7.14.2008
7.11.2008
7.07.2008
Tell Me What To Say- John Mayer
I know its early
and you harldy even know me but,
i want your love so bad, so bad
im bound to fuck it up
could you tell me what to say?
you must have heard that line about your eyes a million times
and now your holding out to hear about your chin
i bet that that could get me in, let me in
could you tell me what to say?
tell me what to say...
when you were young and playing princess in your mother's dress
into the mirror dreaming what your prince would say
i know you still remember to this day
could you tell me what to say?
and sure its not fair
i might lose all self respect
those who say i should be myself
they have obviously never met you yet
i can tell by the way your eyes roll
the way you stab the ice in your glass
that its over
i can see you signaling to a friend
whispering make this end
you should have told me what to say
tell me what to say
tell me what to say
[He claims that this song is still in the primitive stage but I love the imagery. Stabbing ice cubes. That's my favorite part.]
I went to the bathroom and I realized I had more to say on the subject of songwriting.
I'm a person who loves to learn about what she loves. Music is one. Songwriting another. John Mayer hits me in the heart with his songwriting and as time goes by I see his songwriting taking some turns. There's songs like the one above where he basically tells a story. Most of his songs are just that; stories of wordy length and detailed circumstances. I like those because I can imagine everything he's saying in my head. However, some of his newer songs are getting simpler and simpler. Take Gravity for example:
Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
(repeat)
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me how can thet be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where, keep me where the light is
He takes gravity and makes it into a universal concept that can pertain to many different circumstances. It's very different compared to his story telling songs. And if you haven't heard this song, you're missing out. The first little riff you hear melts you instantly. Ugh...
I really want to write songs and love them as much as I love other people's songs but... I haven't found my niche yet. I guess it'll come in time. For now, I'll just listen up and learn. There's only a few songwriters that I really love John Mayer being one of them, Rachael Yamagata, Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes, and others...
Words are amazing when used in way you've never seen them used.
and you harldy even know me but,
i want your love so bad, so bad
im bound to fuck it up
could you tell me what to say?
you must have heard that line about your eyes a million times
and now your holding out to hear about your chin
i bet that that could get me in, let me in
could you tell me what to say?
tell me what to say...
when you were young and playing princess in your mother's dress
into the mirror dreaming what your prince would say
i know you still remember to this day
could you tell me what to say?
and sure its not fair
i might lose all self respect
those who say i should be myself
they have obviously never met you yet
i can tell by the way your eyes roll
the way you stab the ice in your glass
that its over
i can see you signaling to a friend
whispering make this end
you should have told me what to say
tell me what to say
tell me what to say
[He claims that this song is still in the primitive stage but I love the imagery. Stabbing ice cubes. That's my favorite part.]
I went to the bathroom and I realized I had more to say on the subject of songwriting.
I'm a person who loves to learn about what she loves. Music is one. Songwriting another. John Mayer hits me in the heart with his songwriting and as time goes by I see his songwriting taking some turns. There's songs like the one above where he basically tells a story. Most of his songs are just that; stories of wordy length and detailed circumstances. I like those because I can imagine everything he's saying in my head. However, some of his newer songs are getting simpler and simpler. Take Gravity for example:
Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
(repeat)
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me how can thet be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where, keep me where the light is
He takes gravity and makes it into a universal concept that can pertain to many different circumstances. It's very different compared to his story telling songs. And if you haven't heard this song, you're missing out. The first little riff you hear melts you instantly. Ugh...
I really want to write songs and love them as much as I love other people's songs but... I haven't found my niche yet. I guess it'll come in time. For now, I'll just listen up and learn. There's only a few songwriters that I really love John Mayer being one of them, Rachael Yamagata, Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes, and others...
Words are amazing when used in way you've never seen them used.
7.02.2008
Divorces Online... GAG ME
So I'm at work and I'm looking up legal support services online for the company i'm working for and I found a business where you can get divorced online...
First off, whoever Will Rogers is-- he is crazy insane. Maybe people's consciences are wrong at times, but he is just insinuating that we should lose all faith in ourselves. That quote made me puke in my mouth a little bit. I've never been through any kind of legal matter except for my parent's divorce and even then, I was too young to understand. Nevertheless, I'd hope that my self confidence when going through a tough, legally binding situation would be strong enough to not have to rely on lawyers in order to make me think i'll have a clear conscience. I know that it's hard. I've seen divorce happen to so many people around me to know what kind of hardships coincide with separation. However, I think relying on lawyers wholly and not even a bit on your own heart and mind is a crime in itself. You're screaming 'MERCY!' before you even grabbed your opponent's hand.
Now, I don't know about you but all of this online and cell phones and crap is really making me lose faith in the fact that two people can love each other forever. I mean... how do we make things work when most of the communication between couples or people in general is done by myspace and text messages? What happened to sitting or standing in front of people and speaking to them face to face? Am I completely prehistoric to say that all of this technology is making us become impersonal persons? We have it so easy now that we're losing our worth, the deepest thing that make us human. We're losing the human connection. To get a phone call from that special someone is now the equivalent of holding hands. When did that happen? I don't like it.
All this to say, I don't want to divorce... and if I did, I wouldn't be a coward and do it online. Too impersonal.
From now on i'm going to try to spend more time with people face to face rather than on the phone.
Screw you Will Rogers. Maybe you should have listened to your heart a little more. I'm pretty sure it'll tell you to shut up.
"People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide." - Will Rogers
"It used to be hard to get a do it yourself divorce, but not anymore. Now, you can File For Divorce with The Divorce Do It Yourself Service. Our service is recommended by many local county courts and if you are filing for an uncontested divorce, we can help you prepare your documents. We offer Do It Yourself Divorce Services to everyday people and provide you with state specific forms that are specialized to meet the requirements of your state. Each state is unique, so don't be fooled by those nationwide kits and programs. When compared to the price of a lawyer, the cost of our Do It Yourself Divorce Services and Divorce forms are unbeatable."
http://www.document-do-it-yourself-service.com/ (see for yourself)First off, whoever Will Rogers is-- he is crazy insane. Maybe people's consciences are wrong at times, but he is just insinuating that we should lose all faith in ourselves. That quote made me puke in my mouth a little bit. I've never been through any kind of legal matter except for my parent's divorce and even then, I was too young to understand. Nevertheless, I'd hope that my self confidence when going through a tough, legally binding situation would be strong enough to not have to rely on lawyers in order to make me think i'll have a clear conscience. I know that it's hard. I've seen divorce happen to so many people around me to know what kind of hardships coincide with separation. However, I think relying on lawyers wholly and not even a bit on your own heart and mind is a crime in itself. You're screaming 'MERCY!' before you even grabbed your opponent's hand.
Now, I don't know about you but all of this online and cell phones and crap is really making me lose faith in the fact that two people can love each other forever. I mean... how do we make things work when most of the communication between couples or people in general is done by myspace and text messages? What happened to sitting or standing in front of people and speaking to them face to face? Am I completely prehistoric to say that all of this technology is making us become impersonal persons? We have it so easy now that we're losing our worth, the deepest thing that make us human. We're losing the human connection. To get a phone call from that special someone is now the equivalent of holding hands. When did that happen? I don't like it.
All this to say, I don't want to divorce... and if I did, I wouldn't be a coward and do it online. Too impersonal.
From now on i'm going to try to spend more time with people face to face rather than on the phone.
Screw you Will Rogers. Maybe you should have listened to your heart a little more. I'm pretty sure it'll tell you to shut up.
7.01.2008
The Ugly Life Box
This morning I woke up from a dream. In this dream, I died. Some girl shot me. When I woke up, I had this insane urge to clean my room. Well, at least a little bit of throwing away of trash and finding a place for things that never had a home.
I took down a box I had stored in my closet. When I opened it I realized I forgot how important this one box was. From the outside I thought it was going to be trash—it’s a cardboard box that was used for moving purposes. I opened it and found treasures. It’s that moment that I started thinking…
If I died, this box would tell my story. I look around my room and everything has my fingerprints on it. If someone didn’t know me and walked into my room, they would figure it out quickly. My movies consist of mostly happy endings with the exception of funny girl and sweet charity both of which I’ve only watched once. I have a guitar out of its case and a chord cart on my wall. If anything, you could probably figure me out by what music I have in my itunes collection. I have a ballet dancer poster even though I am not much of a ballet dancer any more. There are so many clues in this room that would give you depth behind my outer appearance.
However, this one box carries memories that go far beyond the inner and into the core of me. And it caught me off guard and got me thinking… You know, I haven’t done much in this life. At least not much in my book. It’s all because the expectations I have for myself in the future. I haven’t experienced any of it. If I died today, right now, I would only have what I’ve been through to define who I was. All I’ve done is go through my life one chapter to the next and trying to get to that next level. I have never sulked or soaked in parts of my journey. I’ve always wanted to fall, get up, and get going. I’m not sure if that’s healthy but like I said, I had and still have high expectations for my life and I would do anything to just keep the ball rolling.
It’s kind of hard to write this blog in all of its honesty.
There’s this one part of me that I love. I love that I do things with meaning. I love to find the meaning in everything and I hate to do things without a meaning behind them. My life is full of meaning. Finding and opening that ugly box this morning really showed me, me. I thought about decorating the box, maybe making a collage or wrapping it with pretty wallpaper but I discarded those ideas. I love the ugly life box. It’s so me. An unfinished story, the ugly duckling, the crazy dreamer. But what’s inside? You’ll never know till I die. Let’s not hope that that happens soon.
6.26.2008
6.25.2008
Multimedia message
6.22.2008
6.21.2008
On Going North
I admit it. I've been home sick. Home sick for all that I used to know. Sick and tired of being so far away from my closest friends and not remembering what it was like to just enjoy the company of people that I have grown up with.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been friendless. Loneliness is the best way to describe it. There was no excitement in hello's or goodbye's or even plans in the near future. I've been so alone.
So finally I decided to do something about it and came up to San Gabriel; my hometown (and proud of it even if its whole entire contents of when I first started living here has been swapped out with asian plazas and well... asian everything). I got to see one of my best friends AC perform his singing stuff. I got hang with Andy. I got to see a ton of other people who randomly started showing up slowly and slowly. I guess it happens on a normal basis... evone was used to it but me. OH! And Edgar and I won a round a beer pong against AC and Andy! woot. PLUS! Today I get to see Claire, Jamie, and Steph which I can't really describe how happy that makes me feel.
It's good to remember where you came from. I'm stilla firm believer is going out and exploring life. But sometimes, you just need a weekend to go to a place where people really know who you are and are excited to see you and vise versa. I feel loved.
I've made a lot of good decisions in my life. I've made a whole lot more bad ones too. But the decision to come here, I must say, has been one the best decisions i've made in my life. I don't say this often but...
I'm proud of myself.
I need to do this more often. Seriously.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been friendless. Loneliness is the best way to describe it. There was no excitement in hello's or goodbye's or even plans in the near future. I've been so alone.
So finally I decided to do something about it and came up to San Gabriel; my hometown (and proud of it even if its whole entire contents of when I first started living here has been swapped out with asian plazas and well... asian everything). I got to see one of my best friends AC perform his singing stuff. I got hang with Andy. I got to see a ton of other people who randomly started showing up slowly and slowly. I guess it happens on a normal basis... evone was used to it but me. OH! And Edgar and I won a round a beer pong against AC and Andy! woot. PLUS! Today I get to see Claire, Jamie, and Steph which I can't really describe how happy that makes me feel.
It's good to remember where you came from. I'm stilla firm believer is going out and exploring life. But sometimes, you just need a weekend to go to a place where people really know who you are and are excited to see you and vise versa. I feel loved.
I've made a lot of good decisions in my life. I've made a whole lot more bad ones too. But the decision to come here, I must say, has been one the best decisions i've made in my life. I don't say this often but...
I'm proud of myself.
I need to do this more often. Seriously.
6.17.2008
Multimedia message
6.16.2008
Pent Up[date]
I pretend a lot and I think it's catching up to me.
This summer was set aside to work and make money and find a new place. I've been trying to do what I can from home. There's craigslist and most jobs don't carry paper applications but instead tell you to apply online. A lot of time has passed and i'm feeling less and less confident in myself. I end up spending a lot of down time at home. the first week or two at home was nice. I got myself the rest I deserved and had time to go for runs and catch up on movies and tv shows. Now i'ts just ridiculous. I spend too much time at home and I feel like i'm just wasting time now. So I just pretend nothing is wrong. Forget about the reality of things and just watch hours pass, days pass, and think "everything will be okay."
The truth is... I have to find a job to pay rent. But I can't keep the job longer than 2 months because when school starts, I have a job again. No one wants to hire me for 2 months. My options are also limited. Being carless, I can only apply to places where the bus or the sprinter can take me. And because of the economy and the stupid gas prices rising, so are the fares for public transit. I've checked out 2 new places to live through craigslist. One of which I can't take because I have no job. The second place I checked isn't right for because i'd be living with a married couple, a mormon man, and the occasional 9 year old son from another mother. Just... not my cup of tea when it comes to homelife. And I would love to stick around here for a little longer. I like it here. But the love birds are getting married in october, and they are fighting a lot (lots of yelling, crying, hitting, leaving, clamming doors, etc...) which leads to make up sex. Yes, my life right now is depressing.
And I'm not sure which is a priority but it looks like, the job is ruling out. Does anyone know how to go about this? I'm afraid to walk out my door now and I feel like if I get on a train, I might be tempted to just keep sitting there while going back and forth, passing the same stations over and over again. Cause I feel like that's how my life is right now. Just at some kind of moving stand still. I know that my life is moving foward, I know time flies, and I know there's more to the story than what i've seen some more-- but I feel like I am at a standstill. Just wasting days like it's nothing, like it's all pretend.
Bottled up emotions are soon to explode. I want to be hopeful and I know that sadness is surrender. All I feel right now is anger and i'm angry at myself for feeling this way.
This summer was set aside to work and make money and find a new place. I've been trying to do what I can from home. There's craigslist and most jobs don't carry paper applications but instead tell you to apply online. A lot of time has passed and i'm feeling less and less confident in myself. I end up spending a lot of down time at home. the first week or two at home was nice. I got myself the rest I deserved and had time to go for runs and catch up on movies and tv shows. Now i'ts just ridiculous. I spend too much time at home and I feel like i'm just wasting time now. So I just pretend nothing is wrong. Forget about the reality of things and just watch hours pass, days pass, and think "everything will be okay."
The truth is... I have to find a job to pay rent. But I can't keep the job longer than 2 months because when school starts, I have a job again. No one wants to hire me for 2 months. My options are also limited. Being carless, I can only apply to places where the bus or the sprinter can take me. And because of the economy and the stupid gas prices rising, so are the fares for public transit. I've checked out 2 new places to live through craigslist. One of which I can't take because I have no job. The second place I checked isn't right for because i'd be living with a married couple, a mormon man, and the occasional 9 year old son from another mother. Just... not my cup of tea when it comes to homelife. And I would love to stick around here for a little longer. I like it here. But the love birds are getting married in october, and they are fighting a lot (lots of yelling, crying, hitting, leaving, clamming doors, etc...) which leads to make up sex. Yes, my life right now is depressing.
And I'm not sure which is a priority but it looks like, the job is ruling out. Does anyone know how to go about this? I'm afraid to walk out my door now and I feel like if I get on a train, I might be tempted to just keep sitting there while going back and forth, passing the same stations over and over again. Cause I feel like that's how my life is right now. Just at some kind of moving stand still. I know that my life is moving foward, I know time flies, and I know there's more to the story than what i've seen some more-- but I feel like I am at a standstill. Just wasting days like it's nothing, like it's all pretend.
Bottled up emotions are soon to explode. I want to be hopeful and I know that sadness is surrender. All I feel right now is anger and i'm angry at myself for feeling this way.
6.06.2008
CK's Running Music
I've been running a lot lately. If the rest of my summer is dull, at least I know that I'm actually doing something to lose a little weight. But never did I think I would be running this much and I think it's because I started taking my ipod with me. There's something about music that makes me keep going. It sends some kind of message to my brain and it makes me think that I actually can go the distance. It wasn't till yesterday though, that I realized in which order my music should make its way into my racing heart.
There's about 12 songs that play from the time I leave my house till the time I get back. Three of these songs reflect the three major levels that occur during my run.
First, I like to start of with some good drums. Not trans-y or punk rock. No. I like jazz. Full of rhythm and soul. I'd like to introduce you all to my favorite drummer-- Steve Jordan. He is the drummer for the John Mayer Trio and also for some of John's solo stuff. There's something about his drumming that makes me want to move. I guess it's safe to say that his beats are a movement in itself.
After that I just let the shuffle take over. It gets me started. Nothing mellow though. I have a good mix of hip hop, pop, rock, jazz, acoustic, etc...
Then you get to the part of the run where your legs just want to give up. You start feeling winded and tired. You feel the sweat on your face, legs, back, well... everywhere. Stopping is the only thing that is on your mind! Gravity is just torturing you with its weight! The world is on your shoulders and....
Sara Bareilles' Many the Miles comes on. A sweet little piano medley with very appropriate lyrics:
There's too many things that i haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something
I made up my mind when i was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again i lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in
How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and i'll be happy to follow you Love
Like I said, appropriate lyrics to boost the ol' self esteem when the hard gets harder.
During the song I like to picture someone special waiting for me at the finish line. Like... I don't know... Mr. Darcy or John Mayer. OR both for that matter. The more the merrier.
After that little confidence booster, things start getting easier and the finish line is almost there. I shuffle the songs once more. THEN! there it is... I see the finish.
Find the song...... scroll down.... THERE!
You and I- Future of Forestry. The big finale. I love these guy... but that's not why I play the song. There's something amazingly triumphant about this song. It makes me want to set up one of those finish lines when get home so that when the chorus strikes I can stretch my arms up and run through the tape. Yeah-- there's just something about the song that makes me feel accomplished and when I come home I feel good. Then I have the song stuck in my head for a few hours after that but... totally worth the feeling.
So that's all i've gotta say on that. Anyone wanna go for a run? There's a lake right near my house and there's a trail that goes all around it.
Love is the movement yo! Let's dance!
There's about 12 songs that play from the time I leave my house till the time I get back. Three of these songs reflect the three major levels that occur during my run.
First, I like to start of with some good drums. Not trans-y or punk rock. No. I like jazz. Full of rhythm and soul. I'd like to introduce you all to my favorite drummer-- Steve Jordan. He is the drummer for the John Mayer Trio and also for some of John's solo stuff. There's something about his drumming that makes me want to move. I guess it's safe to say that his beats are a movement in itself.
After that I just let the shuffle take over. It gets me started. Nothing mellow though. I have a good mix of hip hop, pop, rock, jazz, acoustic, etc...
Then you get to the part of the run where your legs just want to give up. You start feeling winded and tired. You feel the sweat on your face, legs, back, well... everywhere. Stopping is the only thing that is on your mind! Gravity is just torturing you with its weight! The world is on your shoulders and....
Sara Bareilles' Many the Miles comes on. A sweet little piano medley with very appropriate lyrics:
There's too many things that i haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something
I made up my mind when i was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again i lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in
How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and i'll be happy to follow you Love
Like I said, appropriate lyrics to boost the ol' self esteem when the hard gets harder.
During the song I like to picture someone special waiting for me at the finish line. Like... I don't know... Mr. Darcy or John Mayer. OR both for that matter. The more the merrier.
After that little confidence booster, things start getting easier and the finish line is almost there. I shuffle the songs once more. THEN! there it is... I see the finish.
Find the song...... scroll down.... THERE!
You and I- Future of Forestry. The big finale. I love these guy... but that's not why I play the song. There's something amazingly triumphant about this song. It makes me want to set up one of those finish lines when get home so that when the chorus strikes I can stretch my arms up and run through the tape. Yeah-- there's just something about the song that makes me feel accomplished and when I come home I feel good. Then I have the song stuck in my head for a few hours after that but... totally worth the feeling.
So that's all i've gotta say on that. Anyone wanna go for a run? There's a lake right near my house and there's a trail that goes all around it.
Love is the movement yo! Let's dance!
6.05.2008
Nothing Left To Do
I've been feeling kind of useless these past few days and I'm not sure what else there is for me to do. I really need a job and the one that I really wanted is now up in limbo--I won't find out what position I got until Tuesday. So for the past few days I've been basically the biggest loser in the world. I've watched every episode of Ellen and Oprah and i've watched every gilmore girl episode that comes on ABC Famil twice a day. I do however go on runs which is definitely a nice change in the schedule but otherwise, I have nothing to do.
I'm not used to this nothing to do business. Having something to do or rather, something on the schedule that doesn't consist of me being at home would be nice. I thought of starting a project. I've cleaned my room and the bathroom. I've watched movies, listened to music, found all the books I want to sell on amazon, and threw away a bunch of crap I didn't need. I even reorganized my 'important documents' into one filing folder.
There is always the option of going to starbucks and reading a jane austen novel. Sounds nice, but boring. I need something phyiscal. Something like swimming or wall climbing or getting a job!
I'm going crazy. I need something to do. Maybe I should start learning how to paint. But I don't have paint. Maybe i'll do a collage with all the papers that i'm throwing away. Why would I do that? I'm out of ideas. I can play my guitar again. That always passes the time, but I played it so much yesterday my fingers were black. Maybe i'll dust. Or vaccuum. Learn another language. I wish I had a puzzle. Like a million piece puzzle. I could probably finish it by tomorrow. Very possible. The last thing I want to do is eat. That's how i'll get fat.
I tried finding jobs online today and I found those secret shoppers and opinion poll things. You basically have to pay 20 bucks to get paid for shopping. I don't get it. They all seem like scams. But I honestly would love to get 100 bucks for a survey. Just seems a little scam-ish to me.
I have no idea what else there is for me to do. As you can see, I'm trying to pass time with this blog. I'll probably end up playing some Myspace Pool and then go for my run, take a shower, eat my left over noodles and Co., and well... that's it. I won't and can't do anything more cause THERE'S NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!!
I'm not used to this nothing to do business. Having something to do or rather, something on the schedule that doesn't consist of me being at home would be nice. I thought of starting a project. I've cleaned my room and the bathroom. I've watched movies, listened to music, found all the books I want to sell on amazon, and threw away a bunch of crap I didn't need. I even reorganized my 'important documents' into one filing folder.
There is always the option of going to starbucks and reading a jane austen novel. Sounds nice, but boring. I need something phyiscal. Something like swimming or wall climbing or getting a job!
I'm going crazy. I need something to do. Maybe I should start learning how to paint. But I don't have paint. Maybe i'll do a collage with all the papers that i'm throwing away. Why would I do that? I'm out of ideas. I can play my guitar again. That always passes the time, but I played it so much yesterday my fingers were black. Maybe i'll dust. Or vaccuum. Learn another language. I wish I had a puzzle. Like a million piece puzzle. I could probably finish it by tomorrow. Very possible. The last thing I want to do is eat. That's how i'll get fat.
I tried finding jobs online today and I found those secret shoppers and opinion poll things. You basically have to pay 20 bucks to get paid for shopping. I don't get it. They all seem like scams. But I honestly would love to get 100 bucks for a survey. Just seems a little scam-ish to me.
I have no idea what else there is for me to do. As you can see, I'm trying to pass time with this blog. I'll probably end up playing some Myspace Pool and then go for my run, take a shower, eat my left over noodles and Co., and well... that's it. I won't and can't do anything more cause THERE'S NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!!
6.03.2008
barking at nothing
There's this dog next door that sits all day in the patio and barks at nothing. Sometimes I open my blinds all the way up and peek at it. It's a small dog. Looks like a Maltese Poodle mix. And honest to God-- it barks at nothing. Just sits there and barks.
Then I realize that I bark at nothing all the freakin time.
Today I had job interview and it went terribly. I was so nervous cause I really wanted this job. I feel like I have A.D.D when it comes to answering questions. They ask me a question and my words come out all jumbled. Then when the next person is asking the next question, i'm thinking of how badly I answered last question and all the while i'm completely panicking inside and freaking out because these 3 people are sitting and staring at me with blank faces.
I left the interview today with low self esteem and a dire need for a bucket of chocolate ice cream to drown my woes with. I called friends to vent to and walked home like the world just crashed down on me. I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I got home that dog was still barking at nothing. Still yapping away.
I think I make a bigger deal than things ought to be. I have to stop barking at nothing.
Then I realize that I bark at nothing all the freakin time.
Today I had job interview and it went terribly. I was so nervous cause I really wanted this job. I feel like I have A.D.D when it comes to answering questions. They ask me a question and my words come out all jumbled. Then when the next person is asking the next question, i'm thinking of how badly I answered last question and all the while i'm completely panicking inside and freaking out because these 3 people are sitting and staring at me with blank faces.
I left the interview today with low self esteem and a dire need for a bucket of chocolate ice cream to drown my woes with. I called friends to vent to and walked home like the world just crashed down on me. I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I got home that dog was still barking at nothing. Still yapping away.
I think I make a bigger deal than things ought to be. I have to stop barking at nothing.
6.01.2008
I Dream Intensely
I had this insane dream last night. INSANE!
Here we go. We were in an auditorium and I was there with my old friend Jamie. My mom was hosting a concert or showcase of some sort and she invited me up to sing the national anthem. I was really nervous and I did horribly. So horribly that I actually had to back track the words and redo some of the song because I wasn't singing the right notes. I also started it too low. But I went back and sat down in complete embarrassment. People were telling me how good it was but I knew they thought it was crap. Then I had to go grab my bag from the lockers in the dressing room but instead I got distracted by old friends. Sarah and I dashed out because we saw chuck on the prowl. Chuck is a man of creepiness and you don't want to start a conversation with him because you'll never be able to get out of it. So we bolted and we headed over to a a middle school. We were hanging out with some of the student teachers and then chuck came to pick up his daughter. So sarah and I bolted out of there but we could find her car. There was a huge parking lot and we couldn't find her car. So Sarah starts panicking and thinks it got towed to the lot across the street. We're walking around and then BAM! my old friend William is dressed in all black bumps into me. We hug and I didn't want to let go for some reason. The hug felt really good. But he had to go to work. So we said goodbye and I went on trying to find Sarah's hatchback scion. Finally found it. There was tape on it and I thought my stuff was stolen except my pride and prejudice book. But then I remembered that I didn't grab my bag from the lockers in the dressing room. So we headed on our way back home but then the roads were really bumpy and full of gravel. And we were going really fast and bam! the road broke away and we started falling.
That's where it ended.
oh lord.
Here we go. We were in an auditorium and I was there with my old friend Jamie. My mom was hosting a concert or showcase of some sort and she invited me up to sing the national anthem. I was really nervous and I did horribly. So horribly that I actually had to back track the words and redo some of the song because I wasn't singing the right notes. I also started it too low. But I went back and sat down in complete embarrassment. People were telling me how good it was but I knew they thought it was crap. Then I had to go grab my bag from the lockers in the dressing room but instead I got distracted by old friends. Sarah and I dashed out because we saw chuck on the prowl. Chuck is a man of creepiness and you don't want to start a conversation with him because you'll never be able to get out of it. So we bolted and we headed over to a a middle school. We were hanging out with some of the student teachers and then chuck came to pick up his daughter. So sarah and I bolted out of there but we could find her car. There was a huge parking lot and we couldn't find her car. So Sarah starts panicking and thinks it got towed to the lot across the street. We're walking around and then BAM! my old friend William is dressed in all black bumps into me. We hug and I didn't want to let go for some reason. The hug felt really good. But he had to go to work. So we said goodbye and I went on trying to find Sarah's hatchback scion. Finally found it. There was tape on it and I thought my stuff was stolen except my pride and prejudice book. But then I remembered that I didn't grab my bag from the lockers in the dressing room. So we headed on our way back home but then the roads were really bumpy and full of gravel. And we were going really fast and bam! the road broke away and we started falling.
That's where it ended.
oh lord.
5.31.2008
This Blog Confuses Me.
I would say the highpoint in my 20 (almost 21) years of life would be when I was 8. Yup. The biggest responsibility I had was making my bed in the mornings and finishing my homework. I had just started a new school, I was skinny, I was dancing every week, I still had the baby face working for me, and I had a New Zealand trip waiting for me in december. Life was good. AMAZINGLY good. Compare that life to right now and it makes me feel like shit.
I dreamt a fantasy world to find
that real life sucks. My room is honestly 10x10, i'm broke and praying this job interview goes well, i've had about 3 terrible roommates, i've got ACTUAL responsibilities like rent and bills and waking up on time with the alarm clock, and i'm trying to stay a good citizen, friend, and daughter.
I dreamt a fantasy world to find
that real life sucks. My room is honestly 10x10, i'm broke and praying this job interview goes well, i've had about 3 terrible roommates, i've got ACTUAL responsibilities like rent and bills and waking up on time with the alarm clock, and i'm trying to stay a good citizen, friend, and daughter.Then, I started thinking of what was going wrong in my life when I was 8 years old. First off, about a year and a half before I turned 8, my parents split. I was 6. So my mom and I moved into an apartment. When I was eight the relationship with my dad was deteriorating faster than you could say 'Dead Beat Dad.' I moved again when I was 8. I actually liked moving. It was fun for me. But another critical thing happened to me when I was 8. Besides being pants-ed by Wendy Williams in the school playground, I was also faced with a decision that was way beyond my maturity level.
At the time, I was dancing ballet in a company called Ballet East and the director put us all in groups by age and dance level. I was in the 8-12 (that's a guesstimate) group. I was the youngest that's all I remember. The director wanted to put us on pointe. For those not familiar
with pointe, it's when you wear those shoes where you can stand on your toes (shown in the picture on the right). Normally, you're not supposed to go on pointe until you're 13 or 14. When you're younger, your bones are still soft so the shoes will actually damage your feet. Being 8 caused a problem. I loved ballet. It made me stronger, determined, and focused. Plus, I loved the costumes. My mom left the choice up to me. If I didn't go on pointe, i'd be stuck with the 4 year olds. I tried pointe for a while but I followed my gut and quit ballet altogether. I decided to try my hand at other forms of dancing instead. Broke my heart though.
with pointe, it's when you wear those shoes where you can stand on your toes (shown in the picture on the right). Normally, you're not supposed to go on pointe until you're 13 or 14. When you're younger, your bones are still soft so the shoes will actually damage your feet. Being 8 caused a problem. I loved ballet. It made me stronger, determined, and focused. Plus, I loved the costumes. My mom left the choice up to me. If I didn't go on pointe, i'd be stuck with the 4 year olds. I tried pointe for a while but I followed my gut and quit ballet altogether. I decided to try my hand at other forms of dancing instead. Broke my heart though.So when I look back, my highest point in my life still had its hardships. I mean, my 20th year has been well, not bad I guess. I got the best grades I have ever gotten in my entire life. I have friends! Like, real ones! I've gained a new sense of my own artistic capabilities which doesn't only include dance--but also music and visual media.
Every year we begin another cycle of life which includes a variety of highs, lows, goods, bads, and in betweens. How can I compare one point in my life to another when i'm constantly growing and constantly gaining some sense of the world? When I was 8 the worst thing that happened was quiting ballet. In my 20th year, the worst thing that happened were the fires that hit san diego. That was a nightmare! You just can't compare those.
I'm not sure what conclusion i've come to with this blog. I think I might have just confused myself but sitting here today and waiting for something to come to me, this is what came. I look back on just a year ago and I feel like I had it better then but truth is, comparing myself to my old self doesn't logically make sense. Things change. You change. Life goes on.All i've got are memories now and some lessons learned along the way.
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About Me
- I am Christina.
- The day my mother gave me wings was the day I started learning how to fly. I'm now realizing that it takes a lifetime to learn how to soar. This is my journey. Well, a part of it.