Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"
And it got me thinking about the irony of life. There are people, places, and things that teach the opposite of what they are. It takes a road trip to realize how much of a bubble i've been living in. Damien rice is so right. So So Right.
But anyways, I'm in love with his O album right now. Amazing.
Till next time. =)
8.13.2008
8.05.2008
8.04.2008
sometimes you just have to complain
I am so thankful for our new house. I love my new room and I'm still getting used to the house being my "home" and I'm still getting used to have 3 girls as roommates, but I think it'll just come in time.
BUT LET ME JUST SAY.... that this has been an insane move. My brain is exploding just htinking about the madness.
1.) The move in date was pushed back... back... back.....ba...ck. It just kept going and going and going. So I finally moved in saturday. But because the painters were still painting, I had to move in saturday night. We had all day but it has to be night time. And we couldn't touch the doors or anything white.
2.) The electricity was still being figured out. So on saturday we were moving in the dark. My mom was there all day friday and saturday. And she had expected to only stay for a little while saturday and that was it.
3.) My bed was put back together wrong so my uncle had to come back and fix it for me. IN THE DARK.
4.) The bathtubs were still drying because they were completely repainted and re-whatever it is they had to do. So I finally got to take a shower last night and when I went to go turn the water on, the whole faucet fell off. So I had to wait another 2 hours to get that fixed. But what's another 2 hours when you been sitting in the same sweat for 2 days.
5.) Our fridge stopped cooling last night. Weird? I know. So the 3 of us pushed the fridge into the middle of the kitchen where the plug works and that's where it's going to stay... for now. So we can't unpack any of the kitchen stuff because we have no room to unpack it in.
I think that's about it for my complaining. I'm not really bitter about the situation. I love the place. It's awesome. I'm just really really really tired and cranky and I just want to be able to enjoy the space I have. this whole experience of having 3 roommates is totally new to me. I'm just gonna have to get used to it. I'm sort of getting a double whamy. New place, new roomies. But it's nice that they understand that.
Hopefully they like me and we will have a great time!
-Me.
BUT LET ME JUST SAY.... that this has been an insane move. My brain is exploding just htinking about the madness.
1.) The move in date was pushed back... back... back.....ba...ck. It just kept going and going and going. So I finally moved in saturday. But because the painters were still painting, I had to move in saturday night. We had all day but it has to be night time. And we couldn't touch the doors or anything white.
2.) The electricity was still being figured out. So on saturday we were moving in the dark. My mom was there all day friday and saturday. And she had expected to only stay for a little while saturday and that was it.
3.) My bed was put back together wrong so my uncle had to come back and fix it for me. IN THE DARK.
4.) The bathtubs were still drying because they were completely repainted and re-whatever it is they had to do. So I finally got to take a shower last night and when I went to go turn the water on, the whole faucet fell off. So I had to wait another 2 hours to get that fixed. But what's another 2 hours when you been sitting in the same sweat for 2 days.
5.) Our fridge stopped cooling last night. Weird? I know. So the 3 of us pushed the fridge into the middle of the kitchen where the plug works and that's where it's going to stay... for now. So we can't unpack any of the kitchen stuff because we have no room to unpack it in.
I think that's about it for my complaining. I'm not really bitter about the situation. I love the place. It's awesome. I'm just really really really tired and cranky and I just want to be able to enjoy the space I have. this whole experience of having 3 roommates is totally new to me. I'm just gonna have to get used to it. I'm sort of getting a double whamy. New place, new roomies. But it's nice that they understand that.
Hopefully they like me and we will have a great time!
-Me.
8.03.2008
7.29.2008
The earth moved. I didn't.
In October 1987 there was an earthquake. My mom was pregnant with me and I was scheduled to pop out on the 5th. Till this day I am convinced it was the earthquake that made me 20 days late. I was born on the 25th instead of the 5th.
I don't like earthquakes. I have weird queezy feelings. I don't like natural disasters at all. They scare the buh-JESUS out of me.
ugh...
I don't like earthquakes. I have weird queezy feelings. I don't like natural disasters at all. They scare the buh-JESUS out of me.
ugh...
7.28.2008
7.25.2008
Lay it on me. I'll dry off later.
I've been flooded with a lot of thoughts and feelings lately and I guess they're just coming out sporadically. Thankfully, they are coming as fully formed ideas and phrases. My last blog was about the way I handle change and the occasional change in relationships. Today, right now actually, I was thinking about people trying to hide things in a way of protection.
I feel like this has been a sudden theme occurring within my group of friends and I realize this is probably slightly dangerous to post this up as a blog but if anyone knows me well enough, they know that I am brutally honest sometimes. Yes, it gets me in trouble a lot but I'd rather be honest than never speak a word of truth. And that's exactly what I wanted to talk about.
You can hide things from people. There are times where protecting people from the truth seems like a good idea. But is it? Really? "You don't want to see them get hurt" may sound like a justifying phrase in that moment of time but let's take a look into the future. The secret gets out, the truth always finds a way into our lives and then they find out that you've kept it from them this whole time. Now you've got triple the pain and a loss of trust.
Yes, the truth hurts. It really does. We've all been there. But personally, I would rather face the truth than not know it at all. If I needed protection from the dark, ugly, and dangerous world, I would higher a bodyguard or Rambo or maybe even Schwarzenegger himself. However, I don't think it's that serious. Honesty can get us into trouble sometimes, but I'd rather have a clear conscience than have a mind hidden in the shadows.
I like being drenched in a storm... You know what I mean? You don't have to shelter me. Just let me face the truth and I'll dry off later.
I feel like this has been a sudden theme occurring within my group of friends and I realize this is probably slightly dangerous to post this up as a blog but if anyone knows me well enough, they know that I am brutally honest sometimes. Yes, it gets me in trouble a lot but I'd rather be honest than never speak a word of truth. And that's exactly what I wanted to talk about.
You can hide things from people. There are times where protecting people from the truth seems like a good idea. But is it? Really? "You don't want to see them get hurt" may sound like a justifying phrase in that moment of time but let's take a look into the future. The secret gets out, the truth always finds a way into our lives and then they find out that you've kept it from them this whole time. Now you've got triple the pain and a loss of trust.
Yes, the truth hurts. It really does. We've all been there. But personally, I would rather face the truth than not know it at all. If I needed protection from the dark, ugly, and dangerous world, I would higher a bodyguard or Rambo or maybe even Schwarzenegger himself. However, I don't think it's that serious. Honesty can get us into trouble sometimes, but I'd rather have a clear conscience than have a mind hidden in the shadows.
I like being drenched in a storm... You know what I mean? You don't have to shelter me. Just let me face the truth and I'll dry off later.
7.24.2008
Donnie Darko Life Lessons
It wasn't love. It never was. There is some kind of connection you make when you enter a relationship; any kind of relationship, really. Whether you are best friends, friends with benefits, dating, or simply platonic-- there's always a connection. I had a connection. There was no definition of what we were or what we were doing. I was actually kind of confused about what I was doing but in the moment, I just knew what I wanted and what I wanted trumped what was right. And what happened then was simply, sinfully amazing. The consequences of which I emotionally, being a girl and all, handled with unease.
So, time passed. Things changed. I changed. I hadn't seen his face in a long time and I was okay. I was doing fine actually. Living vicariously through chick flicks, other people's lives, and my lovely dreams had been working out for me. Of course loneliness peeks it's face out once in a while but... I was okay. Honest.
He comes around and I'm thrown. I'm over him. I'm done with that. Time changes people. I went from completely enthralled by his mere presence to completely not interested in just a matter of time. But time doesn't erase feelings and memories and scars. Time moves you forward and when you look back you get those knots in your stomach and you start remembering. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't let him leave a mark on the new me. I'm newly healed. I'm ready for another adventure. No repeats. The fact that he was there, hanging out in my newly remodeled life just made me so uncomfortable--so scared. And sitting there with him only made me flash back to the Donnie Darko scenes about the time line between fear and love.Yes, I was scared to look at him, to talk to him, to be near him. No, I never loved him. But I agree with Donnie when he says that life is more complex than just fear and love. Life is more real and truthful.
So here I am totally confused by all this. I don't really get it and I don't know if I ever will. Maybe i'm even scared to wrap my mind around where he and I stand. Fear is a bitch. All I know is that I honestly don't want to spend so much time trying to figure this out. Time is of the essence and I can't spend the rest of my life living in the past or living vicariously through others.
Here's to old love, other disasters, and new ones to come. I just hope adventure is on its way soon. I'm ready to experience something new.
So, time passed. Things changed. I changed. I hadn't seen his face in a long time and I was okay. I was doing fine actually. Living vicariously through chick flicks, other people's lives, and my lovely dreams had been working out for me. Of course loneliness peeks it's face out once in a while but... I was okay. Honest.
He comes around and I'm thrown. I'm over him. I'm done with that. Time changes people. I went from completely enthralled by his mere presence to completely not interested in just a matter of time. But time doesn't erase feelings and memories and scars. Time moves you forward and when you look back you get those knots in your stomach and you start remembering. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't let him leave a mark on the new me. I'm newly healed. I'm ready for another adventure. No repeats. The fact that he was there, hanging out in my newly remodeled life just made me so uncomfortable--so scared. And sitting there with him only made me flash back to the Donnie Darko scenes about the time line between fear and love.Yes, I was scared to look at him, to talk to him, to be near him. No, I never loved him. But I agree with Donnie when he says that life is more complex than just fear and love. Life is more real and truthful.
So here I am totally confused by all this. I don't really get it and I don't know if I ever will. Maybe i'm even scared to wrap my mind around where he and I stand. Fear is a bitch. All I know is that I honestly don't want to spend so much time trying to figure this out. Time is of the essence and I can't spend the rest of my life living in the past or living vicariously through others.
Here's to old love, other disasters, and new ones to come. I just hope adventure is on its way soon. I'm ready to experience something new.
7.23.2008
Multimedia message
7.18.2008
7.15.2008
A Whole Lotta Summer
This summer has been an adventure. I would have liked it no other way. But I realized how much of my summer I have left and it makes me excited and nervous. July is going to be simple. I'll still be working and I just have to pack up all my sh*t and move on august 1st. This move means a few new changes. New roommates, biking instead of walking to school, and well... anything else that comes with moving. I really want to change my room up a little. Get everything into boxes, storage the stuff I don't use, get a desk, you know... that kind of stuff. I don't think people understand how much stuff I actually have because they have homes they go home to and can keep most of their things there. I on the other hand, don't have that luxury and I literally have to pack up my life and move. It's also the reason I need to have my own room. Whoever would be willing to share a room with me is absolutely insane.
August is going to be interesting. I've agreed to work till beginning or mid august. SO!... I move in August first and I get the weekend to situate. I work 3 days again the next week, then on August 8th, I go up to LA and film a wedding, probably stay the weekend, party it up a little with my homies and go to church on sunday. Then on wednesday the 13th I go to AZ with my mom for our week long summer vacay!! I love roadtrips and i'm praying we can spend a day in Sedona, my favorite place on earth. When we come back on the 20th, i'll have 5 days to get ready for school. I plan on those 5 days being nothing but home time. Hopefully I can stop working by the 7th. I can't imagine working anymore after that. It seems almost impossible.
But I'm glad my summer was an active summer. It was a rocky start but now i'm excited that i've been taking the bus and walking places and taking action in my life. I love that i'm moving with friends and i'm going to get a bike finally so I can finally wear my 'I <3 my bike' bag and not have people tease me for not actually having a bike. BWAHAHA.
I'm just really happy right now. And for the remaining weeks in July, I plan on just taking it easy because I don't think that'll happen until the 2nd week of August.
August is going to be interesting. I've agreed to work till beginning or mid august. SO!... I move in August first and I get the weekend to situate. I work 3 days again the next week, then on August 8th, I go up to LA and film a wedding, probably stay the weekend, party it up a little with my homies and go to church on sunday. Then on wednesday the 13th I go to AZ with my mom for our week long summer vacay!! I love roadtrips and i'm praying we can spend a day in Sedona, my favorite place on earth. When we come back on the 20th, i'll have 5 days to get ready for school. I plan on those 5 days being nothing but home time. Hopefully I can stop working by the 7th. I can't imagine working anymore after that. It seems almost impossible.
But I'm glad my summer was an active summer. It was a rocky start but now i'm excited that i've been taking the bus and walking places and taking action in my life. I love that i'm moving with friends and i'm going to get a bike finally so I can finally wear my 'I <3 my bike' bag and not have people tease me for not actually having a bike. BWAHAHA.
I'm just really happy right now. And for the remaining weeks in July, I plan on just taking it easy because I don't think that'll happen until the 2nd week of August.
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About Me
- I am Christina.
- The day my mother gave me wings was the day I started learning how to fly. I'm now realizing that it takes a lifetime to learn how to soar. This is my journey. Well, a part of it.