Instantaneously

every now and then
i want to see things
happen
the minute they start
i want to see
the result
before it gets hard

But life--
it just doesn't work
that way

does it?

I mean
after all...
Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was him

If there ever was a man
who listened to the way he felt
over the way he thought
or the way others thought

it was him.

no dance moves
no music
like his
could ever come from the head

only the heart

my childhood spent
in a car seat
in the backseat
of my mom's minivan
singing to his tapes
even if I didn't get the words

watching him on tv
wanting to dance
at the age of 3
he's the reason why
i spent hours
in the afternoons
with a remote control hitting
rewind
play
rewind
play
rewind
fast foward
play

watching thriller
when i was in first grade
scared to watch
but still
couldn't take my eyes off

let's remember him for his art
his beautiful
amazing
crazy
out there
uncoverable
art

Slow Motion Scars

no one taught me how to fall

so i'm learning now
i'm finding out it's difficult
to let go
and know

you're gonna crash

but there's that moment
when you've already let go
and you realize
you're mid air
and everything moves so slow
you see everything clear
knowing you've done
the damage
you close your eyes
and await the fate

that moment is my favorite

even if in the end

it leaves me
with a scar

Knees

i need
to say
whatever i'm feeling
my knees
are red
from constant kneeling
below you
i was
but words
pulled me out

these words
are my shoes
walk around
if
you're afraid
i understand
here
take my hand
i'll never save
you
but words
will pull
you out

Just A Bunch of Words

I really don't know what I want.

This guy that I know, he used to always get angry with me. I won't get into the details of our relationship but he used to ask me, "What do you want?!" Actually, he'd ask me all the time. And i'd never have an answer. Which in turn, made him upset. Mostly because I really didn't know what I wanted from him.

Sometimes what I want is super clear. If I have a craving for chocolate or which color shirt to wear or which movie I want to watch.

But when it comes down to the deeper and bigger decisions in life, I really have no idea.

This reality has become a lot more depressing over the years. Especially because I've always been the type of girl who knew what she wanted. Or so I thought.

I'm beginning to realize that maybe it was just a bunch of words.

One Last Hike

I was feeling the sadness slowly creeping up on me the last few days I was at Fume Bake (F is H and B is L). I was kind of angry and frustrated to be indoors on my last full day.

Eric sent me out to get a mini DV tape that cost 10 bucks at the general store so I didn't get one. Instead I bought a gatorade and walked toward the lake.

Travis was there.

We decided to take a walk around the lake. I had never done that before. It made my week's end so special. Travis is special. Good guy. I got a biology lesson from a certified botanist and biologist. Not to mention the spontaneous 3.5 mile hike around the lake.

It was a good day.

Now i'm home. I can barely see the stars. I miss the smell. I want the trees back and the blue sky. I wish I could have bottled it up.

But then I think...

If it was always within my reach, would it be as special as it is to me now?

No.

So now I wait for another opportunity to make it back up the hill. If I don't, then i'm perfectly happy with the memories I have. Many many memories.

Hume Blog 9: Shhhh....

Hume Blog 8

This was blog worthy. We just made some espressos for everyone. Actually Teej and Tam are making espressos for everyone and i'm watching. The machine at the cabin here is about $1500. It's amazing. And it foams the milk. It's so so so good.

Hume Blog 7

live each day up to its fullest. that's what i'm trying to do. at lease i'm trying to do. went for a little hike this morning. i took a bath and watched sound of music. listened to the boys play some more.

yesterday was a good day. really good. finally got those tapes.

i'm soon gonna head out to the studio to watch TJ work with some students.

i've been on a camera spree. here's my favorite from yesterday. TJ at the drums.

Hume Blog 6

I have more blogs than days i've been here. Funny.

Yesterday afternoon/evening, I hung out with TJ. I saw him sitting by himself. So I just joined him. I got to see where he lives. He made me coffee. GOOD COFFEE. And he gave me a new toothbrush because E used mine. Gross.

Later on the guys hung out by the fire pit at the snack shop and talked. It's so awesome just to listen to them. I love that they are comfortable enough to joke around me. I love hom i'm comfortable enough to just laugh. I love listening.

I was sitting there thinking that I wasn't at Hume Lake Christian Camps. It felt like I was at a band retreat. Right now, it's like a time where we all get to have a chance and feel like family. To get to know each other a little better. To encourage. To work. To inspire.

Hume Blog 5

Hello from my office! Or otherwise known as the bathroom. We're having real food made by Tam today. I'm so happy to have Teej around more now. Everything is so much better when he's around. He's a genious. Seriously. He can play EVERYTHING.

We hung out with Chris Simning last night. It's crazy cause he was the speaker my freshman year. I remember him so well. He was my favorite speaker out of all 4 years. He's speaking this week so i'm gonna go listen some of the days. There was a girl who went up to him at the snack shop and said "Hey! you were my speaker at Meadow Ranch 6 years ago! I have a picture with you!" After that Chris turns around to Ben and I and says, "It's weird how people have pictures with me." And I said, "I have a picture with you!" He laughed really hard!

It was awesome.

Here's another funny story. Hanging out with the guys and some of the staff yesterday, I met a girl who does video for the camp. She was desperate for someone who does video. I guess they're short staffed. Teej just blurts out "Christina does our video!" and then she offered me a job at Hume Lake Christian Camps. I turned it down unfortunately. Hah. But I'm gonna buy some tapes off of her.

I'm short on everything. I have to do laundry because I only packed for 3 or 4 days-ish.

OH! I woke up at 9 this morning. SO nice to sleep in. But my eyes were huge. Allergies.

Listening to Rachael Yamagata with the faintness of Teej on the taiko drums in the background.

Hume Blog 3: I'm on a Boat!

As you can see, my favorite room in this house is the main master bedroom bathroom. There's a shower and a HUGE tub. I like to dream that... "I'M ON A BOAT!"

Hume Blog 2

I spent some time on the lake yesterday. Went to hear the band play at chapel and then spent some time by the lake without any of the crazy loud noises from the campers. It's just as beautiful as I remembered.

Hume Blog 1

Hume is beautiful as always.

Boys: 3
Girls: 1
Instruments: a gazillion

MUSICA!!

Haven't posted a music blog lately. Here's what's on my playlist right now:


Meiko

I saw her on youtube and thought 'well, that's cool.' Her album is kinda slow at the beginning but I love Boys with Grilfriends and Under my Bed. Her voice sometimes reminds me of Nina Persson of The Cardigans. They have that high low airiness to their voice. I like it.


Urban Rescue

These boys are awesome. Sometimes I just like to sit in my room and listen to them. Good guys. www.myspace.com/urbanrescue


Kings of Leon

First off, I love the man's voice. Second, he sings the words 'dance' and 'dancing' a lot. Third, I love love love the drums. Fourth, try playing it at night in your pajamas and just DANCE! It's exhilarating.

Damien Rice

What can I say about Damien Rice? I love this album. Nice to wind down. Sometimes if i'm angry, I like to play the angry ones but otherwise, everything else is classic Damien. Love it. I love the song about the girl who does yoga.


Camille

This chick is my favorite right now! She's the reason why I want to pack up and move to France. Most of the background music is done with sounds she makes with her own voice. I listened to it on the way to Norther Cali. The time passed by really fast becaus you're just completely intrigued.


Mandy Moore

I think Mandy is on to something. No more bubblegum pop. She married Ryan Adams and BAM! she is trying out all these different folky sounds. I loved her last album cause she worked with the Weepies and Rachael Yamagata. This one hasn't grown on me like Wild Hope cause it has more of a oldies orchestral sound. Definitely like Wild Hope better.

Hume Lake

8 years makes me feel old. It was this side of 8 years ago that I knew my life had changed. Now i'm headed back up the mountain not as the audience before them, but as a friend beside them.

I've been thinking about this a lot. It occured to me that i've thought i've been sure of a lot of things in my life. I've made decisions thinking they were right. But when I look at the full circle coming to its close, it makes the rest of my life seem so unsure.

8 years ago I saw them and I didn't question or doubt the feeling I had. It's the only solid thing i've ever been sure of in my life.

Woodstock

I bought the "craziness is like heaven" poster.