Christina

flesh & bone

2010-10-16T00:58:00.000-07:00

it's okay.

you can tell me if my pride gets in the way.

you can tell me anything.

doesn't mean i'll change.

& just as you hear me say those words

you tell me

"that's why you'll always end up alone."

guess i had that coming.

you never see my heart.

only flesh & bone.

seeds

2010-06-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

He said,

"I did everything right.

I painted a picture

& gave her time."

but seeds

become roots

so strong

they grow to be trees

forever.

& forever is much too long.

heartbreak goes like this.

2010-06-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

my heart is made of glass

& your love is a stone

bound to shatter and break

as if you came through my window

the man of my dreams.

2010-05-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

when i'm sad

i cry to you

when i'm angry

you take the beating

when i wake

you're still there

you are the essence

of comfortable

i miss you

throughout my day

if i could

i would spend

every minute

of every day

with you

now if only i can find a man

who's more like my pillow...

Sea of You

2010-03-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

your name

came up

in conversation

and my heart

screamed out

for mercy

i said

"i can't hold my breath"

yet you still

threw me in

into a sea of you

matters of

2010-01-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

my head decides

but my heart refuses

my mouth talks me out of it

my shoulders shrug

and my toes tap

arms cross

my stomach starts to knot

all because

my heart

and my head

can't be friends

4am dream

2010-01-16T05:14:00.000-08:00

i guess that i was

looking for magic

its happened too many times

with all the wrong guys

they always want a love

that stays static

but love's the only movement

that i recognize

...but i shouldn't

expect better

at this rate

i'd be lucky

if someone

wanted me

forever...

Rain

2009-10-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

rain

i fell asleep with you
&
woke up with you
if i had a boyfriend
i'd consider this an affair

but since i don't
can we do this again?

Julie of my own heart.

2009-09-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

- Julie Delpy as Marion in 2 Days in Paris

You've Been Bleeding

2009-09-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

bare feet on
broken glass
you have stolen
my heart
and left me
without saying goodbye

you've been bleeding

did i do this to you?

Stars

2009-08-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

who needs sleep
when you have the stars
with 10 other bodies
to keep you warm

for i gaze at stars
as if i'm gazing into the eyes
of someone who knows me
better than i know myself

Ramona and Julian know
the secret to it all
the higher you go
the closer you are

so we reach for them
spend all night counting them
lose track of time
but at least it was
time well spent

if every day
could be like that night
i would dream all day
and count stars
all night

We Dreamers

2009-08-02T12:39:00.001-07:00

we dreamers
we go unloved
dreaming up more
than we can have
we dreamers
we go unloved
all cause dreams
can't love you back

but we dreamers
we accept our fate
we're not angry
or irate
only content
what is meant
to be
will be

we dreamers
we may not have
arms to hold us
or lips
to kiss us
but in our dreams
we find the
greatest love
ever
and we never
let go

we dreamers
we go unloved
dreaming up more
than we can be
we dreamers
we go unloved
but we know
what we can't have
can be dreamed

Suit Up

2009-07-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

there's always a war in my heart
to give in
or fight back
i trust my instinct
but i still wear my armor

no matter what time says
there's no good time
for bloodshed

you're coming closer
so i'll suit up for you
you're coming closer
my arms are ready
to catch me
as I fall

Inside the Mind of an Artist

2009-07-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

"Creative people live in a heightened reality," says Gallagher. "The good times feel extra good and the bad times feel extra bad. However, there are plenty of creative people who find other, healthier ways to deal with their emotions."

"Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, Jim Morrison, Johnny Cash, Eric Clapton, Sly Stone, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jerry Garcia, Bob Marley, Eddie Van Halen, Cobain, Eminem, members of the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith and Metallica, and many others who heavily influenced their art used drugs and/or alcohol regularly during their creative peak."

I read this article:

http://www.mercurynews.com/entertainment/ci_12846398?nclick_check=1

and it made me think.
i could kind of relate.
but only in some aspects.

you try.

Why I Love Lyrics.

2009-07-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood....

Mr. Shaw

2009-07-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

I can be
pretty
ugly
tall
short
fat
thin
nice
mean
big
small
little
huge
fine
good
bad
brave
harsh
hot
cold
I can be
a lot of things
to a lot of people

but I

I just want to be anything but commonplace.

"Some men see things as they are and say why - I dream things that never were and say why not."
- George Bernard Shaw

Instantaneously

2009-06-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

every now and then
i want to see things
happen
the minute they start
i want to see
the result
before it gets hard

But life--
it just doesn't work
that way

does it?

I mean
after all...
Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was him

2009-06-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

If there ever was a man
who listened to the way he felt
over the way he thought
or the way others thought

it was him.

no dance moves
no music
like his
could ever come from the head

only the heart

my childhood spent
in a car seat
in the backseat
of my mom's minivan
singing to his tapes
even if I didn't get the words

watching him on tv
wanting to dance
at the age of 3
he's the reason why
i spent hours
in the afternoons
with a remote control hitting
rewind
play
rewind
play
rewind
fast foward
play

watching thriller
when i was in first grade
scared to watch
but still
couldn't take my eyes off

let's remember him for his art
his beautiful
amazing
crazy
out there
uncoverable
art

Slow Motion Scars

2009-06-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

no one taught me how to fall

so i'm learning now
i'm finding out it's difficult
to let go
and know

you're gonna crash

but there's that moment
when you've already let go
and you realize
you're mid air
and everything moves so slow
you see everything clear
knowing you've done
the damage
you close your eyes
and await the fate

that moment is my favorite

even if in the end

it leaves me
with a scar

Knees

2009-06-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

i need
to say
whatever i'm feeling
my knees
are red
from constant kneeling
below you
i was
but words
pulled me out

these words
are my shoes
walk around
if
you're afraid
i understand
here
take my hand
i'll never save
you
but words
will pull
you out

Just A Bunch of Words

2009-06-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what I want.

This guy that I know, he used to always get angry with me. I won't get into the details of our relationship but he used to ask me, "What do you want?!" Actually, he'd ask me all the time. And i'd never have an answer. Which in turn, made him upset. Mostly because I really didn't know what I wanted from him.

Sometimes what I want is super clear. If I have a craving for chocolate or which color shirt to wear or which movie I want to watch.

But when it comes down to the deeper and bigger decisions in life, I really have no idea.

This reality has become a lot more depressing over the years. Especially because I've always been the type of girl who knew what she wanted. Or so I thought.

I'm beginning to realize that maybe it was just a bunch of words.

One Last Hike

2009-06-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

I was feeling the sadness slowly creeping up on me the last few days I was at Fume Bake (F is H and B is L). I was kind of angry and frustrated to be indoors on my last full day.

Eric sent me out to get a mini DV tape that cost 10 bucks at the general store so I didn't get one. Instead I bought a gatorade and walked toward the lake.

Travis was there.

We decided to take a walk around the lake. I had never done that before. It made my week's end so special. Travis is special. Good guy. I got a biology lesson from a certified botanist and biologist. Not to mention the spontaneous 3.5 mile hike around the lake.

It was a good day.

Now i'm home. I can barely see the stars. I miss the smell. I want the trees back and the blue sky. I wish I could have bottled it up.

But then I think...

If it was always within my reach, would it be as special as it is to me now?

No.

So now I wait for another opportunity to make it back up the hill. If I don't, then i'm perfectly happy with the memories I have. Many many memories.

Hume Blog 9: Shhhh....

2009-06-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Hume Blog 8

2009-06-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

This was blog worthy. We just made some espressos for everyone. Actually Teej and Tam are making espressos for everyone and i'm watching. The machine at the cabin here is about $1500. It's amazing. And it foams the milk. It's so so so good.

Hume Blog 7

2009-06-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

live each day up to its fullest. that's what i'm trying to do. at lease i'm trying to do. went for a little hike this morning. i took a bath and watched sound of music. listened to the boys play some more.

yesterday was a good day. really good. finally got those tapes.

i'm soon gonna head out to the studio to watch TJ work with some students.

i've been on a camera spree. here's my favorite from yesterday. TJ at the drums.

Hume Blog 6

2009-06-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

I have more blogs than days i've been here. Funny.

Yesterday afternoon/evening, I hung out with TJ. I saw him sitting by himself. So I just joined him. I got to see where he lives. He made me coffee. GOOD COFFEE. And he gave me a new toothbrush because E used mine. Gross.

Later on the guys hung out by the fire pit at the snack shop and talked. It's so awesome just to listen to them. I love that they are comfortable enough to joke around me. I love hom i'm comfortable enough to just laugh. I love listening.

I was sitting there thinking that I wasn't at Hume Lake Christian Camps. It felt like I was at a band retreat. Right now, it's like a time where we all get to have a chance and feel like family. To get to know each other a little better. To encourage. To work. To inspire.

Hume Blog 5

2009-06-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hello from my office! Or otherwise known as the bathroom. We're having real food made by Tam today. I'm so happy to have Teej around more now. Everything is so much better when he's around. He's a genious. Seriously. He can play EVERYTHING.

We hung out with Chris Simning last night. It's crazy cause he was the speaker my freshman year. I remember him so well. He was my favorite speaker out of all 4 years. He's speaking this week so i'm gonna go listen some of the days. There was a girl who went up to him at the snack shop and said "Hey! you were my speaker at Meadow Ranch 6 years ago! I have a picture with you!" After that Chris turns around to Ben and I and says, "It's weird how people have pictures with me." And I said, "I have a picture with you!" He laughed really hard!

It was awesome.

Here's another funny story. Hanging out with the guys and some of the staff yesterday, I met a girl who does video for the camp. She was desperate for someone who does video. I guess they're short staffed. Teej just blurts out "Christina does our video!" and then she offered me a job at Hume Lake Christian Camps. I turned it down unfortunately. Hah. But I'm gonna buy some tapes off of her.

I'm short on everything. I have to do laundry because I only packed for 3 or 4 days-ish.

OH! I woke up at 9 this morning. SO nice to sleep in. But my eyes were huge. Allergies.

Listening to Rachael Yamagata with the faintness of Teej on the taiko drums in the background.

Hume Blog 3: I'm on a Boat!

2009-06-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

As you can see, my favorite room in this house is the main master bedroom bathroom. There's a shower and a HUGE tub. I like to dream that... "I'M ON A BOAT!"

Hume Blog 2

2009-06-12T10:36:00.001-07:00

I spent some time on the lake yesterday. Went to hear the band play at chapel and then spent some time by the lake without any of the crazy loud noises from the campers. It's just as beautiful as I remembered.

Hume Blog 1

2009-06-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hume is beautiful as always.

Boys: 3
Girls: 1
Instruments: a gazillion

MUSICA!!

2009-06-09T12:33:00.001-07:00

Haven't posted a music blog lately. Here's what's on my playlist right now:

Meiko

I saw her on youtube and thought 'well, that's cool.' Her album is kinda slow at the beginning but I love Boys with Grilfriends and Under my Bed. Her voice sometimes reminds me of Nina Persson of The Cardigans. They have that high low airiness to their voice. I like it.

Urban Rescue

These boys are awesome. Sometimes I just like to sit in my room and listen to them. Good guys. www.myspace.com/urbanrescue

Kings of Leon

First off, I love the man's voice. Second, he sings the words 'dance' and 'dancing' a lot. Third, I love love love the drums. Fourth, try playing it at night in your pajamas and just DANCE! It's exhilarating.

Damien Rice

What can I say about Damien Rice? I love this album. Nice to wind down. Sometimes if i'm angry, I like to play the angry ones but otherwise, everything else is classic Damien. Love it. I love the song about the girl who does yoga.

Camille

This chick is my favorite right now! She's the reason why I want to pack up and move to France. Most of the background music is done with sounds she makes with her own voice. I listened to it on the way to Norther Cali. The time passed by really fast becaus you're just completely intrigued.

Mandy Moore

I think Mandy is on to something. No more bubblegum pop. She married Ryan Adams and BAM! she is trying out all these different folky sounds. I loved her last album cause she worked with the Weepies and Rachael Yamagata. This one hasn't grown on me like Wild Hope cause it has more of a oldies orchestral sound. Definitely like Wild Hope better.

Hume Lake

2009-06-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

8 years makes me feel old. It was this side of 8 years ago that I knew my life had changed. Now i'm headed back up the mountain not as the audience before them, but as a friend beside them.

I've been thinking about this a lot. It occured to me that i've thought i've been sure of a lot of things in my life. I've made decisions thinking they were right. But when I look at the full circle coming to its close, it makes the rest of my life seem so unsure.

8 years ago I saw them and I didn't question or doubt the feeling I had. It's the only solid thing i've ever been sure of in my life.

Woodstock

2009-06-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

I bought the "craziness is like heaven" poster.

Heart Talk.

2009-05-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

I love listening to the heart. I've said it before but i'll say it again-- Every time my heart and my head get into an argument, i'm almost certain that my heart will win 99.9% of the time.

Today I had this moment where my heart surrendered. It was the craziest moment. All I heard it say was "Use Me."

It got me thinking.

I hate being used in any relationship. I hate using people. I try not to do it as often as possible. I like relying on myself. I'm the most reliable person I know. But when it comes to USING someone I think a lot of people try to stay away. When you use each other, especially in closer relationships, it always ends up complicated and knotted up.

However.

The only relationship i'd want to be used in is the one I have with God. I want to be used by God to do a lot of things. I can only imagine that He can make amazing things happen.

I don't know.

I was just thinking about it and in my head. The thought of Him using me just seems like a privlege. Something that my heart just yearns for right now.

A Morning Glimpse

2009-05-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

This is love. Waking up with a great song. Listening to the soft piano. Folky guitar. Airy voice. Laying in bed. Staring up at the ceiling. Watching my fan slowly spin. Feeling the soft touch of air on my body. As the light slowly creeps through my window. Not a worry. Comfortable. Nowhere to be. Just me. A great song. And my ceiling.

Post Tour Reflection

2009-05-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

I look at that picture and I feel so privileged. I admire every one of those boys for what they do. I feel so lucky to be able to travel with them but also to be a part of the audience and listen to what they've created. I feel so blessed to be a part of the FoF Team and I hope that I can keep touring with them.

Before the tour, I was in a state of insanity. My mom had just been laid off and had to get major abdominal surgery. I can't even tell you how hard it is to be an only child of a single mother. Most of the time its easy but now that i'm older i'm seeing things evolve. So, before the tour I had my mom, my classes, work, plus a dance performance. Never had I felt so alone-- It was like all the strength was sucked out of me.

Once I finished school, I went straight on the tour and it saved me. The change of people, of rhythm, of scenery, of everything helped me to remember that God provides. I felt as if I hit the point where I couldn't do anything but surrender. And when I did, God gave me this tour. Never did I feel uncomfortable (i'm not counting the time when that guy asked for my number...) and I always felt safe. I never thought i'd be a part of something so special.

From my perspective, every person in the band is different and they all mean something special to me.

BenJammin (top left), me, Logan, E, & Teej. Liz is there in spirit. Urban Rescue toured with us too. I'm glad they did.

Now i'm at home. I'm deep in my thoughts and all I can think is-- some people say that high school or college was the time of their life. I can proudly say that I hated high school and college is hard. But the time of my life? The time of my life was spent on the road with FoF. And i'm pretty sure that there will be more to come.

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2009-05-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

Cleaning up. Tired. Rough gig. Hopefully tomorrow's is better. Its the last show.

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2009-05-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

E and liz and i are here at starbies. relaxing morning. Chill.

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2009-05-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

once and a tea-cino.

Videos Videos Videos

2009-05-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

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2009-05-13T16:14:00.000-07:00

Balboa park. The great outdoors. Breathe it in!

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2009-05-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

I Won't Let You Know

2009-05-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Alright. It's been a while since I've written. I can't explain how rough of a semester it has been. There have been a lot of curve balls and unexpected circumstances that I couldn't have seen coming. I'm worn out. I'm tired. And i'm relieved to feel the end creeping near. I'm on my last week of classes and I only have one final. My days vary in happiness. Today is not much of a happy day. I think I just failed my Japanese test and I figured out that I can only go on one part of the FoF Tour. But it's wednesday and tomorrow is thursday which is one day closer to a weekend of fun & music.

Life is certainly a sequence of events that force you to grow. However, I think my life has been a sequence of events that have forced me to deal with circumstances far beyond my maturity level. What's funny about it all is that i'm always in search for a new adventure. An enjoyable adventure with little known hardships along the way. It doesn't work that way, of course.

Now, I will leave you with the wise, wise words of Rachael Yamagata. This is how I feel. Verbatim.

"Would you please get out from under my skin cause I can't begin this yet. And I don't know what my intensions are. They're speaking in a different tongue. Deep inside i'm not as tough as I seem but, I won't let you know. Until it's right i'm gonna stay my distance and you should go."

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2009-04-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

Where Does My Strength Lie?

2009-04-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

I look back on places in my life where I had to be strong. When I think back on how I felt I really can't recall much except that I wanted someone there with me. Someone to help me through it. Someone to hold my hand through it all. And its not until later that I realize that I felt that way because I felt alone. But even with someone there with me I still felt pretty much alone because I was going through whatever it was I was going through.

But it makes sense doesn't it? Strength comes from those experiences that make you face your own demons.

Right now i'm at a point where i'm looking ahead at what's to come and all i'm wondering is if I can really make it through. I just keep asking myself "where does my strength lie?"

The unknown seems so adventurous when you're looking at it from a distance but when it's staring at you right in the face it just starts looking like a big black hole that has no end.

Hollywood & Highland: New and the Same

2009-04-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

There's something about the city. There's something about it that beckons me to come. I thought I wanted out and I thought that I'd never want it back. Then all of a sudden, one night in the throws of the city lights, the glow on my skin, the footprints and hand prints of people I admire, walking the streets with spiderman, superman, Jesus, and my friends-- It all made me feel at home, weirdly. I don't know why I felt comfortable, but I did. I think I realize that L.A. is where I was raised. High rise buildings, the Hollywood Bowl with John Maucceri, the theaters, the history, the asians, it's what i'm familiar with. That's something that will never leave me.

I'm always searching for something new--something bold. I've always followed my curious, independent senses. I never thought about what's been familiar to me and how interesting it is. There's something new within the familiar? Whoddathunkit.

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2009-04-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

Tom Everett Scott! Very nice guy.

I Bet You Can Speak Japanese Better Than Me

2009-03-11T14:51:00.001-07:00

I've been bothered lately. Bothered by Japanese. Yes, Japanese. My first language, half of my ethnic background, and the only kind of food I ate until I left for college.

I've been finding it more and more difficult to learn Japanese. Or should I say RE-learn Japanese. And I think i finally have the words to explain why.

"You may note that the potential form of ru-verbs are considerably longer than those of the u-verbs, which happen to end in the hiragana ru. There actually are shorter alternative potential forms of ru-verbs and the irregular verb kuru, which are made by adding the suffix -reru, instead of -rareru. These ra-less forms are gaining popularity, but are considered slightly substandard."

-Pg 10 from Genki 2: an intergrated course in elementary japanese

I'm sorry? Come again? Can you say that in Japanese and maybe i'll understand.

Here's another reason why Japanese is kicking my ass.

I'm sitting in Japanese class today and the teacher picks me to answer a question. What's was the question?

Ano eiga wo mite nakimashita. (I cried during that movie.)

Not really a question... but I had to reply. So I said...

Jya, mini ikutoki watashi wa tissue wo mottekimasu. (When I go watch it i'll bring tissues.)

I took a stab at it. I just said what came to my head. But I WAS WRONG! She called on another girl who said...

Mitemimasu. (I'll watch it.)

So just like that I made a fool out of myself. A fool who loves movies that make her cry. (Hey, 2 words-- Steel Magnolius.)

These things frustrate me. Japanese was my first language. But these people are getting A's and speaking the language because they are reading the book and ACTUALLY GETTING IT. I once owned a t-shirt from Japan that said "Comfor Table." This book, in my opinion, is sort of like that shirt. Just visit Engrish.com. Instead of trying to make sense, these writers are tyring to sound smart. Again, Just visit Engrish.com.

I say things because it sounds right in my head. I don't know which verbs are ru or u or irregular. Once they start training you with note cards and asking you about te-form and ta-form and potential and particles and volitional and blah blah blah... my brain gets tied up in a knot. I literally hear my brain make fart noises in class.

That's my spiel. I'll leave you with the emotion i'm feeling right now.

Falsley Accused

2009-03-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've been falsely accused for something. I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. I guess i'm learning something new about myself.

My roommates argue. A lot. It's actually pretty abnormal. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Most of the time I walk up to my room or sit still and try not to be noticed. I try to close the door if i'm sitting in my room. I try to avoid all eye contact in those circumstances.

Last night, they came up with reasons why they were were fighting so much and one of the reasons was because "I had said that they fought a lot."

I don't see why the fighting is my fault. This really bugs me. They are the ones saying they fight. They are the ones doing the arguing. So why is it that i'm at fault? Why am I sitting in a puddle of blame.

I was really hurt last night. So now i'm just sitting in my room. Feeling sort of sick. Feeling sort of cornered. Feeling alone.

The cure for this: well, right now i'm gonna go watch He's Just Not That Into You by myself. I need a good chick flick.

Panera Vlog

2009-02-28T18:45:00.000-08:00

I Wait For Things

2009-02-26T09:42:00.000-08:00

I got a mac. That's basically all this blog is about. I love my mac. I take it to school with me everyday. I named it. Yes, I named it. Currently it's Darcy. But there is also Frankie and Charlie. I haven't made up my mind yet. For now, it'll just be Darcy or Mr. Darcy depending on what mood i'm in. I'm planning to take it to panera on saturday to do some homework and meet up with friends to brainstorm for our next video. This mac is my baby.

I've been waiting for a lot of things in my life. In fact, i'm still waiting for a lot of things. For example, a car. I would love a car.

The things I really want take time. Because of this, I appreciate.

Big Strong Girl

2009-02-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. My life isn't all exciting to write about right now. It's stressful and i'm trying not to eat my way out of it this time. I am, however, highly reliant on coffee and caffiene related things. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep and i've been spending way over the legal amount of hours that I should be spending at school. By the way, I think all schools should give us a max time that we are allowed to be at school based upon the classes we are taking. They should also give us free mac computers and free food or gas--our pick of course.

I've been spending my small amount of free time with my movies and tv shows such as Gilmore Girls and Arrested Development. Yes, I can watch both of them. No, not at the same time.

I've been listening to a lot of the Weepies. Deb Talan, the girl of the group, has a lot of solo stuff. Amazing. Her writing is so confusing. At first you just read it and you're kind of skimming. But then you hit something in the middle of it that makes you read it from the top again and you sit there amazed that you could miss such words. Such wisdom.

I like to read her lyrics like a conversation. Give it a try. It makes more sense some times.

Big Strong Girl

It's not now or never. It's not black and it's not white. Anything worth anything takes more than a few days and a long, long night. Don't push so hard against the world, no, no. You can't do it all alone and if you could would you really want to? Even though you're a big strong girl come on, come on, lay it down. The best made plans are your open hands. Rest your head. You've got two pillows to choose from in a queen-sized bed. Hold out for the moon but don't expect connection any time soon. Feel the light caress your fingertips. You have just begun, the word has only left your lips. Maybe in time, you will find your arms are wrapped around the sun. You're wrapped around the sun.

Individoubt

2009-02-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like two sides of myself are fighting right now. In this point of my life I feel like I want approval from others but I also want to just find my individuality. I want for people to like what I do, especially artistically, and at the same time I want to let my voice speak out the way I see it.

I'm having such a difficult time with this right now. You know when your heart sinks into itself a little? It's a mixture of frustration and low self esteem. I'm not sure who I am in times like these. I just want to play my guitar and hope that out of that, something will appear. Maybe words, a mood, a thought. Anything. A starting point.

The last thing I want to do is doubt myself.

Tube Vids of the Moment

2009-01-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

Just a cool video I fell in love with.

These two guy make one funny duo... I'm in love with the one on the right.

For those of you who know Footloose, you will understand this.

Guess how old this girl is. She moves like a 25 year old but she just turned 12.

I love him. I mean elmo, of course... WINK WINK!

If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens

2009-01-28T13:51:00.001-08:00

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to you
Then I will go through fire if you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
Yeah oooh oh.

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to.

Wha Happun?

2009-01-27T22:13:00.001-08:00

I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove this semester.
I used to be so excited?
What happened?

I need a movie.

The Complicated Ones

2009-01-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I've been explaining myself today as if I am in a state of post trip blues and pre semester stress.

Sometimes I fear my inability to transition from one part of life to another takes its toll. The fact that I get no time to make a slow fade in and out from one thing to another makes me feel like i'm in a slow motion car crash. A head on collision with an amazing winter break and the reality of what most of my life consists of which in fact is school and work.

I'm feeling a sense of heart ache and the tightening of the knots in my stomach. I feel lost and not knowing what i'm doing. Some people have it so easy. They know what they want, they go get it, they succeed with a few little hiccups here and there. Altogether, they are the lucky ones. And for most of my life i've felt like I was one of those lucky ones. I'm starting to learn that I don't work that way. Never have, never will.

I'm one of the complicated ones. The ones with the dreams that rarely ever come true. The ones with all the patience to keep waiting for something that never happens. The ones who feel so small in the world but believes there is something bigger, something huge. I'm one of the ones who creates disaster without meaning to and who has a servants heart but is waiting for good fortune to shine on them. I'm one of those people. The ones who, when recieves a moment of joy, savors it with every inch of their heart and soul because they don't know when another moment like that will come around again. The ones with a map of life without knowing which route to take. The ones who people tell "do something about it!" but had thought they are already had been taking action.

This winter break has been unlike any winter break I have ever experienced. I wish my life would be that actively special all the time.

Off I go. Head on collision with reality. Once I lay my head on my pillow tonight that's it. That's the end of an amazing memory. Now, all I can do is remember and hope for more.

Time to Quote

2009-01-15T18:37:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown. I'm watching it right now. My favorite movie to quote. The bold quotes are my favorites!

"I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember. " [I know how that feels.]

"Trust me. Everybody is less mysterious than they think they are. "

"I'm one of a kind."

"I think I've been asleep most of my life."

"Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room."

"Some music needs air. Roll down your window."

"To have never taken a solitary road trip across country? I mean everybody's got to take a road trip, at least once in their lives. Just you and some music. "

"60B!"

" I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened. "

" It takes time to be funny. It takes time to extract joy from life. "

"I'm walking out the door... in last night's clothes. "

"Welcome to the annual meeting of people who annually meet, and we'll see ya'll next year. "

"Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free. "

"So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling. "

"In that moment, I knew success, not greatness, was the only god the world served. "

"I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them. "

"You know, You're always trying to break up with me, and we're not even together. "

"If it wasn't this... it'd be something else. "

"Drew Baylor: And who says we have to listen to 'them'?
Claire Colburn: *They* do! "

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2009-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

the life of a single 21 year old home alone after a long bizare day... who needs wine glasses?

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2009-01-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

I made a cover for my notebook yesterday. Im diggin it.

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2009-01-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

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2009-01-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

i want this oh so bad!

Here's The Eye Video

2009-01-09T12:31:00.001-08:00

Pretty Big.

2009-01-05T19:37:00.001-08:00

I feel as if the world is spinning while i'm standing still. I'm sort of waiting to catch up but i'm not quite there yet. The feeling I have right now is the kind of feeling you get when you've spun around with your forehead to a baseball bat. I'm trying to look things straight on but they are still spinning and tilting and I have to wait for the world to slow down.

I admit, this break has been the best break I have ever had. Unforgettable, actually.

My life isn't amazing and my life isn't terrible. My life is pretty normal. When something is unforgettable in my life, it means its something that will stay in my memory forever.

That's pretty big.

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2009-01-02T07:37:00.000-08:00

This place is so awesome that i bought a sweatshirt!

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2009-01-01T11:58:00.000-08:00

It's me! Scorpios unite!

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2008-12-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

Snow behind, red dirt in front. God is a true artist.

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2008-12-30T14:37:00.000-08:00

what my heart looks like.

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2008-12-30T14:31:00.000-08:00

i cant explain how much i love sedona! You'll be with me next time... No more 3x5s.

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2008-12-29T10:54:00.000-08:00

who wants to come with?

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2008-12-28T12:08:00.000-08:00

barnesing it up!

New Additions

2008-12-27T19:14:00.000-08:00

Babies always make blogs cuter. You just want to release a huge "AWWWW...." don't you?

Her name is Kalea (Kuh-Lay-Uh). The newest addition to the Tokunaga family. They've been our family friends forever and i've spent most of my Christmases with them and their family. I think I was 6 when they first met me. It's 15 years later and now the house is bursting with new little ones such as Kalea.

I think she's my favorite. SO CUTE!

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2008-12-26T17:44:00.000-08:00

17 degrees outside. Drinking hot chocolate.

The Story of THE PATCH!

2008-12-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

I was going to wait until I posted the video but apparently people are really curious as to why I have a huge patch on my face in some of my pictures...

Here's the story. The full story.

Somewhere closer to the beginning of the second half of the Future of Forestry Christmas Tour we had to drive from Simi Valley to Surprise, AZ. However, it took us 4 hours to get from Simi Valley just to Fontana which usually should only take maybe 2 hours tops. So you could imagine what kind of boredom we were feeling. So somewhere in like the Monterey Park/Montebello area I started filming Dave in the "confessional booth" scene. That's when something flew into my eye. I was convinced it was an ant but no one believes me. Apparently Teej thinks a bird punched me in the eye. And there's a small yet unsurfaced rumor that Boom punched me. But I guess all of them are untrue. Something flew into to my eye and my eye started crying. I thought it came out but it still felt like something was in there. Imagine what it would feel like if a toothpick was stuck in your eye. That's what it felt like.

Anywho...

We drove to AZ and my eye was in pain. I went to bed that night and I woke up with my eye the size of a golf ball. I looked like the hunchback of notre dame. Most of the poofyness was due to the non stop weeping. I couldn't look out my left eye so cossing the street was hard. I even wore a toilet paper roll around my neck because my eye would just keep crying. I made the guyssome pizzas but after that I just stayed in bed because it's amazing how much life can be drained out of you by ONE EYEBALL. So Tam decides that it's time for urgent care. I had never been to urgent care before.

This part was cool though...

So first the doctor put these numbing drops in my eye. Hurt like hell. But I didn't feel anything after that. Then he put some kind of glow in the dark stuff in my eye and he turned off the lights and put a blacklight over me. Told me to move my eye around and he found 2 scratches. One big one and one little one. So he gave me some drops to put in my eye and he put a patch on me. Now, this patch was no ordinary patch. It was about 20 gauze strips thick and was bound to my face with these huge pieces of some kind of masking tape. It was RIDICULOUS. But thankfully the only people who would see me with it on was the guys...

NOT! 24 hours of that stupid eye patch. Little kids were running behind their mommys asking what was wrong with me. I also ran into many walls at first and eating was really hard. I had a depth perception deficiency for about 5 hours. I finally got used to it though.

But by sunday it was all better. I was able to enjoy being able to see with both eyes.

I'm all better now. Good memories.

It's Quiet. Too Quiet.

2008-12-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

I just came back from the FoF Christmas Tour. I feel weird in my own house. There's no one here, no noise, no music, no TJ and his jingles, no Prince Travy and Boom. No Tam and E snuggling everywhere.

I put on the first tape from the tour and it feels like it was about a month ago but in reality it was only about a week ago. Actually, yeah. Exactly a week ago that we were at the epicentre.

I feel so blessed. I felt safe, I had so much fun, and it feels as if i've been surrounded by music and good company that will last me for months. This past week has been one of the most awesome adventures of my life and hopefully I get to tag along on another tour. Hopefully next years Christmas tour =)

I have so many stories and 6 hours of footage that I'm currently watching. Hopefully i'll get to them soon enough and be able to put them on Forestry's YouTube site.

Anyways, i'm looking at myself in the mirror and my eyes look beat and tired. It might be partially due to the fact that my eyes have cried so much over this past week not of sadness but because of a stupid little speck (or because Boom beat me up). However, I'm tired. I have to do laundry and pack up again.

As a parting adieu, here are some awesome sites you need to check out.

www.myspace.com/futureofforestry
www.myspace.com/saltwatermerchants
www.myspace.com/kokuaonline
www.myspace.com/urbanrescue

laters!

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2008-12-21T09:18:00.000-08:00

so amazing. Im blessed.

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2008-12-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

only 8 more hours of the pirate patch.

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2008-12-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

Cornerstone's childcare is like disneyland but better.

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2008-12-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

i know that this doesnt look like much but there are cameras everywhere. Dvd is gonna be amazing!

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2008-12-19T15:40:00.000-08:00

Its funny how the life can be drained out of you by one eyeball. And it all started with a speck. But Mom, im ok!

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2008-12-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

e says hello!

Those Feelings

2008-12-18T11:16:00.001-08:00

There's a band called Urban Rescue that opened for Forestry a few times on this Christmas tour. E is producing their album and these guys are raw talent. They are definitely sitting on something unique and intriguing. I had a chance to hear some their newly recorded stuff and it's good. Real good. I didn't really get a chance to get to know them. There's this automatic seperation that occurs somehow when you're "with" a band. I think it comes with the responsibilities you're in charge of and have to do... in my case... anything E tells me to do.

I can tell these guys are good guys. But there's one thing that I sort of regret besides not being able to spend much time with them. Jordan is the lead singer of the band. Great voice. Kind of has this jon foreman-esque thing going on. Really sweet guy. Everyone says how he's probably one of the nicest and kindest people they have ever met. His girlfriend is super nice too.

Well, he came up to me yesterday and asked me if I was going on the rest of the tour with Forestry and I told him I was. Then he asked me "how"? I pointed to the van, naturally. But that wasn't the answer he was looking for. He wanted to know how as in, how the heck can I afford it or how the heck did I ever get an opportunity like this. I told him the lamest answer ever. I told him that everything is basically free. Except on days off. Then we have to pay for our own food.

So I felt completely stupid last night for saying that. I blame the exhaustion. I thought about it a lot and i've come up with the only answer that really makes sense. So I take back that last answer and I would like to tell Jordan... if I ever talk to him again... that God provides.

There comes a certain point when the big things don't seem that big anymore. Money is just money. Food is just food. I think God has provided me more than that. He's given me opportunities. He has put these people in my life at such a young age and they have been probably the most influential people that have ever come into my life (besides my mom of course--I love you mom.)

I guess it's a huge deal to be riding in the band van and knowing some stuff about the process of touring and business of being a band. Actually, I never thought I'd be able to ever ride in the band van. But then again, I never thought I'd know these guys. I never thought that they'd want me around. I never thought that i'd be here with them. I never thought these things. And if someone told me that i'd be doing all these things, meeting all these great people, and being surrounded my music, love, and craziness... I would have freaked out. Actually, I probably wouldn't have believed them.

All I know is that for some reason God has surrounded me with these amazing people. And being here right now doesn't seem like a big deal. So right now...right at THIS MOMENT... I want to see through Jordan's eyes. I want to sit here in E's parents home and think "this isn't happening!!!!!" for just a second. I just want to remember what it feels like.

...

Feels good to remember that feeling.

It's funny how you get caught up in the now or even just the little bits of darkness more than you sit and remember those good times and feelings.

It's funny how I came up with all that just from Jordan's question.

www.myspace.com/urbanrescue

Travis just woke up. We've got 2 and a half hours. Forgot about the time change. We'll be getting there at 11:30 ish. Goody. Glad TJ is here. He can make me laugh all the way. We need to make a TJ quote book. I'm still filming the documentary... off i go.

Missy/Following

2008-12-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

This blog is a day late. I really wanted to write about Missy Higgins. Now I want to talk about a lot more so I'm ust gonna keep writing and see where that ends up.

Now, Missy Higgins' concert last last night was probably one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I'll tell you why. There's not many girl singer songwriters that can actually play both guitar and piano and still sound like the cd. NO, note even like the cd... BETTER THAN THE CD. Her Recordings don't do her justice. I told the girls last night that missy should really think about cutting a live album. The arrangements of some songs are just wonderful. They honestly made me cry. some of them. Or at least I wanted to. She played old songs as well as new ones. One I haven't ever heard before. I think what really made good was her ability to just talk to the audience. She just becomes so honest with everyone and makes everyone laugh. I think that's a unique quality. If you're up on stage and you don't say anything I always think it's a boring show. Unless you're like sigur ros or something. But when an artist is able to take time between a song and say something witty, I think it shows something about their character and gives us the illusion that we're having a conversation with them--getting to know them better even.

So I am on a Missy high at the moment. I listened to her on the train ride to Oceanside and I'm going to listen to her a lot more in the das to come.

Oh, and I grabbed her set list! Nice long list of songs...

So, what else do I have to talk about? Oh yes, I remember...

Future of Forestry. They are on their Christmas tour right now and I heard it live for the first time last night. These guys continue to surprise me. Eric continues to surprise me. The Christmas set up is different from the rest of the year. Dave and Travis come and join the band with their trombones and guitars and vocals. It's really nice. Tj is trying his hand at drums and he's really super good. That guy is so talented... it's insane. Ben is there and E is too. So it's a 5 man band during Christmas. What I love about the Christmas tour is that there's this feeling of 'As long as the music is playing, Forestry just wants you to draw near.' Near to what? Anything your heart desires. I sat there listening to them yesterday and just thought to myself how far E has come and how good they all sound and why the heck God has really kept them around in my life. Then I got this nostalgic feeling. The kind of feeling I remember feeling when I was at hume and a lot of concerts after that. That little tug at my heart that said 'You're gonna know them.." or "Go get to know them..."

Sometimes I think this weird following Forestry around has got to end at some point. But I don't think it ever will. I mean, everything has an end, but music never dies. And I didn't get teased in high school for being obsessed with them just to find out that I was never going to know them in my future. I think we have moments every day that you find a person, a place, or thing that you have a connection with. I think most of the time we drop the connection, hang up the phone, and leave it behind never to remember it again. But sometimes, you find the connection and you have no idea why. But you follow it and it gets you somewhere you never thought you could end up. That's my relationship with Eric and Tam and everyone else I've known over the years. I'm greatful and I still have faith that all of this following them around everywhere isn't for nothing.

So i've been elected to follow them around with cameras and that's what i'm doing. I want to do what I think I do best. Following them. I have no idea why... but I just follow.

Never thought myself to be a follower. I always wanted to lead. But I think the whole leader and follower thing is old. I just want to be in my own entity. Following Forestry but leading my own life. That is what i've learned.

(I just typed and typed until I found a clear conclusion. I didn't even realize that's what i've learned. Blogs are amazing. Sorry for the chatter.)

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2008-12-15T22:55:00.000-08:00

so good. Missy higgins is flippin amazing!

We're Getting Personal Here...

2008-12-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

A lot of people have been asking about my personal life lately. Personal as in... who am I dating. It happens to be a common theme around the holidays. I don't know. I guess people are curious.

To ease the curiosity, the answer is... NO. I'm not dating anyone right now. And if anyone asks that question again i'll direct them to this blog.

The reason why i'm not dating anyone is simple yet complex. Small yet complicated. Here we go...

1. No one wants the whole, complete Christina package. They might like part of me or maybe even just the thought of me but not ALL of me.

2. I don't think guys are all that interested in me. Well, that's what I think. If they are... they have a weird way of showing it.

3. I'm very bad at relationships. Never been good at them. Who is? I just seem to have it a little tougher than most. I suck at the whole forever right now thing. I don't really get it.

4. I'm not looking but I am looking. If I fall in love, I want it to be real. I don't want some wishy washy, dilly dally type of bullcrap. I want the REAL THING. I guess if I know that it's nothing much, I just brush it off. On the other hand, when I feel something weird I run away. Told you... I suck at relationships.

5. I think I see guys as more of my brothers rather than anything else. He may be waving a flag but i'm probably not seeing it.

6. I'm in love with John Mayer. At this point, anyone who doesn't live up to John Mayer just can't have me. I may not know him personally and may never meet him (I do have some common sense...) but, I love him. And so far, no one else compares.

So there are my dilemmas. Reasons why no one wants me, no one has me, and why I'm not in a relationship.

I see people who have been together for years and still aren't the right fit but are too afraid to be alone. I've seen too many divorces in my time. I've been through broken hearts from almost every guy i've been close to. I don't use these as excuses. I am stronger than that. I use them as a learning opportunity. I know what I want and what I don't. Of course, as Shakespeare said, "love is blind." I do become stupid when thrown amidst the misery and agony of love love love. But hey, what's the fun without the stupidity? I think it's the balance between falling and out of control. You can fall in love but you can't lose all control. You've gotta bare the bad and find the good.

For now i'll be the 3rd wheel. Even the 5th. Hell... i'll even be the 13th wheel. I'd endure all of those feelings of... "maybe I do want someone now" or "ALL BYYY MYYYSELF!!!" or " screw boys." I just want something real. Give me something REAL.

Is that too much to ask?

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2008-12-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

So... Then it doesnt exist?

The Process of Art Is A Process

2008-12-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

I would like to say that my art speaks for itself but since I am still an artist that is growing and learning everyday, I think I should explain myself a little bit.

The video project below was my final project for my dance and visual media class. It had to be based off a poem and had to be less than 3 minutes (I went over by 18 seconds).

My original idea while I was shooting was completely different than the outcome.

Original Idea:

A boy finds a red piece of paper on the floor and looks up. In the distance is a dancer and she drops another piece of red paper. He walks over and in the distance another dancer and she drops... so on and so forth. My friends and I have 3 different styles of dancing. Sarah is the smooth, graceful, flowy one. Gusta is the queen of hips. And I... I just do what I feel like in the moment. In this video i'm kind of a mix of spazzy and smooth. I thought our way of dancing can express 3 different types of relationships this "guy" had been through. Basically it was like "i'm trying to find my one true love" type of thing...

Well, as you can tell, we never got a boy.

So all I had was nice scenery, 4 pieces of a broken heart while there were only 3 dancers, and about 5 minutes of dancing footage for each dancer.

When I sat down to edit, I couldn't. So I took a week and just pondered. I wish you could see my brain when it thinks about ways to polish poop. And that's what I felt like I did. I polished crap and made it into something bittesweet almost.

I wanted a folky acoustic song so I automatically thought ELIZABETHTOWN! and took nancy wilson's music and placed it right onto the screen and it just started to flow. Music is so important for my editing process. People don't edit with it but I NEED MY MUSIC. Music makes my videos what they are.

Editing is like choreography. I have to ask myself, "What do you want to see first?" or "What do you want to see next?" My mood at the time effects the editing too. I think I was pretty calm when I sat down to edit. It all happened so fast. 2 hours.

I thought of it as a puzzle. I scattered all the pieces and then by the end, you kind of get the big picture.

Some people think it's about friendship, some people think we're fighting over the same guy, some people thought we were all seperate stories until the end. It was nice to get people's ideas. Some people loved it. Some people didn't. But I'm glad people related to it.

I just like to think it's about love. Love and hope. Love is lost, love is regained. Love is broken but your heart can be put back together.

So there's that... my process.

With that being said, take a new perspective and watch my video. If you have already, watch it again.

My Choreography Video Project

2008-12-04T21:28:00.001-08:00

Skinny Jeans Vs. Heavy Doors

2008-12-02T18:15:00.001-08:00

Muscle is 18% more dense than fat.

I realized how much muscle I really do have on my body. I've always compared my body to those skinny girls here in SD who can wear cute things, tight pants, and bikinis and look well... "good" I guess. But lately I've been finding that I am mostly muscle. I mean, I do have fat I'd like to get rid of but I can kick any of those girls' butts. Not that I want to.

I go to a yoga class and the girls can't keep up. They have to cut corners and cheat. But I get the full workout from a few sun salutations. Sure, I wear a size 8... but when you hear a girl say..."This door is heavy..." You start to think... dang... i'm pretty buff for a girl!

Bike rides, dance classes, yoga, and eating healthy.

I promise to keep this my lifestyle from this point on.

(But I will endulge in some chocolate every now and then...and i'll only allow myself one cup of coffee everyday... I say that very loosely...)

The Rage In Placid Lake...among other things...

2008-12-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

Oh finals. I am sinking into my stress everyday. Tests, exams, finals, oral assessments, and papers. It NEVER ENDS. But as I lay here for a second trying to calm my dancing head, I imagine myself in... well let's see...1...4...7......TEN DAYS! (as I start singing the missy higgins song appropriately titled 10 days...)

I will spend days upon days watching unbearably amazing movies. So many movies to choose from. I haven't seen Chocolat in a while or Eternal Sunshine. I would love to finally see Notes on a Scandal. I'm getting I'm Not There by way of netflix tomorrow but I won't probably get around to it until sometime next week. Bummer eh? My obsession with movies is like boys and computer games. SERIOUSLY. It's gotten that bad.

But the point of this blog is that I watched an amazing movie yesterday. It wasn't anything special. Actually, it was kinda plain. It was called The Rage in Placid Lake starring musician Ben Lee. He was actually REALLY REALLY good. Probably cause I thought he was gonna suck...musicians usually do. His then girlfriend claire danes makes an appearance. It's an aussie flick. I really liked it. I recommend it. I think what appealed to me the most were the characters and their personal journeys. The funny things is, they never went anywhere. They stayed in their home town but learned so much. Funny how that works out eh? It's kind of like when you look back on your old journals and you come across this really profound entry and you just say "I wrote that?!" That's what the movie felt like. Like an old profound journal entry from your past. I think it's ability to surprise me was appealing also. Guh. Just watch it. If you have a pc, it's free on netflix instawatch.

So besides that... the rest of my break will be getting to know my tallulah martin a little better. Playing her and admiring her sound. I'll be sleeping. Very important. Listening to as much John Mayer as I can. If you haven't heard his newest live cd Where The Light Is, you're missing out. I will be enjoying the quite house. Going on bike rides for fun because going ont hem when you have to is not fun. I'll be making funny videos, smelling flowers, cooking, baking, and dancing in my room. Oh, and catching up on all my favorite Disney shows... Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place. OH! and sending in a video to the Ben Lee music video contest!

LOVE LOVE.

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2008-11-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

my hair! And i still have hair on my head. Imagine that.

My Country Music Affair

2008-11-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC!

Ever since my freshman year in college, laying in my bed with mono and strep throat, wanting my momma, and thinking my life has come to its end... I flip the channels and find Keith Urban. I will never forget that day. 'Better Life' was blaring out my tv and I had no idea country music sounded so AMAZING. Or looked so amazing, I mean, look at the man-- he's really easy on the eyes! Plus, the lyrics were lifting my spirits.

"Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones and good lucks gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones so hold on, we're heading for a better life."

I don't think the channel changed from channel 72 CMT for months.

Now, I go in and out of my music phases. I love mostly singer/songwriter music among other genres. I usually have a musical conversation with John Mayer (the love of my life), Rachael Yamagata, Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Coldplay, Deathcab, some Chris Brown, and Sara Bareilles and Colbie Caillat. But similar to a lot of other things in life, you leave something alone for awhile and when you experience it again, it's like its the first time. Kind of like relationships or first kisses. I'm in that stage with country music--the first kiss stage.

See, i'm not one of those southern california country wannabes. In some ways I am. I will never be a country girl. I guess i'm a city girl through and through. But I don't and I never will wear cowboy boots and a cowboy hat with a mini skirt and tie my shirt up to show my belly button. Then show up to a concert only knowing the songs they play 24/7 on the radio. I know my country music. I know the oldies... kris, willie, johnny, merle, waylon, george and all 3 hanks. I mean... I am dedicated to studying the history of a genre I have fallen deeply in love with. I listen to both country stations here in the San Diego. 95.7 & 92.1 but I rather listen to my grandpa willie cd's. Yes, I wish Willie Nelson was my grandpa. He was so handsome when he was younger. There's something about a man who still smokes pot at his age that intrigues me.

Country music feels like home. It makes me feel like I should be in front of a fire place, sipping hot cocoa, with blankets and pillows all over the floor and a guitar sitting next to me. It just feels so good to belt out your favorite hits. Not hard to learn on the guitar. And when you go to piano bars you know that "I've Got Friends In Low Places" is gonna be played. I love singing along to that song... and I see faces of people who don't know it and I feel so bad for them. Kind of like how I don't know all the songs to Bohemian Rhapsody... I kind of just make up sounds that sound sort of accurate.

Kenny Chesney just came on my Country Station on pandora. Now he makes me feel like I should be at "Some Beach, Somewhere" haha....

Puzzle Pieces

2008-11-15T09:49:00.000-08:00

I just participated in a week long solo performance workshop. I had a chance to write and perform my own 3 minute monologue. The piece was inspired by the truth inside of me.

"When my mom left my dad she bought me a jigsaw puzzle. This was no ordinary puzzle for a 6 year old. No 50 piece Disney characters or barn yard animals. It was a 750 piece Wyland jigsaw puzzle entitled “Maui Dawn.” I didn’t understand why, but I started to do it. I think my mom wanted me to think about something other than the fact that things had changed. But being 6, I just remember the dolphins, the fish, the colors, and the sunset sky. I remember how scattered the pieces were and how the number 750 seemed like forever. It took me 9 months to finish it but I finished it. I got better over time. And then puzzles started to become my stress relief. They started to become my escape. Anytime something happened to me or if something was bothering me, I’d take it out on the puzzle. When Wendy Williams pantsed me in the middle of the playground, I came home and did a puzzle. When we moved, I did a puzzle. When I started a new school, I did a puzzle. When I didn’t get a part in the community theater production of Annie, I did a puzzle. When the divorce finalized, I did a puzzle. 750 pieces became 1000 pieces, 2000 pieces, 3D, circles, wood, photo mosaics and then Wyland became Kinkade, cityscapes, famous paintings, scenery, people, on and on… and then suddenly I’m in college. I had boxes of puzzles I wanted to do but never got around to do them. Until one day when I thought life couldn’t get any worse—I opened a box. I scattered 750 pieces of Times Square bustling with nightlife all over the floor. A landscape of neon lights, billboards, Broadway Shows, and people hailing taxis. I spread the pieces out and started to put it together. I finished it in 2 hours and it was in that moment I realized that the day my mom left my dad she handed me the greatest gift I could’ve ever asked for.

I WAS THAT PUZZLE.

All the pieces were there. I just had to sit down and figure them out. No matter the situation, no matter how scattered life may be, no matter how shattered life may seem—it’s how you pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together… that’s what matters. "

Escapist

2008-11-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

I'm an escapist. I love that I am. I feel like there aren't many out there. But I don't like being one sometimes. There are realists who live day to day in their reality. I'm not sure how they do. They must think a lot with their heads. Not me! Nosiree. I'm a HEART kind of girl. The only thing bad about being a escapist is that the trip back to reality isn't smooth. It's more like a car crash.

I have an itch to leave and a yen for travel.

It's a beautifully tragic combination.

So right now, I'm kind of bandaged up, twiddling my fingers, tapping my toes, trying to be patient. I'm having a hard time sitting still. I want to beg God and ask him "WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TURN?!" but I keep my mouth shut. But inside, all I want is a one way ticket to somewhere i've never been.

If I don't feel something change soon, i'm not sure how i'm going to survive.

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2008-11-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

Watching leatherheads. Bass recording in the background. Sun coming out of rain clouds. I like this.

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2008-11-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

This is amazing... Wow. The sound.

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2008-11-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

last show ever with spence... I might cry.

2008-10-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

"Art is better when you don't have to fear other people's opinions."

-ME!

Think about it...
My dance Professor thought it was WISE!
I love being wise at my young age =)

hahaha....

Shades of Gray...

2008-10-20T11:57:00.001-07:00

Alright, there is something just pulling at my heart and I'm not sure how this blog is going to turn out. All I know is that whatever I type here on out is what i'm feeling.

Last night (the picture below) was a chill night. I was hanging out with the band (www.myspace.com/futureofforestry) at a gig for a church in North Park. The church's motto was "Christianity for All." Now, North Park and Hillcrest are areas here in San Diego that are openly open to homosexuality. The pastor of the church was gay. There were men raising their hands while holding each others hands. There was a man dressed as a woman. But they were all there worshipping God and saying "AMEN!" and "Preach it!" Completely enthusiastic about believing in God without anyone making them feel unwanted. The Pastor's message was how God loves you no matter what. God is love and Christianity is about everyone together not just one person.

Do you see where this is going?

There's a weird line between religion and homosexuality.

I hate sides. I don't consider myself an extremely religious person. I consider myself a believer of truth. I feel like that the church we were at last night was a support for those who have felt unwanted, who have felt eyes staring down at them and have gotten the cold shoulder countless times. All they want is to know love--to feel love. If being homosexual has brought them to that church and closer to God then I'm not sure why people have to be so judgemental.

I understand that the argument against my apporach is that in the bible it says that it's wrong. That living a lifestyle like the men and women that we met yesterday is not right in the eyes of God. I get it. But who gives people the right to say that they are wrong and point fingers? I mean... what did you do wrong today? Have you sinned today? Cause I know I have. What makes you so righteous to make people feel like crap and tell them that they are sinners? Is that really the way God would want us to react to homosexuality? Or to any sin in general? Is what you're saying out of love?

Maybe I'm just completely and insanely empathetic. Maybe I was a gay man in another life. I don't know. I don't know a lot about everything. But I know that God isn't standing in all of his glory and saying to all the homosexuals that they are sinners and they are going to hell. I think he's standing there saying "hey, you're mine. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul." If I didn't think God was capable of love than I wouldn't believe in Him. The only reason I write from the standpoint of a believer is because I know that God loves me. No matter who I am, what I do, what I say, or who I support, He made me and I have felt his love.

So when people say "DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON? HOW THOSE TWO MEN WERE HOLDING HANDS IN CHURCH?" yes, i'm gonna get a little peeved. I honestly didn't think i'd get so worked up about it but I feel extremely emotional about this topic.

The thing is... the homosexual lifestyle is becoming part of our culture now. So as much as people want to say it's sin and it's wrong... it's there. It's there and you're gonna have to accept it or look like a hypocrite. Too bad this world couldn't live harmoniously.

Am I allowed to hate hate? If I hate hate, then hate still exists. It's a vicious circle.

Palin wants to convert all homosexuals into God loving individuals. What if they already love God?

My best friend is openly gay. Does that mean God loves her less?

I just can't get my mind around the whole situation. I feel like it shouldn't be so complicated. Is it really just black and white? Or can we just create nice shades of grey?

I'd cry if I weren't at work.

And writing this blog isn't my way of saying how much I dislike a person or a person's opinions. I love all the musicians in Forestry. If anything, I wish issues such as this wouldn't tear them apart. I wish they could set things like this aside and believe in their music. And know tha their music brings people together for God. No matter who those people are... they are coming together though music for God. Isn't that enough? It's enough. I know it's enough.

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2008-10-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

Sound check jam going on.