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my hair! And i still have hair on my head. Imagine that.

My Country Music Affair

I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC!

Ever since my freshman year in college, laying in my bed with mono and strep throat, wanting my momma, and thinking my life has come to its end... I flip the channels and find Keith Urban. I will never forget that day. 'Better Life' was blaring out my tv and I had no idea country music sounded so AMAZING. Or looked so amazing, I mean, look at the man-- he's really easy on the eyes! Plus, the lyrics were lifting my spirits.

"Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones and good lucks gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones so hold on, we're heading for a better life."

I don't think the channel changed from channel 72 CMT for months.

Now, I go in and out of my music phases. I love mostly singer/songwriter music among other genres. I usually have a musical conversation with John Mayer (the love of my life), Rachael Yamagata, Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Coldplay, Deathcab, some Chris Brown, and Sara Bareilles and Colbie Caillat. But similar to a lot of other things in life, you leave something alone for awhile and when you experience it again, it's like its the first time. Kind of like relationships or first kisses. I'm in that stage with country music--the first kiss stage.

See, i'm not one of those southern california country wannabes. In some ways I am. I will never be a country girl. I guess i'm a city girl through and through. But I don't and I never will wear cowboy boots and a cowboy hat with a mini skirt and tie my shirt up to show my belly button. Then show up to a concert only knowing the songs they play 24/7 on the radio. I know my country music. I know the oldies... kris, willie, johnny, merle, waylon, george and all 3 hanks. I mean... I am dedicated to studying the history of a genre I have fallen deeply in love with. I listen to both country stations here in the San Diego. 95.7 & 92.1 but I rather listen to my grandpa willie cd's. Yes, I wish Willie Nelson was my grandpa. He was so handsome when he was younger. There's something about a man who still smokes pot at his age that intrigues me.

Country music feels like home. It makes me feel like I should be in front of a fire place, sipping hot cocoa, with blankets and pillows all over the floor and a guitar sitting next to me. It just feels so good to belt out your favorite hits. Not hard to learn on the guitar. And when you go to piano bars you know that "I've Got Friends In Low Places" is gonna be played. I love singing along to that song... and I see faces of people who don't know it and I feel so bad for them. Kind of like how I don't know all the songs to Bohemian Rhapsody... I kind of just make up sounds that sound sort of accurate.

Kenny Chesney just came on my Country Station on pandora. Now he makes me feel like I should be at "Some Beach, Somewhere" haha....

Puzzle Pieces

I just participated in a week long solo performance workshop. I had a chance to write and perform my own 3 minute monologue. The piece was inspired by the truth inside of me.

"When my mom left my dad she bought me a jigsaw puzzle. This was no ordinary puzzle for a 6 year old. No 50 piece Disney characters or barn yard animals. It was a 750 piece Wyland jigsaw puzzle entitled “Maui Dawn.” I didn’t understand why, but I started to do it. I think my mom wanted me to think about something other than the fact that things had changed. But being 6, I just remember the dolphins, the fish, the colors, and the sunset sky. I remember how scattered the pieces were and how the number 750 seemed like forever. It took me 9 months to finish it but I finished it. I got better over time. And then puzzles started to become my stress relief. They started to become my escape. Anytime something happened to me or if something was bothering me, I’d take it out on the puzzle. When Wendy Williams pantsed me in the middle of the playground, I came home and did a puzzle. When we moved, I did a puzzle. When I started a new school, I did a puzzle. When I didn’t get a part in the community theater production of Annie, I did a puzzle. When the divorce finalized, I did a puzzle. 750 pieces became 1000 pieces, 2000 pieces, 3D, circles, wood, photo mosaics and then Wyland became Kinkade, cityscapes, famous paintings, scenery, people, on and on… and then suddenly I’m in college. I had boxes of puzzles I wanted to do but never got around to do them. Until one day when I thought life couldn’t get any worse—I opened a box. I scattered 750 pieces of Times Square bustling with nightlife all over the floor. A landscape of neon lights, billboards, Broadway Shows, and people hailing taxis. I spread the pieces out and started to put it together. I finished it in 2 hours and it was in that moment I realized that the day my mom left my dad she handed me the greatest gift I could’ve ever asked for.

I WAS THAT PUZZLE.

All the pieces were there. I just had to sit down and figure them out. No matter the situation, no matter how scattered life may be, no matter how shattered life may seem—it’s how you pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together… that’s what matters. "

Escapist

I'm an escapist. I love that I am. I feel like there aren't many out there. But I don't like being one sometimes. There are realists who live day to day in their reality. I'm not sure how they do. They must think a lot with their heads. Not me! Nosiree. I'm a HEART kind of girl. The only thing bad about being a escapist is that the trip back to reality isn't smooth. It's more like a car crash.

I have an itch to leave and a yen for travel.

It's a beautifully tragic combination.

So right now, I'm kind of bandaged up, twiddling my fingers, tapping my toes, trying to be patient. I'm having a hard time sitting still. I want to beg God and ask him "WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TURN?!" but I keep my mouth shut. But inside, all I want is a one way ticket to somewhere i've never been.

If I don't feel something change soon, i'm not sure how i'm going to survive.

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Watching leatherheads. Bass recording in the background. Sun coming out of rain clouds. I like this.

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This is amazing... Wow. The sound.

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last show ever with spence... I might cry.

"Art is better when you don't have to fear other people's opinions."

-ME!

Think about it...
My dance Professor thought it was WISE!
I love being wise at my young age =)

hahaha....

Shades of Gray...

Alright, there is something just pulling at my heart and I'm not sure how this blog is going to turn out. All I know is that whatever I type here on out is what i'm feeling.

Last night (the picture below) was a chill night. I was hanging out with the band (www.myspace.com/futureofforestry) at a gig for a church in North Park. The church's motto was "Christianity for All." Now, North Park and Hillcrest are areas here in San Diego that are openly open to homosexuality. The pastor of the church was gay. There were men raising their hands while holding each others hands. There was a man dressed as a woman. But they were all there worshipping God and saying "AMEN!" and "Preach it!" Completely enthusiastic about believing in God without anyone making them feel unwanted. The Pastor's message was how God loves you no matter what. God is love and Christianity is about everyone together not just one person.

Do you see where this is going?

There's a weird line between religion and homosexuality.

I hate sides. I don't consider myself an extremely religious person. I consider myself a believer of truth. I feel like that the church we were at last night was a support for those who have felt unwanted, who have felt eyes staring down at them and have gotten the cold shoulder countless times. All they want is to know love--to feel love. If being homosexual has brought them to that church and closer to God then I'm not sure why people have to be so judgemental.

I understand that the argument against my apporach is that in the bible it says that it's wrong. That living a lifestyle like the men and women that we met yesterday is not right in the eyes of God. I get it. But who gives people the right to say that they are wrong and point fingers? I mean... what did you do wrong today? Have you sinned today? Cause I know I have. What makes you so righteous to make people feel like crap and tell them that they are sinners? Is that really the way God would want us to react to homosexuality? Or to any sin in general? Is what you're saying out of love?

Maybe I'm just completely and insanely empathetic. Maybe I was a gay man in another life. I don't know. I don't know a lot about everything. But I know that God isn't standing in all of his glory and saying to all the homosexuals that they are sinners and they are going to hell. I think he's standing there saying "hey, you're mine. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul." If I didn't think God was capable of love than I wouldn't believe in Him. The only reason I write from the standpoint of a believer is because I know that God loves me. No matter who I am, what I do, what I say, or who I support, He made me and I have felt his love.

So when people say "DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON? HOW THOSE TWO MEN WERE HOLDING HANDS IN CHURCH?" yes, i'm gonna get a little peeved. I honestly didn't think i'd get so worked up about it but I feel extremely emotional about this topic.

The thing is... the homosexual lifestyle is becoming part of our culture now. So as much as people want to say it's sin and it's wrong... it's there. It's there and you're gonna have to accept it or look like a hypocrite. Too bad this world couldn't live harmoniously.

Am I allowed to hate hate? If I hate hate, then hate still exists. It's a vicious circle.

Palin wants to convert all homosexuals into God loving individuals. What if they already love God?

My best friend is openly gay. Does that mean God loves her less?

I just can't get my mind around the whole situation. I feel like it shouldn't be so complicated. Is it really just black and white? Or can we just create nice shades of grey?

I'd cry if I weren't at work.

And writing this blog isn't my way of saying how much I dislike a person or a person's opinions. I love all the musicians in Forestry. If anything, I wish issues such as this wouldn't tear them apart. I wish they could set things like this aside and believe in their music. And know tha their music brings people together for God. No matter who those people are... they are coming together though music for God. Isn't that enough? It's enough. I know it's enough.

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Sound check jam going on.

Movies Are Real

There are different reasons I like a movie. I like some movies because it feels like it's complete. Everything from cinematography to the script to the costumes is in its entirety. Chocolat is my favorite movie EVER. Everything was so well done. I LOVE that movie.

Now, there are other movies that I love not because of its artfulness necessarily. I think it may be more of a sentimental attachment.

I've been realizing that whenever I watch the movie, I place myself in it's world. I really start to feel what the person is feeling and react to what they are saying or doing. My roommates make fun of me cause I talk to the characters. I don't mean to. It just sort of happens. I yell at them and clap and laugh with them and I start observing every detail. It's probably why I can't watch a good movie only once. I have to watch it twice or more.

A movie that has a sentimental attachment to me is a movie that I can relate to. Even if I have never felt it, I feel like I can relate. Empathize. Sometimes, I want to be more like a character. It's the beauty of acting isn't it? Being someone who you wish you could be. Even if that person is evil. When else can you be evil and hateful? I'm not a hater in reality.

I love the movie Mona Lisa Smile. Julia Roberts had her Romantic Comedy reign and then she started portraying real women who once existed (Erin Brockavich, Mona Lisa Smile, Charlie Wilson's War). Autobiographies. The movie isn't really anything spectacular. It's simple. Historical. A period piece but slightly more modern than most. But Katherine Watson made a big difference. Katherine Watson is someone who everyone should model their lives after. Or at least a little bit.

"To Change for others is to lie to yourself."

"Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image."

"Look beyond the paint. Let us try to open our minds to a new idea."

The person who was Katherine Watson, who Julia Roberts only imagined and tried to portray, is the only reason I love Mona Lisa Smile.

I once heard a woman in a video rental store say, "I don't want to watch real life in movies. I watch movies to escape real life."

I love her enthusiasm about movies but I realize now that I disagree. Everything that I see in movies has never EVER happened to me personally. Maybe I can relate to feeling like happiness, betrayal, sadness, anger, love--but I think movies always take us into some other realm of our lives that we will or never will experience. If you don't like real life endings, which are usually sad... than well, that's understandable. It's just a choice of preference.

I think it's a choice to let go and escape into the movie. To open your mind and wander. It's fun to escape once in a while. Or in my case... EVERY DAY.

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Just me and nessie today.

Wheels and Stalkers.

You know what I would love to do? I would love to just follow someone with a camera. Capture their interactions. Capture their gestures. Find their quirks, things they do when they're nervous, happy, sad. I want to know what they do habitually and what they do in order to pass the time.

Kinda sounds stalkerish. I know. But how cool would that be? Admit it. It'd be pretty cool.

For my last semester at school I have to do a capstone and I've been thinking about what I want to do. A capstone is a final project within your field of study that you must perform or show depending what your major is.

This may sound weird, but I want someone to follow me back to LA. Getting on trains, meeting with old friends, visiting places that I've been to. I want to show things coming full circle. Wheels. It's the wheel of life. Hello's, Goodbye's. New friends, old friends. Leaving, staying. Things in life just keep going. "The circle of life." It's like a wheel. Time keeps moving but with every turn, you've got something ending, something beginning, something happening. Even in relationships. You won't be the last to love him/her. They'll find someone new and someone will love just as hard as you did.

I have no idea when I'm gonna finish school. I'm hoping soon. But with the end of college begins something completely unknown.

In my head, I see this huge, long, vast blank canvas. It looks like it goes on for forever. And there's this wheel. And it's a pretty big wheel. As it rolls over the blank canvas, it leaves it marks. Loves lost, fights won, marks of joy, anger, intensity. But until that wheel makes its mark, I really don't know what's coming next.

Wheels. I've just been stuck on wheels lately. Wheels and Life. Same Difference.

Along with that thought, I've been looking over some older journal entries of mine and I found something sort of pertaining to the vastness of my life that I have not yet accomplished. So I leave you today with this.

"I live for something more than this life that i'm living.
Just like looking out where the ocean meets the horizon.
It's vast.
And ongoing.
But I believe I can touch every part of that vastness.
If only I try.
And do.
Do what I can.
Do EVERYTHING that I can.
Anything is possible.
Even touching every part of my vast, vast life is possible.
And pictures that I see inside my mind are pictures that can one day be framed.
Placed on the walls inside my soul."

Two Ways

This is my mood study. The assignment: Pick a mood, any mood. Portray that mood through dance, video, and editing.

There's actually a lot that has to go through your mind. What time of day, location, costumes, choreography, props...yadayadayada.

So my mood is anger. To go further I thought stubbornness and frustration and lines being crossed. I saw the two arrows going different directions and I thought PERFECT! And then came the pulling and all the other stuff you see is basically improv.

Enjoy.

PS: I'm not really violent. But when else can you protray someone other than yourself?

A Bad Day. Really.

A woman who lives with chronic pain said to my mom the other day, "You can't sit around and wait for the storm to be over. You've got to learn how to dance in the rain." That's a perfect description of living with depression, or any chronic illness.

-Therese J. Borchard

I love that.

Yesterday, the universe took a huge piss on me. Huge. I realized that I try so hard to help people, or do things for people, and I don't really have to try. I actually LIKE doing it. I like getting cakes and cards for people's birthday. I like helping people who ask me questions about dance. I like helping someone up. All of which I did yesterday. But the world took no consideration on my sensitive heart.

By midday, my only thought was f*ck. I was trying not to cry. Really trying hard. Then I realized people suck. And then I spend time alone in a piano room banging keys and balling. And then you go home and roommate just makes you feel a lot better.

I felt so selfish yesterday. It was like I didn't want people to pity me cause I was having a bad day. I mean after all, there are starving children in the Sudan. So I tried to hide the anxiety and all the emotions running around in my insides but then it builds and builds and builds to the point that there's nowhere for it to go except to just explode out of you. And that's what it did.

So it rained on me yesterday. But thankfully I love to dance.

I tried my hardest, universe. I tried.

Unselfish USED

Dear Baby,

I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it.

-excerpt from the movie Waitress

Someone once told me that 2 people in love are 2 people who USE each other. It hurt to hear that. Me being the inexperienced and he being the experienced, it turned me away from him. I see where he was coming from, though. It makes sense. You use each other for affection, for a 20 minute hug, a kiss, for a shoulder to lean on, for a pillow to yell into, for a ear to hear you out. I get it. But to USE someone is so selfish-- so self-serving, narrow, asocial, or any other synonym for selfish. That's where he went wrong. Love--true love--should be unselfish right? It should be a two-way street rather than some small one way downtown. And if that isn't so, then it's not love. It can't be.

You can't compare feeling USED to feeling LOVED. Love wins every time.

I guess I've just had this on my heart for a while. Kinda came out when I watched Waitress last night.

Art @ Work

Must See!

These are the concerts I would love to go to in the upcoming months:

Sept. 25th- My Morning Jacket
SDSU Open Air Theater

Oct 3rd- The Swell Season, Iron & Wine
SDSU Open Air Theater

Oct 28th- Matt Nathanson and Jessie Baylin
House of Blues (21+) (and i'll be 21 by then!)

Oct 31st- Jason Mraz
SDSU Open Air Theater

SDSU has some awesome show this time around.

There's a show at the Belly Up with Joshua Radin ( Zack Braff's best friend) and MISSY HIGGINS! but I can't go. Have a required performance to go to. Bleh.

I made be awkwardly handicap in the mobility department but I really really really want to go to The Swell Season at least! C'mon Once fans! Let's unite!

Never Not Myself

Would you want me when i'm not myself?...
When i'm someone else?

I was thinking about relationships the other day. Real relationships.

When you meet someone and you get along but you basically have almost nothing in common, is it okay to change? For some odd reason, I don't feel comfortable with that. I love a relationship where you can learn new things from each other mutually. I just have a problem of listening to comments like "you should do this and you should do that." I guess it basically comes down to yes, I would love to do that... I always wanted to... but don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.

I was watching Penelope the other day. It's a great movie. I loved it. It had many different themes and such subtle touches of social satire that you couldn't help but relate to it. In Penelope's case, she just had to realize that she liked herself the way she was in order to break a curse. Her personal life and thoughts weren't in the way she looked. She had to take a deeper look inside her heart to realize that that's where her personal feeling, thoughts, and life dwelled. I think a better analogy is in the life of a celebrity. They are haunted by paps and you see what they are doing on magazine covers and who they are dating. But is that REALLY their personal life? I don't think it is. I don't know who Julia Roberts is or who Brad Pitt is. I don't know their thoughts or what their heart pursues. That's their personal life.

I think that's what happens when you first meet someone. You know that you get along but you really don't have any idea of what they do or what they think. And all you have are impressions.

So... I guess what i'm saying is that I like myself the way I am. And I have no problems of learning new things. But I don't want to become a different person just for someone to like me. I think I come with a fair share of warning labels... but I do come with a bunch of surprises too. I just never want to change because of someone. I want to change because I see the changes I need to make in myself. I want to be one of those people on the street that is basically another plain jane but you can tell that she's sure of herself.

I'm a far ways off from that. I've yet to start my life. I just wanted to get that stright.

I'm not changing for anyone. I'll change on my own time.

All I Wanna Do Is Walk

You remember that scene in Forest Gump when his mom dies and then Jenny leaves him and he just keeps running from one side of the US of A to the other? Do you remember? I remember. I know how he feels.

Today is one of those days where I wouldn't necessarily run but if you pointed me in one direction I think I could keep walking and walking and walking.

Last night I felt the anxiety creeping up on me. It's not like this day is difficult. I think it's more of a mixture of things. Sleeplessness, perfectionism, stress... on top of other things... just makes my heart cringe and my head hurt.

And I know what the majority consensus is: you'llsurviveit'sjustaflukeyou'llbefinejustremembertobreathe.

I would like for one person to just say... "let's go take a walk."

But instead, it's 8:30 in the morning. I feel like i'm gonna cry. And all I want to do is walk. I don't want to do anything but take a really really long walk.

yeah yeah... i know...