The Complicated Ones

I'm tired. I've been explaining myself today as if I am in a state of post trip blues and pre semester stress.

Sometimes I fear my inability to transition from one part of life to another takes its toll. The fact that I get no time to make a slow fade in and out from one thing to another makes me feel like i'm in a slow motion car crash. A head on collision with an amazing winter break and the reality of what most of my life consists of which in fact is school and work.

I'm feeling a sense of heart ache and the tightening of the knots in my stomach. I feel lost and not knowing what i'm doing. Some people have it so easy. They know what they want, they go get it, they succeed with a few little hiccups here and there. Altogether, they are the lucky ones. And for most of my life i've felt like I was one of those lucky ones. I'm starting to learn that I don't work that way. Never have, never will.

I'm one of the complicated ones. The ones with the dreams that rarely ever come true. The ones with all the patience to keep waiting for something that never happens. The ones who feel so small in the world but believes there is something bigger, something huge. I'm one of the ones who creates disaster without meaning to and who has a servants heart but is waiting for good fortune to shine on them. I'm one of those people. The ones who, when recieves a moment of joy, savors it with every inch of their heart and soul because they don't know when another moment like that will come around again. The ones with a map of life without knowing which route to take. The ones who people tell "do something about it!" but had thought they are already had been taking action.

This winter break has been unlike any winter break I have ever experienced. I wish my life would be that actively special all the time.

Off I go. Head on collision with reality. Once I lay my head on my pillow tonight that's it. That's the end of an amazing memory. Now, all I can do is remember and hope for more.