Heart Talk.

I love listening to the heart. I've said it before but i'll say it again-- Every time my heart and my head get into an argument, i'm almost certain that my heart will win 99.9% of the time.

Today I had this moment where my heart surrendered. It was the craziest moment. All I heard it say was "Use Me."

It got me thinking.

I hate being used in any relationship. I hate using people. I try not to do it as often as possible. I like relying on myself. I'm the most reliable person I know. But when it comes to USING someone I think a lot of people try to stay away. When you use each other, especially in closer relationships, it always ends up complicated and knotted up.

However.

The only relationship i'd want to be used in is the one I have with God. I want to be used by God to do a lot of things. I can only imagine that He can make amazing things happen.

I don't know.

I was just thinking about it and in my head. The thought of Him using me just seems like a privlege. Something that my heart just yearns for right now.

A Morning Glimpse

This is love. Waking up with a great song. Listening to the soft piano. Folky guitar. Airy voice. Laying in bed. Staring up at the ceiling. Watching my fan slowly spin. Feeling the soft touch of air on my body. As the light slowly creeps through my window. Not a worry. Comfortable. Nowhere to be. Just me. A great song. And my ceiling.

Post Tour Reflection

I look at that picture and I feel so privileged. I admire every one of those boys for what they do. I feel so lucky to be able to travel with them but also to be a part of the audience and listen to what they've created. I feel so blessed to be a part of the FoF Team and I hope that I can keep touring with them.


Before the tour, I was in a state of insanity. My mom had just been laid off and had to get major abdominal surgery. I can't even tell you how hard it is to be an only child of a single mother. Most of the time its easy but now that i'm older i'm seeing things evolve. So, before the tour I had my mom, my classes, work, plus a dance performance. Never had I felt so alone-- It was like all the strength was sucked out of me.


Once I finished school, I went straight on the tour and it saved me. The change of people, of rhythm, of scenery, of everything helped me to remember that God provides. I felt as if I hit the point where I couldn't do anything but surrender. And when I did, God gave me this tour. Never did I feel uncomfortable (i'm not counting the time when that guy asked for my number...) and I always felt safe. I never thought i'd be a part of something so special.



From my perspective, every person in the band is different and they all mean something special to me.


BenJammin (top left), me, Logan, E, & Teej. Liz is there in spirit. Urban Rescue toured with us too. I'm glad they did.

Now i'm at home. I'm deep in my thoughts and all I can think is-- some people say that high school or college was the time of their life. I can proudly say that I hated high school and college is hard. But the time of my life? The time of my life was spent on the road with FoF. And i'm pretty sure that there will be more to come.

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Cleaning up. Tired. Rough gig. Hopefully tomorrow's is better. Its the last show.

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E and liz and i are here at starbies. relaxing morning. Chill.

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once and a tea-cino.

Videos Videos Videos

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Balboa park. The great outdoors. Breathe it in!

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I Won't Let You Know

Alright. It's been a while since I've written. I can't explain how rough of a semester it has been. There have been a lot of curve balls and unexpected circumstances that I couldn't have seen coming. I'm worn out. I'm tired. And i'm relieved to feel the end creeping near. I'm on my last week of classes and I only have one final. My days vary in happiness. Today is not much of a happy day. I think I just failed my Japanese test and I figured out that I can only go on one part of the FoF Tour. But it's wednesday and tomorrow is thursday which is one day closer to a weekend of fun & music.

Life is certainly a sequence of events that force you to grow. However, I think my life has been a sequence of events that have forced me to deal with circumstances far beyond my maturity level. What's funny about it all is that i'm always in search for a new adventure. An enjoyable adventure with little known hardships along the way. It doesn't work that way, of course.

Now, I will leave you with the wise, wise words of Rachael Yamagata. This is how I feel. Verbatim.

"Would you please get out from under my skin cause I can't begin this yet. And I don't know what my intensions are. They're speaking in a different tongue. Deep inside i'm not as tough as I seem but, I won't let you know. Until it's right i'm gonna stay my distance and you should go."

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Where Does My Strength Lie?

I look back on places in my life where I had to be strong. When I think back on how I felt I really can't recall much except that I wanted someone there with me. Someone to help me through it. Someone to hold my hand through it all. And its not until later that I realize that I felt that way because I felt alone. But even with someone there with me I still felt pretty much alone because I was going through whatever it was I was going through.

But it makes sense doesn't it? Strength comes from those experiences that make you face your own demons.

Right now i'm at a point where i'm looking ahead at what's to come and all i'm wondering is if I can really make it through. I just keep asking myself "where does my strength lie?"

The unknown seems so adventurous when you're looking at it from a distance but when it's staring at you right in the face it just starts looking like a big black hole that has no end.

Hollywood & Highland: New and the Same

There's something about the city. There's something about it that beckons me to come. I thought I wanted out and I thought that I'd never want it back. Then all of a sudden, one night in the throws of the city lights, the glow on my skin, the footprints and hand prints of people I admire, walking the streets with spiderman, superman, Jesus, and my friends-- It all made me feel at home, weirdly. I don't know why I felt comfortable, but I did. I think I realize that L.A. is where I was raised. High rise buildings, the Hollywood Bowl with John Maucceri, the theaters, the history, the asians, it's what i'm familiar with. That's something that will never leave me.

I'm always searching for something new--something bold. I've always followed my curious, independent senses. I never thought about what's been familiar to me and how interesting it is. There's something new within the familiar? Whoddathunkit.

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Tom Everett Scott! Very nice guy.

I Bet You Can Speak Japanese Better Than Me

I've been bothered lately. Bothered by Japanese. Yes, Japanese. My first language, half of my ethnic background, and the only kind of food I ate until I left for college.

I've been finding it more and more difficult to learn Japanese. Or should I say RE-learn Japanese. And I think i finally have the words to explain why.

"You may note that the potential form of ru-verbs are considerably longer than those of the u-verbs, which happen to end in the hiragana ru. There actually are shorter alternative potential forms of ru-verbs and the irregular verb kuru, which are made by adding the suffix -reru, instead of -rareru. These ra-less forms are gaining popularity, but are considered slightly substandard."

-Pg 10 from Genki 2: an intergrated course in elementary japanese

I'm sorry? Come again? Can you say that in Japanese and maybe i'll understand.

Here's another reason why Japanese is kicking my ass.

I'm sitting in Japanese class today and the teacher picks me to answer a question. What's was the question?

Ano eiga wo mite nakimashita. (I cried during that movie.)

Not really a question... but I had to reply. So I said...

Jya, mini ikutoki watashi wa tissue wo mottekimasu. (When I go watch it i'll bring tissues.)

I took a stab at it. I just said what came to my head. But I WAS WRONG! She called on another girl who said...

Mitemimasu. (I'll watch it.)

So just like that I made a fool out of myself. A fool who loves movies that make her cry. (Hey, 2 words-- Steel Magnolius.)

These things frustrate me. Japanese was my first language. But these people are getting A's and speaking the language because they are reading the book and ACTUALLY GETTING IT. I once owned a t-shirt from Japan that said "Comfor Table." This book, in my opinion, is sort of like that shirt. Just visit Engrish.com. Instead of trying to make sense, these writers are tyring to sound smart. Again, Just visit Engrish.com.

I say things because it sounds right in my head. I don't know which verbs are ru or u or irregular. Once they start training you with note cards and asking you about te-form and ta-form and potential and particles and volitional and blah blah blah... my brain gets tied up in a knot. I literally hear my brain make fart noises in class.

That's my spiel. I'll leave you with the emotion i'm feeling right now.

Falsley Accused

I've been falsely accused for something. I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. I guess i'm learning something new about myself.

My roommates argue. A lot. It's actually pretty abnormal. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Most of the time I walk up to my room or sit still and try not to be noticed. I try to close the door if i'm sitting in my room. I try to avoid all eye contact in those circumstances.

Last night, they came up with reasons why they were were fighting so much and one of the reasons was because "I had said that they fought a lot."

I don't see why the fighting is my fault. This really bugs me. They are the ones saying they fight. They are the ones doing the arguing. So why is it that i'm at fault? Why am I sitting in a puddle of blame.

I was really hurt last night. So now i'm just sitting in my room. Feeling sort of sick. Feeling sort of cornered. Feeling alone.

The cure for this: well, right now i'm gonna go watch He's Just Not That Into You by myself. I need a good chick flick.

Panera Vlog

I Wait For Things

I got a mac. That's basically all this blog is about. I love my mac. I take it to school with me everyday. I named it. Yes, I named it. Currently it's Darcy. But there is also Frankie and Charlie. I haven't made up my mind yet. For now, it'll just be Darcy or Mr. Darcy depending on what mood i'm in. I'm planning to take it to panera on saturday to do some homework and meet up with friends to brainstorm for our next video. This mac is my baby.

I've been waiting for a lot of things in my life. In fact, i'm still waiting for a lot of things. For example, a car. I would love a car.

The things I really want take time. Because of this, I appreciate.

Big Strong Girl

I haven't written in a while. My life isn't all exciting to write about right now. It's stressful and i'm trying not to eat my way out of it this time. I am, however, highly reliant on coffee and caffiene related things. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep and i've been spending way over the legal amount of hours that I should be spending at school. By the way, I think all schools should give us a max time that we are allowed to be at school based upon the classes we are taking. They should also give us free mac computers and free food or gas--our pick of course.

I've been spending my small amount of free time with my movies and tv shows such as Gilmore Girls and Arrested Development. Yes, I can watch both of them. No, not at the same time.

I've been listening to a lot of the Weepies. Deb Talan, the girl of the group, has a lot of solo stuff. Amazing. Her writing is so confusing. At first you just read it and you're kind of skimming. But then you hit something in the middle of it that makes you read it from the top again and you sit there amazed that you could miss such words. Such wisdom.

I like to read her lyrics like a conversation. Give it a try. It makes more sense some times.

Big Strong Girl

It's not now or never. It's not black and it's not white. Anything worth anything takes more than a few days and a long, long night. Don't push so hard against the world, no, no. You can't do it all alone and if you could would you really want to? Even though you're a big strong girl come on, come on, lay it down. The best made plans are your open hands. Rest your head. You've got two pillows to choose from in a queen-sized bed. Hold out for the moon but don't expect connection any time soon. Feel the light caress your fingertips. You have just begun, the word has only left your lips. Maybe in time, you will find your arms are wrapped around the sun. You're wrapped around the sun.

Individoubt

I feel like two sides of myself are fighting right now. In this point of my life I feel like I want approval from others but I also want to just find my individuality. I want for people to like what I do, especially artistically, and at the same time I want to let my voice speak out the way I see it.

I'm having such a difficult time with this right now. You know when your heart sinks into itself a little? It's a mixture of frustration and low self esteem. I'm not sure who I am in times like these. I just want to play my guitar and hope that out of that, something will appear. Maybe words, a mood, a thought. Anything. A starting point.

The last thing I want to do is doubt myself.