I'll keep this short.
Try to have a pure moment as often as you can.
You and your thoughts and your surroundings.
It's limited, this time here on earth.
Spend some time just realizing what you have.
Thoughts are bulletproof. Ideas are bulletproof.
Only you can make them die.
[Nothing like some Radiohead to soundtrack this moment-- The Bends album. My favorite.]
3.31.2008
3.30.2008
Music Appropriately
A modern version of Dancing Cheek to Cheek sountracking this moment right now. Nice female jazz vocalist with a piano riff that caught my ear.
Music. It's brilliant isn't it?
Today we were driving north through these rolling green hills and there was this moment where we turned the bend and the vast ocean shore just appeared. And it just made you want to lose your breathe for a second. Moments that take your breath away need a song. And the first song that I wanted to hear was Clarity by John Mayer.
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
That it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
(Preach it Johnny)
Now it's just a memory.
One of these days, I'm going to go on a road trip on my own and just let those moments come to me. Have pure moments and accept them and appreciate them as they are. I'll write them down in my journal, write a song, poem, anything. And then I won't be a girl with a ton of memories. I'd be a girl with a ton of a memories and a notebook full of art.
"Everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music."
-Claire Colburn, from the movie Elizabethtown
Willie Nelson and Norah Jones just came on. And this blog is now the memory of Grandpa Willie singing Dreams Come True.
Appropriate. Very Appropriate.
Music. It's brilliant isn't it?
Today we were driving north through these rolling green hills and there was this moment where we turned the bend and the vast ocean shore just appeared. And it just made you want to lose your breathe for a second. Moments that take your breath away need a song. And the first song that I wanted to hear was Clarity by John Mayer.
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
That it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
(Preach it Johnny)
Now it's just a memory.
One of these days, I'm going to go on a road trip on my own and just let those moments come to me. Have pure moments and accept them and appreciate them as they are. I'll write them down in my journal, write a song, poem, anything. And then I won't be a girl with a ton of memories. I'd be a girl with a ton of a memories and a notebook full of art.
"Everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music."
-Claire Colburn, from the movie Elizabethtown
Willie Nelson and Norah Jones just came on. And this blog is now the memory of Grandpa Willie singing Dreams Come True.
Appropriate. Very Appropriate.
3.29.2008
Day 1: San Simeon Spring Break
I've never felt so right before.
San Simeon, CA is beautiful.
Wish I could show you a 4x6 of what you're missing.
But I guess you're just going to have to come with me next time.
This boutique hotel has a coffee shop feel.
Folk music in the lobby where i'm sitting at a desk.
Wish I could be here longer than 4 days.
Wonder why everything amazing has a timer set to it?
Counting down the seconds in the back of your mind.
Keeping you depressingly conscious.
I think that's why I never wear watches.
I hate time.
I wish I could stay somewhere long enough till I get sick of it-- oh wait,
been there, done that.
Anywho,
long day of traveling has come to an end.
& get this!
Breakfast is getting sent to my room =)
San Simeon, CA is beautiful.
Wish I could show you a 4x6 of what you're missing.
But I guess you're just going to have to come with me next time.
This boutique hotel has a coffee shop feel.
Folk music in the lobby where i'm sitting at a desk.
Wish I could be here longer than 4 days.
Wonder why everything amazing has a timer set to it?
Counting down the seconds in the back of your mind.
Keeping you depressingly conscious.
I think that's why I never wear watches.
I hate time.
I wish I could stay somewhere long enough till I get sick of it-- oh wait,
been there, done that.
Anywho,
long day of traveling has come to an end.
& get this!
Breakfast is getting sent to my room =)
3.27.2008
Sick Cylces
There's a certain helplessness you feel while you're sick. My body is a slave to my heart and my head. Wherever they tell it to go, it goes. Whatever it tells it to do, it does.
Then your body just says, "NO!" So simple of a remark and everything just goes downhill. Your mind says, "you're lying! get up! you're good!" But my body says, "NO!"
And then you realize how helpless you feel. A certain inability, vulnerability, weakness-- subjection to this fragile body. Everything hangs on how your body feels or reacts. And there's a certain reliance on your head and heart to keep the faith. Cause good health is only a few days away.
Isn't it funny how alone you feel when you're sick. At least I do. No one here. Just me. Trying to listen to my body.
Silence is loud when all you hear is your heart.
Then your body just says, "NO!" So simple of a remark and everything just goes downhill. Your mind says, "you're lying! get up! you're good!" But my body says, "NO!"
And then you realize how helpless you feel. A certain inability, vulnerability, weakness-- subjection to this fragile body. Everything hangs on how your body feels or reacts. And there's a certain reliance on your head and heart to keep the faith. Cause good health is only a few days away.
Isn't it funny how alone you feel when you're sick. At least I do. No one here. Just me. Trying to listen to my body.
Silence is loud when all you hear is your heart.
3.25.2008
When Your Voice Fails; Use Post Its
I have a sore throat today. And I've been trying to experiment with post its. This is the outcome. It's not very good cause I took it with my digital camera and I had to diminish the volume of the song at the end... but you get the basic idea of what I was trying to do...
I hope.
I hope.
3.22.2008
You've Been Forewarned
Love Is Letting Go
Whoever coined those words knew what they were talking about.
I fancy myself to be one who is in control of her life. I've got my hands on the steering wheel and though the road is extremely shaky most of the time--i'm satisfied with knowing that the wheel is in my hands. However, I have never been in love before and i'm pretty sure that when I do, I'm going to have to share that wheel.
So this a forewarning to those who want to try and pursue me in the near future or the not so near future:
If you want me, you're gonna have to pry my hands off the steering wheel in order to win me over. I'm a force of nature that not many want to reckon with.
Don't say that I didn't warn you.
Whoever coined those words knew what they were talking about.
I fancy myself to be one who is in control of her life. I've got my hands on the steering wheel and though the road is extremely shaky most of the time--i'm satisfied with knowing that the wheel is in my hands. However, I have never been in love before and i'm pretty sure that when I do, I'm going to have to share that wheel.
So this a forewarning to those who want to try and pursue me in the near future or the not so near future:
If you want me, you're gonna have to pry my hands off the steering wheel in order to win me over. I'm a force of nature that not many want to reckon with.
Don't say that I didn't warn you.
3.20.2008
Home Body
I just picked up a copy of The Pride, my school's weekly independent student newspaper. I don't usually pick up a copy unless I'm in it, I know someone featured in it, or if I hear the art section is exceptionally good. Today, though, was different. I happened to read the headlining news titled 'Spring Fling Halted Early- Night under the stars takes terrible turn' and I was hooked.
Well, I kept reading on. I never read, but who can turn down a title so unexaggereated and unvarished. Well, it turns out that the Spring Fling was supposed to be a night under the stars on a yacht in the San Diego Harbor. Most people i'm guessing were under 21 and were already visibly inebriated. This is when it gets good. Picture a line of people in costly clothes, people with dates, people without dates, some high, some people who have a little buzz going on, some completely sober-- all waiting and anxious to have a great time. Then picture one person, boy or girl (you pick) and he or she turns pale in the face and vomits all over some innocent by standers.
Oh yeah. What a blast.
Then it goes on. The security lets these minors onto the boat where they are free to play at poker tables and dance on the dance floor. It so happens that the boat hadn't been out to sea for very long when the security said to head back to shore. He procalimed "this thing is over" after seeing a couple having sex in the middle of the poker room next to a dealer. Then someone decides to jump off the boat. Yes, that's right people... I go to Cal State San Marcos.
In a way, I kind of wish I was there. Not to be a part of the mayhem but to just be a fly on the wall for amusement's sake. On the other hand, I am so glad that I am the way I am and that I surround myself with people who when I start doing something completely ludicrous and absurd will say "Christina, stop--you look like an idiot."
I love to have fun, don't be mistaken. A few drinks, music, dancing... that is all fine by me! I am up for a good time. But when you're looking like a fool throwing up and jumping off boats in the middle of the night-- I think i'd have a lot more fun just sitting at home watching a Jane Austen inspired movie and making a little home inside my bed.
In that way, I am definitely a home body. Never thought i'd say that since i'm all about traveling and looking for a new world that i've never seen before.
However, this is an exception.
Home body I am. Yeah...
Well, I kept reading on. I never read, but who can turn down a title so unexaggereated and unvarished. Well, it turns out that the Spring Fling was supposed to be a night under the stars on a yacht in the San Diego Harbor. Most people i'm guessing were under 21 and were already visibly inebriated. This is when it gets good. Picture a line of people in costly clothes, people with dates, people without dates, some high, some people who have a little buzz going on, some completely sober-- all waiting and anxious to have a great time. Then picture one person, boy or girl (you pick) and he or she turns pale in the face and vomits all over some innocent by standers.
Oh yeah. What a blast.
Then it goes on. The security lets these minors onto the boat where they are free to play at poker tables and dance on the dance floor. It so happens that the boat hadn't been out to sea for very long when the security said to head back to shore. He procalimed "this thing is over" after seeing a couple having sex in the middle of the poker room next to a dealer. Then someone decides to jump off the boat. Yes, that's right people... I go to Cal State San Marcos.
In a way, I kind of wish I was there. Not to be a part of the mayhem but to just be a fly on the wall for amusement's sake. On the other hand, I am so glad that I am the way I am and that I surround myself with people who when I start doing something completely ludicrous and absurd will say "Christina, stop--you look like an idiot."
I love to have fun, don't be mistaken. A few drinks, music, dancing... that is all fine by me! I am up for a good time. But when you're looking like a fool throwing up and jumping off boats in the middle of the night-- I think i'd have a lot more fun just sitting at home watching a Jane Austen inspired movie and making a little home inside my bed.
In that way, I am definitely a home body. Never thought i'd say that since i'm all about traveling and looking for a new world that i've never seen before.
However, this is an exception.
Home body I am. Yeah...
3.19.2008
The Hurt
I’m a good man
in a dark room
in a big town
under a full moon
it’s a friday and I’m almost home
I’m in a good place
full of head space
got a brand new pack in my suitcase
but it’s dinner and then it's bed alone
How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn't, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
Gonna make it, like I need her
gonna miss her the moment I meet her
and it’s only gonna get worse from there
I’ll be rappin' there in the shower
she’ll be here by the end of the hour
I can do better
but I can’t do better now
How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
So long is over
nice to skip the chance you get to know you
why did I think this was true?
Because I wanted to
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
I wanna fall
I wanna kneel
I wanna laugh, cry, say goodbye
beg, lie, cheat and steal
There is something about these words that makes my heart clench. Clench so hard.
Yup, I've been there. And i'm not sure if those feelings ever go away until well.... until they do.
in a dark room
in a big town
under a full moon
it’s a friday and I’m almost home
I’m in a good place
full of head space
got a brand new pack in my suitcase
but it’s dinner and then it's bed alone
How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn't, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
Gonna make it, like I need her
gonna miss her the moment I meet her
and it’s only gonna get worse from there
I’ll be rappin' there in the shower
she’ll be here by the end of the hour
I can do better
but I can’t do better now
How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
So long is over
nice to skip the chance you get to know you
why did I think this was true?
Because I wanted to
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
I wanna fall
I wanna kneel
I wanna laugh, cry, say goodbye
beg, lie, cheat and steal
There is something about these words that makes my heart clench. Clench so hard.
Yup, I've been there. And i'm not sure if those feelings ever go away until well.... until they do.
3.18.2008
The Big Wake
"I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun."
- Jane Austen
It's not even about time anymore is it? I know that time flies. Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds pass without even being permitted to wave goodbye to them. But it's more than time. It's about paying attention. Not to be confused with being vigilant or circumspect. Those traits are so gaurded. I'm talking about an open alertness. These days I feel like i've been asleep. Actually, I feel like i've been asleep all of my life. I've been living life in the most comatose sense and I'm tired of it.
In other words, the alarm clock of my life has rung and i've finally pulled the covers off of my head and started opening my eyes to see things in a different light. It turns out that i've started something big and I was too blind to notice. Slowly this life reveals itself to me and I see that it's bigger than big--it's colossal and there's no way I can see past a certain point. But it's better to be awake to see it then to be asleep and miss out on all the fun.
- Jane Austen
It's not even about time anymore is it? I know that time flies. Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds pass without even being permitted to wave goodbye to them. But it's more than time. It's about paying attention. Not to be confused with being vigilant or circumspect. Those traits are so gaurded. I'm talking about an open alertness. These days I feel like i've been asleep. Actually, I feel like i've been asleep all of my life. I've been living life in the most comatose sense and I'm tired of it.
In other words, the alarm clock of my life has rung and i've finally pulled the covers off of my head and started opening my eyes to see things in a different light. It turns out that i've started something big and I was too blind to notice. Slowly this life reveals itself to me and I see that it's bigger than big--it's colossal and there's no way I can see past a certain point. But it's better to be awake to see it then to be asleep and miss out on all the fun.
3.16.2008
My name is Caprice
I wanted to write something of great importance and profoundness here today. Out of my capriciousness i've deleted about one, two, oh... a good three blogs.
I guess all I want to say is that when I fall in love, I want to be in sheer agony when he goes away. When he returns I want to feel the most limitless joy I have ever felt in my life. I want my world to function only because he's in it while still maintaining my independence. I want to be able to be myself however stubborn and lazy I am and vice versa--whatever his temperament. I have to able to argue with him but also admit my wrongs. And lastly, and quite possibly the most important, I don't want to take the small things for granted, for they matter just as much as the hugest doings.
I think a lot about my future relationships and like I said, i'm stubborn. In some ways, that also means that I am picky and exacting. I guess i'm at a turning point with LOVE. If it is not true love, then I don't want it at all.
I'm just waiting around for my Mr. Darcy. I must admit that I am a little impatient but what the hell... I'm young. I've spent most of my life alone. What's new. It's more exciting to indulge myself in the mystery of not knowing who my Mr. Darcy is. And when he finally comes around, I believe he will have been worth the wait.
I guess all I want to say is that when I fall in love, I want to be in sheer agony when he goes away. When he returns I want to feel the most limitless joy I have ever felt in my life. I want my world to function only because he's in it while still maintaining my independence. I want to be able to be myself however stubborn and lazy I am and vice versa--whatever his temperament. I have to able to argue with him but also admit my wrongs. And lastly, and quite possibly the most important, I don't want to take the small things for granted, for they matter just as much as the hugest doings.
I think a lot about my future relationships and like I said, i'm stubborn. In some ways, that also means that I am picky and exacting. I guess i'm at a turning point with LOVE. If it is not true love, then I don't want it at all.
I'm just waiting around for my Mr. Darcy. I must admit that I am a little impatient but what the hell... I'm young. I've spent most of my life alone. What's new. It's more exciting to indulge myself in the mystery of not knowing who my Mr. Darcy is. And when he finally comes around, I believe he will have been worth the wait.
3.14.2008
Home- ish
Dear Acquaintance,
You keep asking when I'm coming home but you're the one who told me 'home is where the heart is.' Where do you go when your heart longs to be in fifty different places? I've got two feet and I'm not afraid to use them. I believe that if I suffer it doesn't mean defeat. As you have figured out already, I'm gone. There's a chance that I may be off my mark but at least I know how to listen to my heart. I left and I have no intention of looking back on the past. I guess this much about me can't be found on the back of your hand.
Christina
P.S.: I miss you.
You keep asking when I'm coming home but you're the one who told me 'home is where the heart is.' Where do you go when your heart longs to be in fifty different places? I've got two feet and I'm not afraid to use them. I believe that if I suffer it doesn't mean defeat. As you have figured out already, I'm gone. There's a chance that I may be off my mark but at least I know how to listen to my heart. I left and I have no intention of looking back on the past. I guess this much about me can't be found on the back of your hand.
Christina
P.S.: I miss you.
3.12.2008
Videotape
When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape
When Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me
This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in red blue green
You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
This is my way of saying goodbye
Love this Radiohead song.
This will be on my videotape
When Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me
This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in red blue green
You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
This is my way of saying goodbye
Love this Radiohead song.
3.10.2008
Blogging Once Again
It's another one of those days at school. Pretty normal. Pretty dull. Ready and waiting to get back home to my bed, my guitar, my food, my life. But all the while knowing that I won't be back until around 8:30 tonight. Seems like forever. Technically it's another four and a half hours.
But i'm back here again. Here in front of one the many computers I could have chosen at this school. And i'm back at this blog.
I've started listening to John Mayer again and i've stumbled upon a few interviews. One of them being done by Rolling Stone Magazine. We don't even need to read articles/interviews anymore. We can listen to them via podcast.
I have a point.
I swear.
During the interview he talked about songwriters. Real songwriters. Like himself. And he said that any person can say they write songs, but when you ask to hear one of them and they reply, "they're unfinished" or "I haven't finished them yet" then what kind of songwriter does that make you? Well, it doesn't make you one. A songwriter writes songs. Leave the unfinished art to those german romanticists in the 1800's.
I started this blog and I intend to keep it updated. It's not like anyone reads this. But I feel like unfinished business is a problem that can be solved. Unfortunately, blogs are constant, ongoing projects that never really have an end until you delete it out of world wide web history. So until then, It's just a matter of facing this blog and saying, "YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!"
I guess i'm in a phase of my life where i'd like to see things through from beginning to the end. Whether it be projects, essays, papers, songs, dances, movies, conversations, friendships, etc... I'd like to see things full circle. In some ways it's a little bit OCD-ish, but i'm looking at it from a broader view.
I don't want to be the girl with a notebook of unfinished songs. I want to be the girl who made something happen. Someone who started a mini revolution in this crazy world that i'm living in. Population 1.
So there.
That's all I have to say about that.
Till next time--
Littlewings.
But i'm back here again. Here in front of one the many computers I could have chosen at this school. And i'm back at this blog.
I've started listening to John Mayer again and i've stumbled upon a few interviews. One of them being done by Rolling Stone Magazine. We don't even need to read articles/interviews anymore. We can listen to them via podcast.
I have a point.
I swear.
During the interview he talked about songwriters. Real songwriters. Like himself. And he said that any person can say they write songs, but when you ask to hear one of them and they reply, "they're unfinished" or "I haven't finished them yet" then what kind of songwriter does that make you? Well, it doesn't make you one. A songwriter writes songs. Leave the unfinished art to those german romanticists in the 1800's.
I started this blog and I intend to keep it updated. It's not like anyone reads this. But I feel like unfinished business is a problem that can be solved. Unfortunately, blogs are constant, ongoing projects that never really have an end until you delete it out of world wide web history. So until then, It's just a matter of facing this blog and saying, "YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!"
I guess i'm in a phase of my life where i'd like to see things through from beginning to the end. Whether it be projects, essays, papers, songs, dances, movies, conversations, friendships, etc... I'd like to see things full circle. In some ways it's a little bit OCD-ish, but i'm looking at it from a broader view.
I don't want to be the girl with a notebook of unfinished songs. I want to be the girl who made something happen. Someone who started a mini revolution in this crazy world that i'm living in. Population 1.
So there.
That's all I have to say about that.
Till next time--
Littlewings.
7.25.2007
The End.
We've been back for over a week now and things weren't the way we planned.
I can personally say that I was the only one not ecstatic about coming home. I knew what was waiting for me. NOTHING. And that was bad news cause I knew that NOTHING had to become SOMETHING. I needed to get a job. I had friends and a great summer, but now I had to face reality. JOBS. To those who are young (like myself) and looking for freedom, please weigh the circumstances. It's not as easy as it looks. Seriously. Unless you have some rich uncle somewhere in Switzerland or you're part of the Hilton clan, you're screwed.
The others have their own stories but they were all pretty excited to get back home-- either to boyfriends, friends, family-- they were all excited.
But high hopes and expectations are dangerous territory. I force myself not to tread that territory, but I fail. I'm a big dreamer. I can't help but over exaggerate the truth sometimes.
Sometimes, you have to keep your head out of the clouds and put your feet on the ground.
This is another reason that BOYFRIENDS are a BAD IDEA. Girls are emotional human beings. I really don't need another reason to stress. I'll stick to my little crushes. I'll tread the water but my heart really isn't into it. I keep saying to myself and to my friends,
"I HAVE PLANS MAN! I have plans! I don't know what they are yet... but I HAVE PLANS!"
No time for boys... nosiree. Not for me. Are they gonna pay the rent??
I Don't Think So...
OH! And what's up with guys wanting the girls to do all the chasing now? Did they stop growing balls? I mean, seriously. I guess i'm taking a reverse feminist view on it, but something has gone wrong. I wish I lived back when people courted. So romantic. There I go.. dreaming again...
So anyways... I face life. I'm done with fresno but dance is not through with me. I leave my life to a higher power and i'll take a hold of fate's hand.
This is the end of one part of my life and a beginning of another. Wish me luck!
Christina the Dreamer
I can personally say that I was the only one not ecstatic about coming home. I knew what was waiting for me. NOTHING. And that was bad news cause I knew that NOTHING had to become SOMETHING. I needed to get a job. I had friends and a great summer, but now I had to face reality. JOBS. To those who are young (like myself) and looking for freedom, please weigh the circumstances. It's not as easy as it looks. Seriously. Unless you have some rich uncle somewhere in Switzerland or you're part of the Hilton clan, you're screwed.
The others have their own stories but they were all pretty excited to get back home-- either to boyfriends, friends, family-- they were all excited.
But high hopes and expectations are dangerous territory. I force myself not to tread that territory, but I fail. I'm a big dreamer. I can't help but over exaggerate the truth sometimes.
Sometimes, you have to keep your head out of the clouds and put your feet on the ground.
This is another reason that BOYFRIENDS are a BAD IDEA. Girls are emotional human beings. I really don't need another reason to stress. I'll stick to my little crushes. I'll tread the water but my heart really isn't into it. I keep saying to myself and to my friends,
"I HAVE PLANS MAN! I have plans! I don't know what they are yet... but I HAVE PLANS!"
No time for boys... nosiree. Not for me. Are they gonna pay the rent??
I Don't Think So...
OH! And what's up with guys wanting the girls to do all the chasing now? Did they stop growing balls? I mean, seriously. I guess i'm taking a reverse feminist view on it, but something has gone wrong. I wish I lived back when people courted. So romantic. There I go.. dreaming again...
So anyways... I face life. I'm done with fresno but dance is not through with me. I leave my life to a higher power and i'll take a hold of fate's hand.
This is the end of one part of my life and a beginning of another. Wish me luck!
Christina the Dreamer
7.14.2007
He Said I Was Bold
I flew these past two weeks. It wasn't easy but I soared. I reached a destination that changed my life, my perspective, and my soul.
Sometimes you need to listen to music and sit still. You close your eyes and let your body breathe through the sounds, the tones, the voices, the moments of breath between words.
In my personal life I've been analyzing things. Most of the time, analyzing shouldn't occur. Things should be seen for what they are. Some moments shouldn't be taken so seriously or too loosely. Those moments are just who, what, where, or when. The WHY comes later.
I laid on the floor today and listened to a song. I didn't even really listen to it. I let it soak. I didn't analyze the lyrics or the chord progressions. I just bathed in the simplicity of what it was. I danced today in my own time. I danced today because my body talked to me. It said not to speak, not to think, not to analyze. You walk blindly through life- why not blindly let yourself move? Why can't we just feel? Why are we so afraid?
I can effortlessly let a song take me places. I can dance fiercely and I can make moves out of thin air.
Life is made from the moves you make. It's a dance. You feel it then you do it. You just do it. If you deeply feel it the way a song touches the places inside my heart to create a dance, then you don't analyze. There's only doing it or letting ht moment pass.
Yesterday, I made a move. I created a dance. I made a decision and let all the chips fall.
He said that I was bold.
Thank you.
I feel more bold than ever.
Sometimes you need to listen to music and sit still. You close your eyes and let your body breathe through the sounds, the tones, the voices, the moments of breath between words.
In my personal life I've been analyzing things. Most of the time, analyzing shouldn't occur. Things should be seen for what they are. Some moments shouldn't be taken so seriously or too loosely. Those moments are just who, what, where, or when. The WHY comes later.
I laid on the floor today and listened to a song. I didn't even really listen to it. I let it soak. I didn't analyze the lyrics or the chord progressions. I just bathed in the simplicity of what it was. I danced today in my own time. I danced today because my body talked to me. It said not to speak, not to think, not to analyze. You walk blindly through life- why not blindly let yourself move? Why can't we just feel? Why are we so afraid?
I can effortlessly let a song take me places. I can dance fiercely and I can make moves out of thin air.
Life is made from the moves you make. It's a dance. You feel it then you do it. You just do it. If you deeply feel it the way a song touches the places inside my heart to create a dance, then you don't analyze. There's only doing it or letting ht moment pass.
Yesterday, I made a move. I created a dance. I made a decision and let all the chips fall.
He said that I was bold.
Thank you.
I feel more bold than ever.
7.12.2007
I Don't Like Bad Moments
Hello cyber folk--
We are getting closer to the end. Tomorrow is the performance and I'm ready.
I've had so many incidents these past 2 weeks that could have potentially ruined this amazing experience. But I realize that I am the only one that can make this experience worthwhile for me. No matter how many times I've failed, no matter how many times i've felt discouraged, and no matter how many times i've danced intolerably, I came out of it and made the experience what it was. There were other people who were trying to make it bad, there were people getting frustrated, and people who brought their personal issues into the mix. I feel as if I finally get the concept that I make the moments into good ones or bad ones. The way my attitude reacts to a situation or moment is the way I will perceive that moments forever. And personally, I don't really like bad moments.
With my foot acting up again, I feel like a well deserved break is needed. Professional dancers don't even dance as much as we do unless they are machines. I'm coming to the point where exhaustion is overtaking my brain. I can function, but in a few days I will be laying in my bed watching movies and pigging out.
I don't have many profound words to say today. I feel that my body is more profound than ever. I've gained technique and i've learned ways to choreograph. But the more time I spend figuring out my own body as one blank canvas, the more I learn about myself. And that in itself is profound. When you watch dancers, you can tell the dancers who are wise and those who are still young. You watch Dawn and you know that she's a wise dancer. You look at Nick and you see wisdom. You see Aaron and you just don't expect those moves to come out of that tiny little body. But you see me and it looks like I have so much more to learn-- and i'm okay with that.
I look foward to being 35 and dancing. It'll be completely different dance than I'm dancing now, but the only difference will be wisdom.
We are getting closer to the end. Tomorrow is the performance and I'm ready.
I've had so many incidents these past 2 weeks that could have potentially ruined this amazing experience. But I realize that I am the only one that can make this experience worthwhile for me. No matter how many times I've failed, no matter how many times i've felt discouraged, and no matter how many times i've danced intolerably, I came out of it and made the experience what it was. There were other people who were trying to make it bad, there were people getting frustrated, and people who brought their personal issues into the mix. I feel as if I finally get the concept that I make the moments into good ones or bad ones. The way my attitude reacts to a situation or moment is the way I will perceive that moments forever. And personally, I don't really like bad moments.
With my foot acting up again, I feel like a well deserved break is needed. Professional dancers don't even dance as much as we do unless they are machines. I'm coming to the point where exhaustion is overtaking my brain. I can function, but in a few days I will be laying in my bed watching movies and pigging out.
I don't have many profound words to say today. I feel that my body is more profound than ever. I've gained technique and i've learned ways to choreograph. But the more time I spend figuring out my own body as one blank canvas, the more I learn about myself. And that in itself is profound. When you watch dancers, you can tell the dancers who are wise and those who are still young. You watch Dawn and you know that she's a wise dancer. You look at Nick and you see wisdom. You see Aaron and you just don't expect those moves to come out of that tiny little body. But you see me and it looks like I have so much more to learn-- and i'm okay with that.
I look foward to being 35 and dancing. It'll be completely different dance than I'm dancing now, but the only difference will be wisdom.
7.11.2007
Videos Galore!
Dancing in the Library
Bowling with Dancers
Another Blog
Another Blog Continued
Wednesday Morning
The I MISS LIST
Bowling with Dancers
Another Blog
Another Blog Continued
Wednesday Morning
The I MISS LIST
7.10.2007
fourdayupdate
Saturday: We had a full day of dancing which is rare. I don’t remember the last time I danced on a Saturday. It’s not sacred or anything. Just felt a little weird. It definitely threw my body clock for a weird spin. Later, Sarah and Gusta fell off the face of earth so Madge and I were sitting around in the dorm wondering what we could do. We didn’t want to do anything crazy and we had no car. We took out our packets that were given to us at the beginning of the program and we found that there was a student union with a BOWLING ALLEY in it! So we went bowling. It was fun!
Sunday: FRISCO! Besides the fact that we got lost once and it took us a good 4 hours to get there, frisco was beautiful and spectacular. The weather was perfect. The city was perfect. The day was perfect. We parked at fisherman’s wharf and took a cable car to union square where we spent the majority of the day. My favorite part was when I found a little music store upstairs through some weird door and it was sheet music heaven! They had everything. I bought the Wild Party. I know... I’m bad. BUT I HAD TO! Anyways, we took the cable car back up, but we stopped once in Chinatown. That place is awesome too. 59 cent boba. Yum. Then we went back to the wharf, did some last minute shopping, and then went to go pick up Dawn in Castro. I LOVE CASTRO! If I could, I would live there. It’s gay town and ya’ll know how much I love the gays! People are lovers there. I love it. Dawn got us back on the freeway. I’m not sure how many U-turns we took, but we took a lot of them. The ride home was so much fun for me. I’m not sure if it was for anyone else but we got to pick apart Dawn’s brain and also show the side of us that we don’t show during dance class. I had too much energy and Madge was getting mad at me. I was playing all my favorite Janet songs off my ipod to keep everyone awake and I was singing at the top of my lungs. It was all for Gusta. She had a long drive home and I knew my job was to keep her awake. Then the 99 came to a complete stop at around 10:15 at night. That was definitely interesting. So we got back at about 11:15. YAY!
Monday: Just another dance day. The days are going by faster. We learned the basics of break dancing today. It was pretty insane. I need some more practice. And the biggest news yet—NICK knows my name now! He said it in class today. I was so happy. Can I just say that? Cause I’m pretty quiet. I don’t really mosey in with the in-crowd. So the fact that he knows my name is pretty amazing.
Today: It’s getting closer and closer to our performance day and they are working us hard. I had a problem with my stomach this morning so I’ve been holding off on certain foods. My bad foot also started acting up today. It gave me a scare but I’m still dancing on it. So hopefully I’ll be okay the rest of the week. Dawn taught her last technique class today. Made me super sad. I love her classes. Aaron has tomorrow and Nick has Thursday. Aaron and Dawn leave Friday after the performance which is SUPER sad. They’ve made the experience so memorable.
I think the struggle now is to keep going. We know the steps, we know where to go, we know what we have to do. It’s now up to us to make it look good, to dance it to our full potential, and to not half-ass it.
Whew… that was a lot.
This week is gonna go by fast. I feel it. I’m going to make the most of it. Starting with a shower and a good sleep. Peace out homies!
ckayyyy
Sunday: FRISCO! Besides the fact that we got lost once and it took us a good 4 hours to get there, frisco was beautiful and spectacular. The weather was perfect. The city was perfect. The day was perfect. We parked at fisherman’s wharf and took a cable car to union square where we spent the majority of the day. My favorite part was when I found a little music store upstairs through some weird door and it was sheet music heaven! They had everything. I bought the Wild Party. I know... I’m bad. BUT I HAD TO! Anyways, we took the cable car back up, but we stopped once in Chinatown. That place is awesome too. 59 cent boba. Yum. Then we went back to the wharf, did some last minute shopping, and then went to go pick up Dawn in Castro. I LOVE CASTRO! If I could, I would live there. It’s gay town and ya’ll know how much I love the gays! People are lovers there. I love it. Dawn got us back on the freeway. I’m not sure how many U-turns we took, but we took a lot of them. The ride home was so much fun for me. I’m not sure if it was for anyone else but we got to pick apart Dawn’s brain and also show the side of us that we don’t show during dance class. I had too much energy and Madge was getting mad at me. I was playing all my favorite Janet songs off my ipod to keep everyone awake and I was singing at the top of my lungs. It was all for Gusta. She had a long drive home and I knew my job was to keep her awake. Then the 99 came to a complete stop at around 10:15 at night. That was definitely interesting. So we got back at about 11:15. YAY!
Monday: Just another dance day. The days are going by faster. We learned the basics of break dancing today. It was pretty insane. I need some more practice. And the biggest news yet—NICK knows my name now! He said it in class today. I was so happy. Can I just say that? Cause I’m pretty quiet. I don’t really mosey in with the in-crowd. So the fact that he knows my name is pretty amazing.
Today: It’s getting closer and closer to our performance day and they are working us hard. I had a problem with my stomach this morning so I’ve been holding off on certain foods. My bad foot also started acting up today. It gave me a scare but I’m still dancing on it. So hopefully I’ll be okay the rest of the week. Dawn taught her last technique class today. Made me super sad. I love her classes. Aaron has tomorrow and Nick has Thursday. Aaron and Dawn leave Friday after the performance which is SUPER sad. They’ve made the experience so memorable.
I think the struggle now is to keep going. We know the steps, we know where to go, we know what we have to do. It’s now up to us to make it look good, to dance it to our full potential, and to not half-ass it.
Whew… that was a lot.
This week is gonna go by fast. I feel it. I’m going to make the most of it. Starting with a shower and a good sleep. Peace out homies!
ckayyyy
7.07.2007
And So The Week Ends...
It doesn't feel like a saturday today. I can't believe we only have a few days left to dance. Dawn taught the technique class this morning but you should have seen everybody. We all had bags under our eyes, we were all sleeping during yoga class, and we all looked like we needed a break. First off, at the end of yoga class Lorelai who is the instructor, lead us into a deep relaxation period of a just about 6-10 minutes where you lay completely still. Today you heard bouts of snoring all around the room. I thought it was pretty funny but I admit I did fall asleep. But I didn't snore. After that class we had technique and thank GOD for Dawn. She gave us a somewhat easy routine that was slow and relaxing but also sensual.
We had an easy day today. The biggest surprise was composition class. Nick was teaching about musicality in dance. When music comes on, what moves you? Do you move to the beat, or the words, or neither?
I say this was a surprise because in my journal last night, I had written that I wanted to create a dance like a song. I wanted to have the dynamics you'd find in a song to be melted together in dance form.
So we made a circle and he put on different songs from different genres and whatever and whenever we felt like something was moving us, you'd go in the circle and do your thing. It was all improv. Rufus Wainwright came on and I didn't feel anything. A few more songs... nothing. I am a big music person when it comes to dance. If I don't have the right song, I don't feel it as much in my body. I think it's the michael jackson, gloria estefan, and irene cara type of music that I grew up on that really installed this hesitance or picky-ness in dance music. But then a hip hop song came on and of course the 4 san marcos girls joined in and got the party started. Then a gwen stefani song came on after and I just started jumping. Just jumping. I felt like jumping so I did and I guess I sort of started a moving mosh pit after nick fell in it with me. So that was pretty cool.
But what I learned about myself and about the type of musicality I look for in dance is not all uncommon. As a musician I look for good music with amazing lyrics-- it has to be unique and in a league of its own for me to really LOVE music. As a dancer, I look for the different sounds that I can make choreography to. If a piano has a certain riff, I am attracted to it because I'm not dancing to the sound of the voice singing, but to something in the background.
I hope that makes sense.
When I was younger, I would choreograph a dance to Footloose and have cute little movements and throw a cartwheel in there. I now have to have meaning behind movements. A song is a song, but when choosing a reason and a purpose to make a dance, I want to be able to mix in strong movements and strong meanings.
Anyways, i'm going to veg out tonight. I'm ready to take a shower and maybe start choreographing something. But I must say that it's nice to be alone for once. I have nothing against the girls. I love them with all my heart. But I don't think I have ever missed BOYS so much in my life. We have 3 guys in our class and all of them are GAY. They are precious, but I miss my guy friends. I really do. No joke. The hormones are getting to be too much for me. I also miss my roommate.
Tomorrow is Frisco day! I'm stoked. we're leaving at 7 and taking a drive. I think Dawn is there right now so she might hitch a ride back with us. Which means it'll be a little crowded but her company will make it all worth it. She's amazing. And any time to spend with her and pick apart her mind will be an amazing experience.
I'll be sure to take pictures.
Mucho Love-o
Ck
We had an easy day today. The biggest surprise was composition class. Nick was teaching about musicality in dance. When music comes on, what moves you? Do you move to the beat, or the words, or neither?
I say this was a surprise because in my journal last night, I had written that I wanted to create a dance like a song. I wanted to have the dynamics you'd find in a song to be melted together in dance form.
So we made a circle and he put on different songs from different genres and whatever and whenever we felt like something was moving us, you'd go in the circle and do your thing. It was all improv. Rufus Wainwright came on and I didn't feel anything. A few more songs... nothing. I am a big music person when it comes to dance. If I don't have the right song, I don't feel it as much in my body. I think it's the michael jackson, gloria estefan, and irene cara type of music that I grew up on that really installed this hesitance or picky-ness in dance music. But then a hip hop song came on and of course the 4 san marcos girls joined in and got the party started. Then a gwen stefani song came on after and I just started jumping. Just jumping. I felt like jumping so I did and I guess I sort of started a moving mosh pit after nick fell in it with me. So that was pretty cool.
But what I learned about myself and about the type of musicality I look for in dance is not all uncommon. As a musician I look for good music with amazing lyrics-- it has to be unique and in a league of its own for me to really LOVE music. As a dancer, I look for the different sounds that I can make choreography to. If a piano has a certain riff, I am attracted to it because I'm not dancing to the sound of the voice singing, but to something in the background.
I hope that makes sense.
When I was younger, I would choreograph a dance to Footloose and have cute little movements and throw a cartwheel in there. I now have to have meaning behind movements. A song is a song, but when choosing a reason and a purpose to make a dance, I want to be able to mix in strong movements and strong meanings.
Anyways, i'm going to veg out tonight. I'm ready to take a shower and maybe start choreographing something. But I must say that it's nice to be alone for once. I have nothing against the girls. I love them with all my heart. But I don't think I have ever missed BOYS so much in my life. We have 3 guys in our class and all of them are GAY. They are precious, but I miss my guy friends. I really do. No joke. The hormones are getting to be too much for me. I also miss my roommate.
Tomorrow is Frisco day! I'm stoked. we're leaving at 7 and taking a drive. I think Dawn is there right now so she might hitch a ride back with us. Which means it'll be a little crowded but her company will make it all worth it. She's amazing. And any time to spend with her and pick apart her mind will be an amazing experience.
I'll be sure to take pictures.
Mucho Love-o
Ck
7.06.2007
Fry Day-- Get it?
I don't think I can write much today. Yesterday is still ringing in my mind. Nothing beats yesterday's experience. So I made 2 video blogs today in case I got stuck with my writing.
One thing I did discuss with the girls today was the different style between Mia and Nicholas Leichter. Nick and Mia have 2 completely different styles. As a dancer, I connected with Mia. You look in her eyes and she looks right back at you and looks straight into your heart. Her choreography reflects that freedom or hippie-dom that I love. She even said that she wants to start a Mia Academy with a whole bunch of hippies roaming around. Nick is different. You look at him and he expects you to give him what he wants.
If I were ready to move on to bigger and better things as a dancer, I would really have to do my research of who I want to work with. What is MY style? Which choreographers could I work with that would help benefit me and would also benefit them?
It's good i'm getting the experience now with Nick because I know that it's just not my thing. I love dancing to his style, and dancing his repertory. I just wouldn't want to do it for a living.
Note to self: check out dance companies in Europe. Everyone has been suggesting them.
Here are my video blogs:
One thing I did discuss with the girls today was the different style between Mia and Nicholas Leichter. Nick and Mia have 2 completely different styles. As a dancer, I connected with Mia. You look in her eyes and she looks right back at you and looks straight into your heart. Her choreography reflects that freedom or hippie-dom that I love. She even said that she wants to start a Mia Academy with a whole bunch of hippies roaming around. Nick is different. You look at him and he expects you to give him what he wants.
If I were ready to move on to bigger and better things as a dancer, I would really have to do my research of who I want to work with. What is MY style? Which choreographers could I work with that would help benefit me and would also benefit them?
It's good i'm getting the experience now with Nick because I know that it's just not my thing. I love dancing to his style, and dancing his repertory. I just wouldn't want to do it for a living.
Note to self: check out dance companies in Europe. Everyone has been suggesting them.
Here are my video blogs:
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About Me
- I am Christina.
- The day my mother gave me wings was the day I started learning how to fly. I'm now realizing that it takes a lifetime to learn how to soar. This is my journey. Well, a part of it.