The earth moved. I didn't.

In October 1987 there was an earthquake. My mom was pregnant with me and I was scheduled to pop out on the 5th. Till this day I am convinced it was the earthquake that made me 20 days late. I was born on the 25th instead of the 5th.

I don't like earthquakes. I have weird queezy feelings. I don't like natural disasters at all. They scare the buh-JESUS out of me.

ugh...

Multimedia message

meet bubba my work partner and my dad's twin.

Lay it on me. I'll dry off later.

I've been flooded with a lot of thoughts and feelings lately and I guess they're just coming out sporadically. Thankfully, they are coming as fully formed ideas and phrases. My last blog was about the way I handle change and the occasional change in relationships. Today, right now actually, I was thinking about people trying to hide things in a way of protection.

I feel like this has been a sudden theme occurring within my group of friends and I realize this is probably slightly dangerous to post this up as a blog but if anyone knows me well enough, they know that I am brutally honest sometimes. Yes, it gets me in trouble a lot but I'd rather be honest than never speak a word of truth. And that's exactly what I wanted to talk about.

You can hide things from people. There are times where protecting people from the truth seems like a good idea. But is it? Really? "You don't want to see them get hurt" may sound like a justifying phrase in that moment of time but let's take a look into the future. The secret gets out, the truth always finds a way into our lives and then they find out that you've kept it from them this whole time. Now you've got triple the pain and a loss of trust.

Yes, the truth hurts. It really does. We've all been there. But personally, I would rather face the truth than not know it at all. If I needed protection from the dark, ugly, and dangerous world, I would higher a bodyguard or Rambo or maybe even Schwarzenegger himself. However, I don't think it's that serious. Honesty can get us into trouble sometimes, but I'd rather have a clear conscience than have a mind hidden in the shadows.

I like being drenched in a storm... You know what I mean? You don't have to shelter me. Just let me face the truth and I'll dry off later.

Donnie Darko Life Lessons

It wasn't love. It never was. There is some kind of connection you make when you enter a relationship; any kind of relationship, really. Whether you are best friends, friends with benefits, dating, or simply platonic-- there's always a connection. I had a connection. There was no definition of what we were or what we were doing. I was actually kind of confused about what I was doing but in the moment, I just knew what I wanted and what I wanted trumped what was right. And what happened then was simply, sinfully amazing. The consequences of which I emotionally, being a girl and all, handled with unease.

So, time passed. Things changed. I changed. I hadn't seen his face in a long time and I was okay. I was doing fine actually. Living vicariously through chick flicks, other people's lives, and my lovely dreams had been working out for me. Of course loneliness peeks it's face out once in a while but... I was okay. Honest.

He comes around and I'm thrown. I'm over him. I'm done with that. Time changes people. I went from completely enthralled by his mere presence to completely not interested in just a matter of time. But time doesn't erase feelings and memories and scars. Time moves you forward and when you look back you get those knots in your stomach and you start remembering. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't let him leave a mark on the new me. I'm newly healed. I'm ready for another adventure. No repeats. The fact that he was there, hanging out in my newly remodeled life just made me so uncomfortable--so scared. And sitting there with him only made me flash back to the Donnie Darko scenes about the time line between fear and love.Yes, I was scared to look at him, to talk to him, to be near him. No, I never loved him. But I agree with Donnie when he says that life is more complex than just fear and love. Life is more real and truthful.

So here I am totally confused by all this. I don't really get it and I don't know if I ever will. Maybe i'm even scared to wrap my mind around where he and I stand. Fear is a bitch. All I know is that I honestly don't want to spend so much time trying to figure this out. Time is of the essence and I can't spend the rest of my life living in the past or living vicariously through others.

Here's to old love, other disasters, and new ones to come. I just hope adventure is on its way soon. I'm ready to experience something new.

Multimedia message

at thai food with friends!

Multimedia message

at the airport! Saying bye to karen.

Multimedia message

this is what i do while working. Make a movie list of what i want to see and what i want to get for my collection!

Thank You, John, Thank You.

A Whole Lotta Summer

This summer has been an adventure. I would have liked it no other way. But I realized how much of my summer I have left and it makes me excited and nervous. July is going to be simple. I'll still be working and I just have to pack up all my sh*t and move on august 1st. This move means a few new changes. New roommates, biking instead of walking to school, and well... anything else that comes with moving. I really want to change my room up a little. Get everything into boxes, storage the stuff I don't use, get a desk, you know... that kind of stuff. I don't think people understand how much stuff I actually have because they have homes they go home to and can keep most of their things there. I on the other hand, don't have that luxury and I literally have to pack up my life and move. It's also the reason I need to have my own room. Whoever would be willing to share a room with me is absolutely insane.

August is going to be interesting. I've agreed to work till beginning or mid august. SO!... I move in August first and I get the weekend to situate. I work 3 days again the next week, then on August 8th, I go up to LA and film a wedding, probably stay the weekend, party it up a little with my homies and go to church on sunday. Then on wednesday the 13th I go to AZ with my mom for our week long summer vacay!! I love roadtrips and i'm praying we can spend a day in Sedona, my favorite place on earth. When we come back on the 20th, i'll have 5 days to get ready for school. I plan on those 5 days being nothing but home time. Hopefully I can stop working by the 7th. I can't imagine working anymore after that. It seems almost impossible.

But I'm glad my summer was an active summer. It was a rocky start but now i'm excited that i've been taking the bus and walking places and taking action in my life. I love that i'm moving with friends and i'm going to get a bike finally so I can finally wear my 'I <3 my bike' bag and not have people tease me for not actually having a bike. BWAHAHA.

I'm just really happy right now. And for the remaining weeks in July, I plan on just taking it easy because I don't think that'll happen until the 2nd week of August.

Multimedia message

Multimedia message

Bored at work... Alone in the office.

Tell Me What To Say- John Mayer

I know its early
and you harldy even know me but,
i want your love so bad, so bad
im bound to fuck it up
could you tell me what to say?

you must have heard that line about your eyes a million times
and now your holding out to hear about your chin
i bet that that could get me in, let me in
could you tell me what to say?
tell me what to say...

when you were young and playing princess in your mother's dress
into the mirror dreaming what your prince would say
i know you still remember to this day
could you tell me what to say?

and sure its not fair
i might lose all self respect
those who say i should be myself
they have obviously never met you yet

i can tell by the way your eyes roll
the way you stab the ice in your glass
that its over
i can see you signaling to a friend
whispering make this end

you should have told me what to say
tell me what to say
tell me what to say

[He claims that this song is still in the primitive stage but I love the imagery. Stabbing ice cubes. That's my favorite part.]

I went to the bathroom and I realized I had more to say on the subject of songwriting.

I'm a person who loves to learn about what she loves. Music is one. Songwriting another. John Mayer hits me in the heart with his songwriting and as time goes by I see his songwriting taking some turns. There's songs like the one above where he basically tells a story. Most of his songs are just that; stories of wordy length and detailed circumstances. I like those because I can imagine everything he's saying in my head. However, some of his newer songs are getting simpler and simpler. Take Gravity for example:

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
(repeat)

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me how can thet be?

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where, keep me where the light is

He takes gravity and makes it into a universal concept that can pertain to many different circumstances. It's very different compared to his story telling songs. And if you haven't heard this song, you're missing out. The first little riff you hear melts you instantly. Ugh...

I really want to write songs and love them as much as I love other people's songs but... I haven't found my niche yet. I guess it'll come in time. For now, I'll just listen up and learn. There's only a few songwriters that I really love John Mayer being one of them, Rachael Yamagata, Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes, and others...

Words are amazing when used in way you've never seen them used.

Multimedia message

My day at work includes all of the above.

Divorces Online... GAG ME

So I'm at work and I'm looking up legal support services online for the company i'm working for and I found a business where you can get divorced online...

"People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide." - Will Rogers

"It used to be hard to get a do it yourself divorce, but not anymore. Now, you can File For Divorce with The Divorce Do It Yourself Service. Our service is recommended by many local county courts and if you are filing for an uncontested divorce, we can help you prepare your documents. We offer Do It Yourself Divorce Services to everyday people and provide you with state specific forms that are specialized to meet the requirements of your state. Each state is unique, so don't be fooled by those nationwide kits and programs. When compared to the price of a lawyer, the cost of our Do It Yourself Divorce Services and Divorce forms are unbeatable."

http://www.document-do-it-yourself-service.com/ (see for yourself)

First off, whoever Will Rogers is-- he is crazy insane. Maybe people's consciences are wrong at times, but he is just insinuating that we should lose all faith in ourselves. That quote made me puke in my mouth a little bit. I've never been through any kind of legal matter except for my parent's divorce and even then, I was too young to understand. Nevertheless, I'd hope that my self confidence when going through a tough, legally binding situation would be strong enough to not have to rely on lawyers in order to make me think i'll have a clear conscience. I know that it's hard. I've seen divorce happen to so many people around me to know what kind of hardships coincide with separation. However, I think relying on lawyers wholly and not even a bit on your own heart and mind is a crime in itself. You're screaming 'MERCY!' before you even grabbed your opponent's hand.

Now, I don't know about you but all of this online and cell phones and crap is really making me lose faith in the fact that two people can love each other forever. I mean... how do we make things work when most of the communication between couples or people in general is done by myspace and text messages? What happened to sitting or standing in front of people and speaking to them face to face? Am I completely prehistoric to say that all of this technology is making us become impersonal persons? We have it so easy now that we're losing our worth, the deepest thing that make us human. We're losing the human connection. To get a phone call from that special someone is now the equivalent of holding hands. When did that happen? I don't like it.

All this to say, I don't want to divorce... and if I did, I wouldn't be a coward and do it online. Too impersonal.

From now on i'm going to try to spend more time with people face to face rather than on the phone.

Screw you Will Rogers. Maybe you should have listened to your heart a little more. I'm pretty sure it'll tell you to shut up.

The Ugly Life Box

This morning I woke up from a dream. In this dream, I died. Some girl shot me. When I woke up, I had this insane urge to clean my room. Well, at least a little bit of throwing away of trash and finding a place for things that never had a home.

I took down a box I had stored in my closet. When I opened it I realized I forgot how important this one box was. From the outside I thought it was going to be trash—it’s a cardboard box that was used for moving purposes. I opened it and found treasures. It’s that moment that I started thinking…

If I died, this box would tell my story. I look around my room and everything has my fingerprints on it. If someone didn’t know me and walked into my room, they would figure it out quickly. My movies consist of mostly happy endings with the exception of funny girl and sweet charity both of which I’ve only watched once. I have a guitar out of its case and a chord cart on my wall. If anything, you could probably figure me out by what music I have in my itunes collection. I have a ballet dancer poster even though I am not much of a ballet dancer any more. There are so many clues in this room that would give you depth behind my outer appearance.

However, this one box carries memories that go far beyond the inner and into the core of me. And it caught me off guard and got me thinking… You know, I haven’t done much in this life. At least not much in my book. It’s all because the expectations I have for myself in the future. I haven’t experienced any of it. If I died today, right now, I would only have what I’ve been through to define who I was. All I’ve done is go through my life one chapter to the next and trying to get to that next level. I have never sulked or soaked in parts of my journey. I’ve always wanted to fall, get up, and get going. I’m not sure if that’s healthy but like I said, I had and still have high expectations for my life and I would do anything to just keep the ball rolling.

It’s kind of hard to write this blog in all of its honesty.

There’s this one part of me that I love. I love that I do things with meaning. I love to find the meaning in everything and I hate to do things without a meaning behind them. My life is full of meaning. Finding and opening that ugly box this morning really showed me, me. I thought about decorating the box, maybe making a collage or wrapping it with pretty wallpaper but I discarded those ideas. I love the ugly life box. It’s so me. An unfinished story, the ugly duckling, the crazy dreamer. But what’s inside? You’ll never know till I die. Let’s not hope that that happens soon.